Had I undergone any sort of brain imaging or scans today, here’s what the results would show:
Maurice* collapsed in a heap around 11:30 AM. It was not pretty. Poor little fur ball. He really needs a vacation.
*The hamster who runs on the wheel that powers my brain.
Tags: random
The Census form arrived yesterday! I am very excited. Instead of working on my thesis, I am going to fill it out tonight. After all, it says in block letters on the envelope that it is required by law to return the Census. Am I a law breaker?* No I am not!
Besides, it is very important to be counted. Every day when I read the news, I despair at the state of the nation. Texas just re-wrote standards for all textbooks to emphasize the importance of Phyllis Schlafly; drop Thomas Jefferson because he wrote that church and state should be separate; and remind people that women and people of color got the right to vote because white males were kind enough to let them. Seriously. A dentist/”historical expert” on the committee that rammed through this abhorrent crap challenged people to show him where the Constitution calls for a separation of church and state. (He said he’d donate $1,000 to a charity of choice of anyone who can “prove” that this concept exists. Yeah, and he’ll sooner believe “evidence” that dinosaurs and Jesus played together as children while unicorns swarm in rivers of chocolate.)
Blah. The point is, I want to be counted because I know damn well that evil people who believe that the US is a Christian nation are going to be counted. I didn’t open my Census form last night, but I’m pretty sure that the Census does not ask about religion. I’m bummed about that because even though America is predominantly Christian, it would be nice to know how many people aren’t so we can be sure to protect everyone’s rights. Husband always says that we should be ready to flee at a moment’s notice. I used to think he was insane (“This is America!” I’d tell him), but history has shown that even the stablest democracies can turn, and of course, Jews have been kicked out of pretty much everywhere except North America (not that Peter Stuyvesant didn’t try really hard), so we’re probably due someday.
Um, yeah. Anyway. This sure turned into a downer, huh? No one is going to hire me to write ads for the Census if I keep this negativity up, so… The Census is here! Rah rah! Don’t forget to get represented! YOU matter! Woo!
*Well, if I could steal my political adversaries’ Census forms, I totally would. That’s the kind of bad ass law breaker I am. Except that I’m not, because that would be wrong. Sigh.
Tags: Asshole idiots, I am a bad person sometimes, Jewishness, mortification, nerds, random, Uncategorized, What is wrong with people?
>A white envelope waited for me when I checked the mail last night. In huge letters it said, “United States Census 2010.” Excitement surged through my veins. Ooooh! The Census! Not only do I love filling out questionnaires (seriously), but I love helping New York get its fair share of resources.
I ran back into the apartment. “We got the Census form!” I told Husband, waving the slim envelope triumphantly in the air.
“Are you sure? It could just be a letter telling us that the Census is coming.”
“Oh.” Suddenly the tiny envelope made more sense. I ripped it open. It was a letter. In bold letters, it said, “About one week from now, you will receive a 2010 Census form in the mail.”
Fine. I got all excited again. “The Census is coming! The Census is coming!”
I sort of hope that my enthusiasm for the Census will not be matched by people who live in states that don’t believe in government services or civil liberties. I don’t want them getting their fair share of representation if they are going to use it to deprive me of my fair share of rights. I’m just sayin’….
>Basically, I have no idea what is going on outside of my little sphere of work and thesis writing. I thought today was March 8th, which is International Women’s Day, and was all excited to write about it. I understand now that March 8th was actually yesterday. I’m going to say some shit anyway.
I wrote a post for BlogHer about 30 Woman Making History, a campaign by the Woman’s Media Center to highlight, yes, 30 women making history while also raising some dough to employ women to write about news and politics. Good idea. I picked five women that I thought were making history (Shada [Shatha] Nasser, Eveline Shen, Sindiwe Magona, Shirley Rodriguez Remeneski, and Alysa Stanton). Links for more info on each awesome woman is in my post at BlogHer if you want to know more, and yes, that’s my way of getting people to click over there. Whatever.
Today I read a post over at another awesome woman’s blog, Suebob’s Red Stapler. She quoted a not awesome woman blogger who said that equality is stupid because it is about fairness and we all know that life isn’t fair. “Fuck that!” was essentially Suebob’s reaction, echoed by all the excellent people who left comments on it.
