Posts Tagged ‘(undeserved) self-pity’

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>Greetings from Pittsburgh!

July 26th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

>BlogHer was a trip and a half. I laughed and laughed with my
roommates, Suebob and Maren. I romped with Count Mockula, her mom,
and her genius toddler daughter. I wore a paper bag hat, sat in the
bathtub of the Presidential Suite in the Sheraton, and ate a
cheeseburger at the CheeseburgHer party. I socialized with
Sassymonkey, Denise, LaurieWrites, Heather Clisby, Megan Smith, Major
Bedhead, Amber Rhea, Pam Mandel, Sarah and the Goon Squad, Average
Jane, Liz Henry, and other exceptional women. Updated to add the Graces: Mitchell and Davis, who made my lunch on Sat. one of the highlights of the conference.) I wanted to meet
Nordette Adams, and failed. I collected swag. I ate Mars Bars,
courtesy of Sassymonkey. I dined at Gino’s East of Chicago with Liz
Rizzo, Virginia DeBolt, Laurie Kingston, my parents, the
aforementioned roommates, and Count Mockula clan. And on and on.
(Oh, yeah. I attended some panels and also did a book signing.)

So I am tired. I want to get to my furnitureless, dust-infested
apartment (except for the bedroom, which has almost all of the
remaining furniture and boxes, but not so much dust at my last time of
residency). I want to prepare my bag and outfit for an interview I
have tomorrow morning. Then I’d like to sleep in my bed, which has
dirty sheets because we haven’t changed them since construction began,
but this kind of dirty sheet smells like Husband, who is in Vegas
nowe, and makes me happy. And I want to prepare for my interview
tomorrow. (Noted twice, not out of senility, but to emphasize
importance.)

Instead, I am sitting in an airplane in Pittsburgh. The flight was
scheduled to arrive in NYC twenty minutes ago. Planes are not allowed
to land at LaGuardia right now due to a storm, so we flew in circles,
slowly progressing east, until we ran out of gas. (Like me, but no
refueling in sight!)

It could be worse. I could still be at O’Hare. And at least I have
six Mars Bars in my bag. And a Vosges chocolate bacon bar (thanks,
Suebob!). Plus, BlogHer will be in NYC next year. Yay!

–
Sent from my mobile device

Blog: www.cussandotherrants.com
Book: www.offthebeatensubwaytrack.com

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>Double Tongued

July 19th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Damn, fuck, hilarity

>For dinner last night, Granny took Bubbe, Mom, Dad, and me to dinner at a Jewish deli called The Bagel. I sat sandwiched between the grandmothers, and found myself surrounded by tongue. Granny ordered the boiled tongue, while Bubbe opted for pickled tongue.

Before I departed for Chicago, I was supposed to buy a train ticket to visit my sister and nephew in Iowa. Shit hit the fan and splattered far and wide last week, though, so I didn’t have a chance to do so until Friday night/Saturday morning at 12:30 AM. “Train sold out,” flashed at my across the monitor when I put in my online request. Fuck – that left me with Greyhound.

My six hour Greyhound odyssey will begin at 11:45 am on Tuesday. I think I will try and dehydrate myself in advance so I won’t need to use the on board facilities. I will also not have another mint milkshake (as I did with my friend and her four year old daughter when I arrived yesterday), as that left me with an angry digestive system.

The only plus side is that I’m curious what the Greyhound bus station in Chicago is like these days. My only reference point is from Adventures in Babysitting, when teenage Brenda (Penelope Ann Miller) runs away from her lux suburban home and then changes her mind and calls her friend Kris (Chris? either way, Elisabeth Shue) to pick her up before her parents find out what she planned. Hijinx ensue, including a homeless woman stealing Brenda’s glasses, leading Brenda to wander around with blurry vision and pick up a furry little beast that she thinks is a kitten but is actually a jumbo sewer rat. Oh, the hilarity!

At any rate, the Greyhound station featured in the film was torn down and a new one built on the Near West Side. I also have not been to the Near West Side in eons, and am curious what that formerly extremely crime-infested neighborhood is like these days. Yeah. I’ll hope that my contact lenses don’t pop out of my eyes, and if they do, I will avoid touching anything that looks furry. (Given how bad my vision is, that would be pretty much anything.)

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>Snake on (the Way To) a Plane

July 18th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

>A series of black clouds with lightening bolts hovered over me as I
left my apatment this morning. I walked to the corner to get a cab to
the airport, staring at sidewalk. The sidewalk slithered. This
confused me for a nanosecond until I realized that I was gazing upon a
panicked snake.

