>My nose is frequently cold.* Usually to warm it up, I press my face into Husband’s neck. This tends to amuse him, but he worries about me when he’s not around, so for Hanukkah he gave me a custom knit nose warmer in Mets team colors:
Very awesome! He’s so clever, that Husband of mine.
Hope everyone’s holidays were full of warmth!
*As are my fingers and toes. The extremities could use a little more blood circulation, I think.
Tags: fashion Suzanne-style, hilarity, thanks
>For Hanukkah last night, Husband gave me this cute sweater dress:
I am surprised and delighted that it fits, and I plan to bring it with me on my trip to California.
More exciting, however, is the mop that I purchased for myself:
It would be even better if my apartment looked as sparkling clean as the home pictured on HSN, but whatever. As I put the mop together, my cousin laughed and told me that it looked phallic as I clenched it between my legs while struggled to slide slot A into slot A. We also had a good chuckle over the “instructions” that came with it:
for fun, try attaching the cloths or mop pad using only your mind. It helps if you squint.
I am disturbingly overjoyed at the prospect of using it tomorrow. Finally, the bottle of floor cleaner that Sara gave me a month ago when I did laundry at her apartment will be put to use!
Happy holidays indeed!
Tags: ooh-la-la, props to my peeps, random, thanks
>As usual, I’ve been obsessing about my hair for the last few weeks. Since I went super short in March 2006, I’ve been mistaken for a dyke many times. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, of course, except that I’m not a dyke. After my last hair cut two weeks ago, I decided that enough was enough, and I should grow my hair back.
Then after class on Wednesday night, I went out with a group of people. My friend Vicky’s friend’s friend met up with us.
“I hope I won’t offend you,” he said to me, “and I’m sure you hear it all the time, but you look exactly like Jane Wiedlin.”
“Huh?” I said, clueless as usual. The name rang a very faint bell, but part of the problem was that I could not hear what he said over the background noise.
“You know, the guitarist from the Go-Gos.”
I sort of did know. I certainly knew enough to know that it was a major compliment. Vicky’s friend’s friend used his Blackberry machine thing to search the internet for a picture of Ms. Wiedlin. When he showed it to me, I nearly fell over:
Fuck yeah, that is a big compliment. I puffed my chest out and everything. Usually, if I’m compared to any famous person, it is Anne Frank. And while I think Anne Frank was an amazing person, it is just a wee bit depressing to be compared to her. But Jane Wiedlin! Shit! I’ll keep the hair cut, and this is almost enough to make me start wearing make-up.
>As we walked home from dinner on Friday night, I told Husband that Sunday is the 3rd anniversary of CUSS. “Did you think it would be a fad when I started blogging?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied. “I mean, how many blogs make it past a few months, or even weeks, before people move on?”
Yet, here we are. Blogging, as cliche as it may sound, changed my life. When I drafted my first blog post, I was a burned out do-gooder on the verge of snapping. Even though I only wrote a few paragraphs every day, I realized how much I enjoyed writing my little stories and rants. I “met” awesome people, some of whom even softened my hard core stance against unshaved snatch. A year later, I pursued a life that incorporated writing.
Although, some of what I wrote on Oct. 19, 2005 makes me cringe, I think in celebration of three years of blogging and personal growth, it is worth republishing. Happy Blogiversary, CUSS!
Why the world needs pubic hair
Far be it from humble unstylish little me to suggest that the New York Times Style Section is lagging on their trend reports, but in a Sept. 1 article titled “Skin Deep: The Revised Birthday Suit,” they breathlessly reported that significant numbers of women are opting for totally bald crotches, or if not totally bald, then certainly having large tracts of hair ripped out so they can look “sexy.” Please. Cosmo has been reporting for years that men prefer women with little or no pubic hair. Brazilian waxes went mainstream along time ago. Which, quite frankly, scares me. What on earth would make a woman spread her legs wide in front of a cosmetician, allow her to smear hot wax into her vagina, and then have all her hair ripped out? This sounds like something the US government might institute as a torture tactic in Abu Gharib. (And they could easily justify it by noting it can’t possibly be torture if gazillions of American women voluntarily have this done all the time.)