One comment in particular stood out: “Vagina’s are wasted on some people I swear.” This was written by Thordora, who totally made my day.
And now, back to my day.
Tags: Asshole idiots, democracy in action, hilarity, props to my peeps, random, What is wrong with people?
>My thesis, which is about the spoken and unspoken experiences that I inherited from my paternal side, uses humor to explore the horrible things that happened to my grandparents and father during and after World War II. The humor is integral because my grandfather relied on jokes to deflect topics that he didn’t want to deal with and as a coping mechanism for his enormous losses. I think that this reliance on humor is something that I inherited from him.
Anyway, today I spent some time reading Jewish humor books. Partly it is for research, partly to procrastinate because I have no ideas at the moment. I thought I’d share one:
Sadie says to her husband, “Moshe, I’m fed up with frozen chicken. Please buy for me a live chicken for a change. Then I can make for us a lovely meal.”So Moshe goes to the market and buys the chicken. On his way back, he sees that Funny Girl is showing at the movies. He calls Sadie on a pay phone. “Sadie,” he says, “They’re showing Funny Girl at the movies. I think I’ll see it before I come home.”
“OK,” replies Sadie, “but what about the chicken?”
“I’ll take it inside with me,” Moshe answers.
Moshe stuffs the chicken down his trousers and goes in to see the film. Unfortunately, part way through the movie, the chicken pokes its head out. Two women are sitting next to Moshe and one turns to the other and whispers, “There’s a man next to me with his shmeckle hanging out of his pants.”
Her friend says, “Why be shocked? If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Just watch the movie.”
“But this one’s different. It’s eating my popcorn.”
OK, this joke totally cracked me up because it is so weird and random. I can almost hear my grandfather telling it. (He really liked dirty jokes, just like I do.)
Tags: hilarity, Jewishness, leering perverts, props to my peeps, random, yummy eats
>For a nanosecond, I wanted to scream when I stepped onto the subway on Tuesday morning. In a seat between two disinterested women lay a disembodied head, face down. Its black hair stood up at odd angles, and its brown neck was evenly sawed off from a torso.
I quickly realized that the reason that the women were so nonchalant about this horror was that it was a severed mannequin’s head. Further inspection lead me to notice that the mannequin’s little bud nose rested on a cosmetology magazine. The head seemed to belong to the woman on its right, who thoughtfully gave it its own seat so that actual humans had to stand.
At 42nd Street, the woman gathered her shopping bags, scooped up the head and magazine, and exited the train. I sat down in the seat formerly occupied by the lifeless head. I love living in New York City.
Tags: hilarity, I love New York, mortification, random
>If Husband and I had saved ten cents for every day we’ve been together, it would have paid for our ridiculous blow out celebration. Fortunately, the amount of change that Husband stashed away in his parking meter bank more than covered it. (Incidentally, now that he’s got everything counted and sorted in wrappers for the bank, the bag he plans to transport the coins in weighs more than 60 pounds!)
We kicked off our anniversary date by signing our wills, power of attorney documents, and health care proxies. It was very romantic. Yeah.
After the business of love was done, we went to the cozy Bookmarks Lounge on the top of the Library Hotel for a drink. I threw all caution to the wind and ordered an insanely expensive hot apple toddy, which I quickly realized that I could barely drink because it was more alcohol than cider. But the sips I had warmed me up on a rainy night, and I tried not to feel guilty about wasting money, so all was well. Husband enjoyed his overpriced glass of Chardonnay.