The snake slithered back and forth in a series of s-curves. Its pace
was breakneck as it moved toward the street. "Uh, don't go there!" I
silently urged.

No matter how unfortunate things are right now, I don't have it as bad
as that poor, terrified snake. Good luck, little guy!

–
Sent from my mobile device

Blog: www.cussandotherrants.com
Book: www.offthebeatensubwaytrack.com

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>This Made Me Laugh My Ass Off

July 11th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, random

>My days of cheerful optimism are behind me now, as none of the six interviews I have had turned into a job. (To be fair, I didn’t yet get a rejection from two opportunities, and in theory I have another interview coming up, although they have yet to confirm a date, which is really the cause of my despair cloud.) Husband is stressed about work this week, which makes me feel worse. Plus, I have writer’s block, so I’m not using my free time as productively as possible.

At least I can read this email and laugh my ass off:

On this, a day in one of the worst summers in decades, and in the worst economy in decades, let’s take a moment to remember how much we fucking hate George Bush. Don’t forget. Don’t let it go. It’s soothing. While you are counting pennies, he is counting skeet at his “ranch.”

Did you know that the first day he walked in to his family ranch was the day after he was inaugurated? I haven’t forgot. Did you know his ranch is state-of-the-art and 10,000 square feet? Do not forget why we are all jobless and fucked. Did you know that Crawford didn’t exist before his Neo-con men created it?

So while it is depressing, know that now is the perfect time to spend what little money you have left on cheap, subversive comedy! We have a bar, so you can drink your problems away while laughing at nonsense. You can’t afford drugs, so fuck it. See you at The Annoyance.

-Mick Napier, Artistic Director

The Annoyance is the producer of my all-time favorite musical, Co-Ed Prison Sluts. Singing along to “Shit Motherfucker” is always fun. (Chorus yrics: Shit/motherfucker/fuck you, you cunt or a prick/blow job/suck my dick.) It’s nice to have something to chuckle over when your career is in the toilet (and not the nice new one with the smiley face on the underside of the lid).

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>The Stressed Out Tante

May 13th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

>Between the unexpected early arrival of my adorable nephew, school wrapping up for the year, and my job implosion, things have been rather hectic lately. While I am very happy that my nephew is here and healthy, the other things thrill me significantly less. I realized that the only thing worse than a job that goes awry is not having a job at all. I sort of figured this out last semester, but it is really hitting home now. I can’t say that I like working in general, but I definitely enjoy being employed and feeling like a productive member of society. I forget how closely my sense of self-worth is tied to my work. Bah.

On a more positive note, I just love this picture of me and Marcus:


On Friday, I am flying into Chicago, seeing my friend, her partner, and their kids (an almost four year old and two month old twins), then my parents are picking me for for a roadtrip to Iowa with Bubbe. Fortunately, Dana’s friend from high school will also be with us, so I think Bubbe will tone it down a bit.

The reason for the return trip to Iowa? Dana’s baby shower is on Saturday, and Marcus will be the guest of honor. I can’t wait!

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>It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To

May 9th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, Damn, evil, fuck, mortification, What is wrong with people?

>I remember very clearly in 1984 worrying about Reagan being re-elected. Although the Gipper managed to fool a large number of working-class families into thinking he was helping them when in reality he was a reverse Robin Hood, my seven year old self knew that bad shit was going down. I was a Democrat through and through.

I survived the past eight years. I was excited to see things change in federal policy. And I am more disappointed than ever. First, the Democrats proved that they like being treated like shit. Lieberman can campaign for fucking McCain, and when his candidate loses, all he has to do is say that he was just kidding and everyone is like, that’s cool. Now Arlen Specter changes parties to continue to work against progressive policies, and the Democrats are like, you said you want that conservative psychopath Norm Coleman to win and you joined other shithead Democrats and all the Republicans in voting down fair change in bankruptcy laws so that people with one house get treated the same as people with vacation homes and yachts? That’s cool. Welcome to the party.

I am tired of this bullshit. If the Democrats are going to continue to suck the shit out of Republicans assholes and leave me with brown stains on my teeth, I am done. Forget it – that’s not cool. I don’t think I’ve ever been so disheartened by the possibilities or lack thereof.

To the caves!!!