No, it is scary and wrong to me. For goodness’ sake, pubic hair exists for a reason. We lost most of our body hair during evolution. We lost our tails. We grew taller. So what’s left seems to have a purpose. And we need our pubic hair! Think of pubic hair as vagina eyelashes – they stop bad things from getting inside during sex and causing infections. Pubic hair is our friend.
I’m not sure how we so quickly arrived at this hairless situation, but it’s arguable that it is the popularity of g-strings, thongs, and other revealing bikini bottoms and underwear that led to the widespread (ha ha) acceptance and even expectation of shaved beavers. Fair enough, but I’d say that if your cooch hairs are hanging out of your bikini bottom, the solution is not to have them torn out of your vag and butt, but to get bigger bottoms. Think of pubic hairs as an organic warning system of sorts. It’s Mother Nature preventing you from humiliation by telling you to put on some clothes because you look obscene.
Let’s face it: female genitals got the nicknames pussy and beaver because they are furry. And who wants a hairless cat? No one. Having a hairless cat doesn’t even help if you are allergic to cats since the problem is with the dander, not fur. Feline pussies with fur are nice to stroke. Hairless cats are freaky. The same goes for human pussies and beavers, my friends.
Tags: hilarity, shameless self-promotion, thanks, unshaved snatch
>The fine people at BlogHer are participating in the DonorsChoose Challenge. Basically, because public education is grossly underfunded in communities across America, teachers often spend their own money on supplies for the kids. Since many teachers are underpaid, they often cannot afford the things that they need for special projects that enrich kids’ lives and help them learn. DonorsChoose is a website that lets teachers tell potential donors about what they need for their classroom and why. If donors like the idea, they can give a portion of the project cost or the full amount. All the projects are awesome.
For the DonorsChoose Challenge, I decided to write about a project called Puzzling Diversity. Mrs. G teachers four year olds in a low income community in Oklahoma. She would like puzzles for her pre-k classroom that illustrate the different types of careers that people from various ethnic backgrounds and genders can aspire to. I believe that almost nothing is more important than quality early childhood education, and I also love that Mrs. G is working with her kids at a young age to see outside of restrictive gender stereotypes and dream about what they can be when they grow up. Puzzles are also critical tools to help children develop fine motor skills and develop a spatial reasoning. Puzzling diversity really touches me in so many ways.
To equip her classroom with puzzles illustrating positive behaviors, Mrs. G only needs $75 more dollars. If 75 people give a dollar each, that would do it. I know that these are terrible times economically, but I think most people can spare a $1 to help kids. If you give $1 today, research on the benefits of quality early childhood education indicates that you will actually save between $7 and $17 in future spending (i.e. – taxes) because these programs lower the rate of dropping out of school, teen pregnancy, juvenile delinquency, repeated grades, and other social ills. So it’s a double benefit to support Puzzling Diversity if you think about it.
When I was a wee lass, I wanted to be president when I grew up. I also, at various points, wanted to be Jenny Lind (aka The Swedish Nightengale; a singer who toured the world and charmed audiences with her melodious voice in the early 1900s), Florence Nightengale, a teacher, and/or a bank teller. Husband wanted to drive the bus to the zoo when he was pre-school age. How about you?
Tags: democracy in action, good deeds, thanks
>I just adore this post that I wrote for BlogHer today about a crackpot new study that claims that the Pill leads women to choose the “wrong” partner. (The study involves 97 women thinking about taking the Pill, sweaty shirts, and sniffing. Sounds like a sound methodology, doesn’t it?) There are days when I think I might be one of the dumbest people on earth, and then moments like know when I am so pleased with my cleverness that I sound like an egomaniac. What can I say?
As long as I am encouraging people to read things that I wrote that I consider funny, I might as well put out another plea for reviews on my book over at Amazon. If you read it and liked it, please let potential buyers know how you felt. (Even if you didn’t like it, it would be helpful to know why.) Those of you who already posted something have my eternal gratitude. Those who post in the future will also have it. I don’t think it takes long to post, and you can even use a fake name. How often does something that takes five minutes earn someone eternal gratitude?!?!
