Look, I suck at grammar. But I know two things:

1. Do not use single quotation marks for anything except for quotes within quotes. Like: “Suzanne is such a bitch,” Suzanne’s classmate complained. “She said, ‘Why the fuck are you in an MFA program and using single quotes for everything?’” Not: ‘Suzanne is such a bitch,’ Suzanne’s classmate complained. Or: I put this in quotes to highlight that it is “ironic.” Not: I put this in quotes to highlight that it is ‘ironic.’

People at school used these single quotes all the time and it drove me up the wall. Then I doubted myself. Maybe I was the idiot? I looked it up in Strunk & White’s book on grammar, and I was correct. Smugness.

2. If you have a list of things, commas go between all the items. This has been the subject of many books. I know that fancy modern writing is OK with sentences like, “I brought my six pack of beer, my handgun, my rifle and my sawed off shotgun to the grammar conference.” But that sentence hurts my brain. I learned that it is proper to write, “I brought my six pack of beer, my handgun, my rifle, and my sawed off shotgun to the grammar conference.”

Sure, my blog is riddled with typos and I am bad at figuring out when I need a comma to link to sentences. (Is it, “Sure, my blog is riddled with typos and I am bad at figuring out when I need a comma to link to sentences” or “Sure, my blog is riddled with typos, and I am bad at figuring out when I need a comma to link to sentences?” And does that last sentence end with a period or question mark?) Actually, that example brought up another pet peeve, which is punctuation done outside of quote marks. I learned that commas, periods, question marks, etc. belong in the quote mark, not outside of it. (Like, “You stupid fuck,” she yelled; not “You stupid fuck”, she yelled.)

Grammar is hard. It gives me a tooth ache. OK, sinus pressure also gives me a tooth ache. And so do sentences starting with and, or, but…

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>Granny's hospital cubicle was dark when the nurse arrived slightly
after 7 am to prep her for her angiogram/angioplasty. "I want to turn
the light on so I can see you," she told Granny.

"You'll be sorry," Granny replied. I realized then how much of my
repertoire I take from her.

As Granny rose from the bed to go the the bathroom, the back of her
hospital gown flapped open.

"Take a good look so you'll know what your butt will look like when
you're 87," Mom said to me.

"Hmmm… It's not that different from now," I noted.

"What's going on here?" Granny mumbled. "No peeking!"

A real house of yuks, her room is.

While Granny used the facilities, the nurse's assistant waited outside
the bathroom door. My mom hovered near by. I slumped in my coat in a
chair by the empty bed.

The nurse turned to me and smiled. "So are you in high school?"

I sat straight up and giggled. "Me? Really?" She nodded. "I'm 34 -
thank you!" I guess I look pretty good compared to the other senior
citizens she sees every day. A room full of yuks, I tell you.

–
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Blog: www.cussandotherrants.com
Book: www.offthebeatensubwaytrack.com

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>My mom, sister, and I sat with my grandmother in her hospital cubicle,
chatting (and sweating, since Granny convinced the nurse to turn the
thermostat to 80, which may kill the woman sharing the tiny room). I
told them about the 8mm films from the "olden days." One was a
birthday party of Dana's.

"Hey, so you remember how old you were when you got that stuffed
animal dog wearing a purple striped leotard and leg warmers?" I asked
my sister.

"You mean Fifi?" Dana replied. "Hmmmm… I don't know how old I was
when I got Fifi."

"What?" Grandma cut in. "Why are you talking about feces?"

–
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Blog: www.cussandotherrants.com
Book: www.offthebeatensubwaytrack.com

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>Because I worried about my grandma when I saw her at the end of
November, Husband and I headed to Chicago for the weekend. Things are
not so good.

Upon landing I learned that Granny went to the ER earlier that
morning. She had woken up in a cold sweat with aches at 4 am. My mom
went to her house and called an ambulence. The EMTs thought it was
the flu.

At the ER, they decided to admit her for observation, although they
ruled out the flu. Blood work indicated that she may have had a small
heart attack. She's going to get an angiogram on Monday, but
hopefully we'll know more tomorrow.

Since our original plan to belatedly celebrate my mom's birthday at
Red Lobster was scrapped, we had a little cake from the grocery store
at home instead. This could have sent my 8 month old nephew to the
hospital, as my bubbe tried to give him a piece of cake. Seriously.

When my sister all but slapped it out of her hand, Bubbe pouted and
told her it was OK because she was just giving him crumbs, as if
infants should eat cake and sugary frosting and my sister was
depriving him. Then she winked at me.

On a more uplifting note, we did have a hearty laugh when my
brother-in-law mentioned that Marcus is already 8 months old, but
lacking a job. "He needs to do some hard labor to earn his keep,"
Ryan said.

"He does hard labor," my mom said. "He works really hard when he
makes a doody!" Marcus, who sat in my dad's lap during the discussion,
banged happily on the table in approval.

–
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Blog: www.cussandotherrants.com
Book: www.offthebeatensubwaytrack.com

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>A lot of people I adore are librarians. Not coincidentally, the
library was one of my favorite places when I was a wee lass. At
various ages, I loved the summer reading club, the blocks, the story
hour, and the librarians who ran it all. Once I was at the library
when a tornado hit, and I was so excited to see all the books they had
in the off-limits basement area in which patrons and staff took
refuge.

Anyway, when I first moved to NYC, the library system overwhelmed me.
Only in the past two years or so did I really turn to the library for
books instead of sitting in Barnes & Noble for hours or buying used
books. Now that I "get" it, I realize what an amazing system it is.
Cardholders can order a book from a distant branch and have it
delivered to one near them. Books can be renewed online, too.

Today I even discovered that one of the Manhattan branches is open
three days a week from 8 am to 11 pm. In economically hard times,
libraries are often lifelines for people. It swells me with pride to
know that my city library system is finding a way to deliver services
rather than cut them.

All libraries – and the people who staff them – are awesome. Thanks
for all the hard work!

–
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Blog: www.cussandotherrants.com
Book: www.offthebeatensubwaytrack.com

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