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>Poked by the Doody Finger of Fretfulness

May 3rd, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity

>My adorable little alien nephew* finally proved that he is a member of our family when he took his third extremely nasty shit. (Fortunately, I missed Nasty Shit #2, and as I reported yesterday, was peed on during Nasty Shit #1.) As I helped clean up the squirmy, screaming kid, doody got on one of my fingers. I knew that I loved the goober because I didn’t mind at all that he managed to smear poo on me; I found it oddly endearing.

Other than Marcus’s arrival in the world, things have been extra special stressful lately. I feel like the Doody Finger of Fretfulness poked me in the eye. Seriously, my right eye is punishing me for something. It is super allergy angry, and my contact gets blurry and dry at the same time. My glasses are very nice, but the last time I had the prescription updated was 1999 since I just wear them around the house at night, so I don’t see so well out of them, either.

Our bathroom is still not fucking fixed. The person from the management company neglected to respond to my last email about what the status is. Things are going on in my professional life that keep me awake at night with anxiety. (Worse, the anxiety leads me to pick my cuticles, which then got baby doody on them…) School, which I love right now, is ending in three weeks.

I guess things could always be worse – the Doody Finger of Fretfulness could have poked me in both eyes…

*I swear, photos to come. I need to be sleeping now but am waiting for some stupid USB port to format, so I thought I’d blog a bit, but can’t find the camera.

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>Three Cheers for Maurice

April 10th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Damn, writing

>Frankly, I’m in deep shit. I think that working full-time, attending a full-time master’s program in creative writing, drafting two posts a week for BlogHer, serving on the Board of a nonprofit child care center that has real estate issues, attempting healthy-ish lifestyle through exercise, and continuing to have relationships with friends and family (which I am failing at miserably in some cases) is maybe more than I can handle. For the last two weeks, I’ve been exhausted constantly.

It’s not just me who needs a break. Maurice, the hamster who runs on the wheel that powers my brain, is on strike. At first I was mad at his furry ass for not keeping up, thus resulting in me making big mistakes like handing in the same story twice (written in two different ways, since I didn’t remember writing it in the first place) or smaller errors like when I called Oedipus Odysseus in yesterday’s blog post. Now I realize that the little dude is just overworked.

Maurice and I used to take breaks to read friends’ blogs or watch mindless TV. These days, I need to think for more hours, whether to learn about the nuances of Obama’s foreclosure prevention plan or to answer questions about a book I read for class, and poor little Maurice runs nonstop from when I wake up until I go to sleep. That’s a lot for any brain hamster, let alone a 33 year old one. So I want to thank him publicly for hanging in there. (Thanks Maurice!)

I need to take a hard look at everything that’s on my plate. I know what I want to cut, but Husband is not on board with that plan. If only I could write a book and sell it for six-figures, like, say fucking Meghan McCain,* that would solve everything. Uh, right….

*Love Jossip’s suggested title about Ann Coulter, as does Maurice.

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>True Age

March 31st, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, mortification

>According to one of those online “true age” quizzes, I am 28. (Or maybe it said 29 – I can’t remember, which is a sign of how accurate the quiz is, isn’t it?) My “true age” was determined through a series of questions about my height, weight, some moderate exercises, lifestyle (smoking, drinking, drugging), and a few actual health-related questions about asthma and family history with diabetes and hypertension. Since I am the most boring person on the planet, the lifestyle questions clearly brought my age down.

Perhaps a more reliable true age quiz would ask whether anxiety caused me to peel the flesh off my cuticles, if I had mysterious ailments, and at what age I was told to wear reading glasses with my contacts. Because that last question’s answer? Would be 33 year old. Yep. The eye doctor told me yesterday that my eyeballs were straining to focus and I should wear reading glasses in the afternoons.

My plan is to get the crotchitiest, most elderly looking pair I can find at the pharmacy, then partner them with some hideous chain. Then it will be obvious that my true age is 77. Gah. At least March 2009 will finally end in about 28 minutes.

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>The March of Time

March 30th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in random

>How is it that there are still two more days left in this blasted month of March? This has been the longest month ever. Days seem to go by, and then a week is over, and then another week, and yet it is still fucking March!!!

Assuming that April will be a fresh start, I am so looking forward to Wednesday. Husband is returning from his business trip to Europe, and even more exciting, my mom is coming to visit! I took two days off work, and she will be here until Sunday. I have not seen my mom since mid-December, so I gleefully anticipate her arrival. I’m sure that, just as long as I waited for her to arrive, her trip will somehow be over in no time. At least after that, I have something else to look forward to. In mid-April, I am heading to DC for a conference, and hanging out with some friends over the weekend. It will be nice to see my ladies.

Time is a vicious tease. (Ooh, a metaphor!)

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