>I’m pleased to announce that I was invited to guest post today at the NYU Arts and Science Blog! I used the opportunity to suggest a few small museums near NYU’s Washington Square campus, and proposed a short “subway road trip” that is easy to embark upon from the NYU area.
While I have not been active with the alumni association at my school at NYU for a variety of reasons, I really do owe my current life situation to the university. I moved out to New York City almost 14 years ago (August 28, to be precise) to attend college there. Taking advantage of all my AP test scores, I graduated in three years, which was more than enough time for me. In those three years, I went through several dorming “situations” that made me relieved to be finished.
But in that same time period, I met Husband, “Big Giraffe” (who 6 years later became my high school friend Alex’s husband), Steph, Dianne, Dr. P, Dr. H, and Dr. F, among other friends, at NYU. Through the Dean’s Circle program, I was able to travel abroad for the first time, awakening my thirst for travel. And, of course, I began my love affair with New York. Although I initially planned to go back to Chicago after I finished school, I realized that I belonged in New York.
Eleven years later, I hope that love comes through in Off the Beaten (Subway) Track. I owe it all to NYU.
>The always wonderful Denise at Flamingo House Rules wrote a great review of Off the Beaten (Subway) Track that made me laugh my ass off as much as the book made her laugh her ass off.
My favorite line: “The penis jokes in the book – awesome.”
Now, if only I could convince the publishing folks to include that in a reviews section on the press release…
(By the way, if anyone is interested in doing a blog book tour, I’m so up for it! Also, I’d forever be grateful if readers could post reviews on their blogs – which I would of course link to – as well as on Amazon. My friend/agent says it is critical to do so.)
>One of the talented individuals who took photos for the book IM’d me on Wednesday night and said that his copy of Off the Beaten (Subway) Track (OTBST) arrived! I jumped up and down with excitement, but I also wanted to puke because I am so nervous about what people will think. I hope people will enjoy it, but if not, I’d like to know why. (Feedback will only help me with my next book, whatever that may be.)
If and when you read OTBST, I’d be grateful if you could post a review at Amazon. I’m not pimping for five stars (although I’ll take ‘em if I earn ‘em!), but honest comments. Reviews can be submitted under a pen name, although that is not initially clear when you log in. So if you hate it but don’t want me to know, or you love it and want to stalk me, you can do it under a fake name and I’ll never be wiser.
As always, I hope that CUSS readers know how grateful and appreciative of all the support you have given me throughout this process, and your enthusiasm for the book. It’s just so wonderful to have a network of people, and I promise to return your energy when you write your books.
>I know nothing about building websites or graphic design. Hence I owe enormous thanks to two men for helping me put together a fantastic (new) website for my book, Off the Beaten (Subway) Track.
My friend Alex’s husband (blog name: Big Giraffe, or BG), very kindly put together a website for my book several months ago. He asked me what I wanted, and I said something that conveys information about what the book is about, where to buy it, and how to get in touch with me. He produced a great site that was simple enough for even a tech-idiot like myself to update, and included elements like an upcoming events sidebar. It’s been great!
My brother-in-law, who runs a home cooking events business called Hot Pot, is not only a marketing guru, but a graphic design genius. He designed the awesome invitation for my book party, and thought that he could cook up something snazzy along those lines for the website. Using BG’s framework and his enormous creative skills, Off the Beaten (Subway) Track looks super cool.
Once again, I am left to hope that the contents of the book can live up to its packaging!!! Thanks to both my brother-in-law and BG for all their hard work. I am so grateful.
Tags: props to my peeps, thanks, the book
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Name: Suzanne Reisman
Location: New York, NY
I'm a misanthropic humanist. While I'm a do-gooder by training and profession, I sort of also loathe people. Now I write, too.
COPYRIGHT: Please note that everything on this page is covered by my Creative Commons License, and should not be quoted without attribution, reproduced for profit, or altered in any way. Thanks.
CUSS swag is now available at the CUSS Store at Cafepress! You know you want it and will throw away your money on other crap anyway. Why not show the world that you love fuzzy beavers with stylish CUSS gear?
CUSS stickers are still free! Email me 
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