We took the bus up to Daniel. A few of my friends have celebrated anniversaries there, so I thought it might be nice for us. We left with extremely full bellies and an empty wallet. When I made the reservation, I mentioned that it was our anniversary, so they printed us little copies of the the menu that said happy anniversary as souvenirs. This is good, as I could not understand our French waiter, so I had no idea what we ate. Plus there was a lot of it, so I doubt I’d remember it all anyway. We did the eight course chef’s tasting menu. Here’s what we indulged in:
Course One
Mosaic of capon, foie gras, and celery root with pickled daikon, Satur Farms mache, and pear confit
Duo of duck foie gras terrine with figs, raisin chutney, spinach, and daikon salad
Course Two
Meyer lemon royale with sea urchin, North Star caviar, Barron Point oyster, finger lime and tapioca vinaigrette
Vodka-beet cured hamachi loin with walnuts and lettuce wrapped tartare with North Star caviar
Course Three
Duo of Florida frog legs and fricasse with kamut berries and black garlic, and “lollipop” with spinach, mushrooms, crispy shallots
Katafi crusted Maine lobster with broccoli mousseline, ricotta salata, lemon-pine nute gremolata, and sweet harissa sauce
Course Four
Bacon Wrapped montail fish with Maine lobster, green lentil ragout, tahoon cress
Slow baked striped bass with creamy endive, black truffle arancini, and perigueux sauce
Course Five
Roasted Liberty Farms duck breast with watermelon radish, spinach subric, cara cara orange, sauce “Bigarrade”
Course Six
Duo of dry aged black Angus beef – red wine braised short rib with porcini marmalade and seared rib eye with chestnut-potato gnocchi and swiss chard
Elysian Fields Farm lamb loin with braised radicchio tardivo, confit fennel, crispy polenta, and Sicilian olives
Courses Seven and Eight, but really more like Seven through Eleven
Desserts were little things made from fruits and chocolate (an apple tart, a spiced pear thing on semolina cake under a chocolate flake with warm chocolate sauce, peanut butter chocolate cake) with small blobs of ice cream (including smoked vanilla, which was repulsive), followed by a special plate of dessert for our anniversary, followed by warm mini Madelines, followed by four types of little chocolate truffles. We also had tea and coffee. In addition to the menus, we got a box of warm Madelines to take home for breakfast.
So, it was amazing overall. For the most part, I behaved myself. (I considered stashing the left over Madelines in a sandwich bag that I had left over from lunch, but restrained myself.) I will say that I do not like frog legs – the consistency made me gag, but I did not spit them out. I just smiled and switched plates with Husband. I also killed a moth while we were there, and spilled all sorts of things on the table. The service was crazy attentive. Every time I made a mess, a guy came over with a napkin and covered it up, which was sort of embarrassing. The bread guy also came five times, and I consumed four pieces of raisin walnut bread, which was the best bread I have ever tasted, along with the most delicious creamy butter on the planet. Today, I am still a little full…
Tags: oh happy day, ooh-la-la, random, yummy eats
>A little over 15 years ago, I rang Husband at his dorm room. I told him that I had something that I wanted to ask him. Before I got to my question, we spoke for two hours.* Then I said that I hoped to see a film over the weekend, and was wondering if he would like to join me. He said yes.
So, on Feb. 23, 1995, I met Husband in the lobby of his dorm and we walked to the East Village Cinemas to see “Pulp Fiction.” I wore a pair of rainbow striped stockings, a turquoise skirt, and a black tunic-y thing with orange embroidery at the neck and sleeves. And blue Doc Martens. I was nervous that Husband didn’t know that I meant to ask him out on a date, but when he paid for the tickets, I thought he knew.
After the movie, we went to a cafe and drank the worst hot chocolate I’ve ever had foisted upon me. It was like the staff dropped a Hals into it and let it dissolve. We laughed about how nasty it was. When we left, I forgot my ear muffs. Husband asked if I wanted to go back and look for them, but I said, “No, they are diarrhea brown. I’ll just get a new pair.” He thought this was hilarious.
He walked me back to my dorm, and we stood in a light drizzle for another two hours, talking. When we finally parted around 4 am, he hugged me good night. I’ve been on cloud nine ever since.
*And how my roommates, who were trying to sleep in our one room dorm cell, did not punch me in the face (as I deserved) is beyond me. I sat right next to one of my roommate’s beds as I obliviously chatted away.
Tags: fashion Suzanne-style, fun trips, oh happy day, ooh-la-la, random
Last Wednesday, I took a closer look at the nail on my big left toe. It had been a bit yellowed for a few weeks, but I thought nothing of it. I hate feet. They are gross even under the best of circumstances, so my toes aren’t exactly shining pedicured beauties and the slight discoloration didn’t really register.
It turned out that my nail was sort of in the process of falling off. “Hmmm,” I though. “I should probably do something about this.” I considered ripping it off myself, but wasn’t sure how much blood that would entail and how I might, without a toe nail, eventually stop it. So I put a bandage over it and called a podiatrist the next day. They gave me a Friday morning appointment.
The doctor looked at my toe and asked me when I traumatized it. “Huh?” I said. He said that I must have stubbed it at some point, causing the break, which was then allowed a fungus to get in. I wracked my brain. Maurice, the hamster who runs on the wheel that powers my brain, amped up. We came up blank. I’d think that something that would cause my toe nail to crack open would be something I might remember, but I guess not. The story of my life these days…
————————–
On a side note, changes are coming to CUSS! I have an awesome person helping me deal with the technical issues that Blogger threw at me a few weeks ago (I can’t use their publishing service after March 26 for a variety of reasons), and she’s going to be moving CUSS to a WordPress format. CUSS readers (all two or so of you, who I love dearly) will still find the blog at the same URL, cussandotherrants.com, and I think the feeds won’t be affected. It’ll just be a shiny new look (eventually) and a different way to leave comments.
Anyway, given all the blogs out there and the limited amount of time people have in which to read them, I just want to thank you for reading CUSS. It means a lot to me.
Tags: Blogger, fashion Suzanne-style, I am grosss, random, thanks
>When I moved to New York City from the ‘burbs of Chicago 15 years ago, one of the biggest adjustments I had to make was the lack of Walgreen’s. NYC had plenty of pharmacies/drug store chains to choose from – Duane Reade (as ubiquitous in NYC as Walgreen’s is in Chicago), CVS, Rite Aid, the one that was on 8th Street between Broadway and University whose name I am blanking on but that no longer exists, etc. – but I thought Walgreen’s had a better variety of random products than any of them. Whenever I went out to Long Island, I rejoiced in the Walgreen’s near the train station that served Husband’s parents’ town.
Over time, however, I adjusted. Duane Reade, still annoying in general, spruced itself up a bit as it expanded its presence. (At one point, it seemed like the only commercial space left in the City would be bank branches, Starbuckses, and Duane Reades.) I adapted to its overpriced merchandise, surly cashiers, and long lines. They introduced a card in which you got points for every dollar you spent, and they rounded up, which made me feel a bit better about paying $2 for a Diet Coke that the corner bodega might sell for between $1.25 (if I’m lucky) and $1.75. Once you get a $100, you get $5 off your next purchase. I love bribes.
So, when I got Husband’s email this morning that informed me that Walgreen’s acquired Duane Reade, I was shocked. Even more shocked than by the fact that the New York Times finally posted what was rumored to be such a scandalous story about Gov. Patterson that he’d immediately be forced to resign and it turned out to be boring. I mean, Walgreen’s taking over Duane Reade? This is craziness! I can’t decide if I am excited or horrified.
For now, Walgreen’s is keeping the Duane Reade name, but it will be really weird if they replace it and there’s no more Duane Reade in NYC. I wonder if this is revenge for Macy’s buying Marshall Field’s and then changing the name, an affront to the civic pride and identities of Chicagoans everywhere. Huh. Maybe I’ve uncovered a diabolical plot. Now that Duane Reade is threatened, I feel very defensive of it, even though I fucking hate that store (other than the bribes). Interesting.
Tags: epiphanies, hilarity, nerds, random
Subscribe Feed (RSS)
Comments Feed
Name: Suzanne Reisman
Location: New York, NY
I'm a misanthropic humanist. While I'm a do-gooder by training and profession, I sort of also loathe people. Now I write, too.
COPYRIGHT: Please note that everything on this page is covered by my Creative Commons License, and should not be quoted without attribution, reproduced for profit, or altered in any way. Thanks.
CUSS swag is now available at the CUSS Store at Cafepress! You know you want it and will throw away your money on other crap anyway. Why not show the world that you love fuzzy beavers with stylish CUSS gear?
CUSS stickers are still free! Email me 
and I'm more than delighted to send some your way. Spread (ha ha!) the word!
I also write at:
