Posts Tagged ‘props to my peeps’

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International Women’s Day Was Yesterday

March 9th, 2010 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, hilarity, random, What is wrong with people?

>Basically, I have no idea what is going on outside of my little sphere of work and thesis writing. I thought today was March 8th, which is International Women’s Day, and was all excited to write about it. I understand now that March 8th was actually yesterday. I’m going to say some shit anyway.

I wrote a post for BlogHer about 30 Woman Making History, a campaign by the Woman’s Media Center to highlight, yes, 30 women making history while also raising some dough to employ women to write about news and politics. Good idea. I picked five women that I thought were making history (Shada [Shatha] Nasser, Eveline Shen, Sindiwe Magona, Shirley Rodriguez Remeneski, and Alysa Stanton). Links for more info on each awesome woman is in my post at BlogHer if you want to know more, and yes, that’s my way of getting people to click over there. Whatever.

Today I read a post over at another awesome woman’s blog, Suebob’s Red Stapler. She quoted a not awesome woman blogger who said that equality is stupid because it is about fairness and we all know that life isn’t fair. “Fuck that!” was essentially Suebob’s reaction, echoed by all the excellent people who left comments on it.

One comment in particular stood out: “Vagina’s are wasted on some people I swear.” This was written by Thordora, who totally made my day.

And now, back to my day.

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Bring on the Funny

February 27th, 2010 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in hilarity, Jewishness, random

>My thesis, which is about the spoken and unspoken experiences that I inherited from my paternal side, uses humor to explore the horrible things that happened to my grandparents and father during and after World War II. The humor is integral because my grandfather relied on jokes to deflect topics that he didn’t want to deal with and as a coping mechanism for his enormous losses. I think that this reliance on humor is something that I inherited from him.

Anyway, today I spent some time reading Jewish humor books. Partly it is for research, partly to procrastinate because I have no ideas at the moment. I thought I’d share one:

Sadie says to her husband, “Moshe, I’m fed up with frozen chicken. Please buy for me a live chicken for a change. Then I can make for us a lovely meal.”

So Moshe goes to the market and buys the chicken. On his way back, he sees that Funny Girl is showing at the movies. He calls Sadie on a pay phone. “Sadie,” he says, “They’re showing Funny Girl at the movies. I think I’ll see it before I come home.”

“OK,” replies Sadie, “but what about the chicken?”

“I’ll take it inside with me,” Moshe answers.

Moshe stuffs the chicken down his trousers and goes in to see the film. Unfortunately, part way through the movie, the chicken pokes its head out. Two women are sitting next to Moshe and one turns to the other and whispers, “There’s a man next to me with his shmeckle hanging out of his pants.”

Her friend says, “Why be shocked? If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Just watch the movie.”

“But this one’s different. It’s eating my popcorn.”

OK, this joke totally cracked me up because it is so weird and random. I can almost hear my grandfather telling it. (He really liked dirty jokes, just like I do.)

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Freudian Slip

February 3rd, 2010 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in hilarity, Jewishness, writing

>Before I went to my peer advisory writing group this evening, I attended a going away party for a friend at work. There were many inappropriate discussions about snatch, viewing porn on a BlackBerry, and women ogling other women. (Oh, how I adore my colleagues!)

The latest draft of my thesis, which is about how I inherited my Jewish identity and outlook on life through what was both spoken and unsaid by my grandparents’ and father’s Holocaust legacies, includes this line about a nighttime asthma attack I had when I was seven:

“I could almost taste the blackness as though an octopus has replaced the night air with its inky discharge.”

We discussed the strangeness of the metaphor/image and why it worked even though it shouldn’t. Then my friend asked what the plural of octopus is.

“It’s octopussies,” I said. Then I turned bright red and we laughed until it hurt.

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If You Want to Look Good, Check This Out

January 28th, 2010 by Suzanne | 6 Comments | Filed in hilarity, random

>Although I cannot be bothered to wash my face on a daily basis,* I am excited to link to my friend’s blog, Ask An Esthetician. She is a licensed esthetician who is giving out excellent (free!) advice on beauty, particularly skin care. I know that most women are not slovenly shlubs like me who wander around with uncombed (albeit usually clean) hair, un-moisturized skin, and legs and armpits that make them look like Chewbacca’s midget sister, so I thought I’d do a public service promote her blog.

*Despite this gross habit, my skin is pretty clear. I am not sure why this is since in my pre-teens I was a horrid pizza face on the way to scars that would make Norriega look like a beauty queen. My mom insisted that I go to a dermatologist even though I protested, and the antibiotics he prescribed made a huge difference. (Thanks, Mom!)

After years of happy skin, I was covered with cyst-like zits in my early 20s. Another dermatologist gave me drugs, which did not work well, and he said I should consider Acutane as an option. No fucking way was I going on Acutane. In addition to requiring me to take birth control pills (which I was on anyway) and submit to regular pregnancy testing because it is so dangerous to fetal development, and cause hair and skin to fall out in chunks, it could cause people with depressive tendencies to commit suicide. I told him I’d rather be zitty than dead and fleshless.

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Happy Anniversary, BlogHer!

January 22nd, 2010 by Suzanne | 5 Comments | Filed in writing

Four years ago, someone took a chance on me. I’d only been blogging for a few months when I heard that BlogHer was looking for volunteer contributing editors for a new site they were launching. I rushed to their current homepage, noticed that people already claimed the topic I most wanted (feminism and gender), and saw that travel and recreation was still open. Well, I love traveling and do it a lot. I had just blogged a trip to France. I left a message with links to three posts (this was before I had any idea what HTML was, not that I’m an expert at it now), and hoped for the best.

Not long after, I heard from Lisa Stone, one of BlogHer’s founders. She said that she “loved” my blog and offered me the gig. I was thrilled! (Re-reading her email today, which I just looked at again, brings tears to my eyes. Yeah, I still have an email from January 2006 in my inbox.) My first post – Introduction to Travel and Recreation appeared on January 22, 2006. I hoped for many things, but was not sure what to expect.

Four years later, I still write for BlogHer, although on feminism, not travel. It offered me a platform when I was just exploring writing. It offered me a platform when I sent out proposals for a travelogue I was writing about unusual things to see and do New York City. It offered me a platform when my book, Off the Beaten (Subway) Track, was published 2.5 years later. It offered me a platform to meet and be inspired by other women.

Sure, it hasn’t been all champagne and roses. When I realized that my four year anniversary was coming up, I compared it to my marriage: sometimes I wanted to scream and stomp around with selfish, delusional indignity, but overall my life is richer, happier, and better in every way because I have it. (Husband was slightly offended by this analogy, but I stand by it.) I’m so lucky.

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My Stash

January 6th, 2010 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in hilarity, mortification, random

>I sorted my stash tonight, and made a horrific discovery. One of my maintenance inhalers (Qvar) expired in October 2006. Even I’m not messing around with that – in the trash it goes. I also discovered that the sample of my regular inhaler (Ventolin) given to me in December by my allergist expired in June 2009. Harumph.

Ironically, earlier in the evening, while chatting with Dr. P on the phone, I discovered a jar of pasta sauce that expired in December 2007. It was unopened. Dr. P advised me to toss it. I put it back in the pantry. (It was unopened!*) I did, however, toss out the jar of pasta sauce that expired in June 2009, which seems to be a busy month for products to expire in my household. (It was half empty, and I thought I spotted mold in it, although it was refrigerated.**)

Fortunately, my ‘stache stash is stocked and ready to rock the world, should I ever need a clever disguise or seven. Steph gave Husband a new extra long fake mustache and a mini mustache comb for the holidays. Between the asthma meds and the synthetic hair and glue, we are good to go.

*God, I am turning into my aunt. If I ever serve salad dressing that expired two years ago, then claim it is fine because it is unopened, I give the recipient of said dressing permission to slap me.
**There is hope for me yet.

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Birthday Fiver

December 27th, 2009 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in random

>Despite the breakfast birthday cake and burek that sat in my stomach like a lead hockey puck, I accomplished my goal and ran five miles today. It took me slightly under 55 minutes, for which I’d like to blame the birthday cake and burek, but I’m just out of shape. It felt good to run, though.

Then I did what I promised myself I would do and sat on my ass for the rest of the day. It’s a shame because it was gorgeous outside, but that’s how it goes. I watched many home films from the olden days (early 1976 – about 1985) on my father-in-law’s film projector. I have about 10 more to go, then I’m having them transferred to DVD as a gift to my parents. What was cool was that I watched movies from my 1st, 2nd, 4th, and 5th birthdays on my 34th birthday. What was not cool was how much I miss all of the relatives in the movies who aren’t able to celebrate with me today.

Now I’m planning a trip home for January to see my grandmothers. I’m really, really worried about them. Husband told me that the TSA has new stupid rules that will do nothing to prevent situations like the one on the Detroit flight that inspired them, and he now refuses to fly. (Eye roll.) But really, forbidding people from using the bathroom during the last hour of a flight or having anything in their laps for the last 30 minutes is evil. I hope that some sanity prevails soon.

Whatever the case, my 33rd year pretty much sucked overall, so here’s hoping that 34 brings better times. And thanks to everyone on Facebook for the awesome birthday wishes!!!

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More Butt Humor, Butt (ha!) Not Gross

November 22nd, 2009 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in hilarity, random

>While Dr. P was in Vermont with her family, she noticed a product at a general store called “Anti-Monkey Butt Powder.” We watched two hilarious ads on YouTube for this excellent product, which I thought I would share:

Anti-Monkey Butt Powder: The Jogger

Anti-Monkey Butt Powder: The Biker (as in motorcyclist, which is even better than bicyclist)

I hoped to embed the short videos in CUSS, but no codes for embedding were available. Boo. Well worth clicking on, and safe for work!

Speaking on work, my first day at my new job is tomorrow. I’m nervous, but excited. I wish I had not down enormous quantities of Indian food last night, though, as my stomach doth protest. I need to quash the rebellion ASAP if I want to continue to have a job after my first day. No one wants to work with a gas bag.

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Best Cartoon Ever Revisited

November 14th, 2009 by Suzanne | 4 Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, hilarity, mortification, random

>Years ago, I wrote a post about a “game” called “ookie cookie” or “cum on a cookie.” Basically, guys stand around in a circle and jerk off onto a cookie and whoever finishes last has to eat it. I profess to not understand males in any way, shape, or form. There are so many things that are wrong about people who would engage in such an activity.

Anyway, in response, my friend Mar sent me the greatest cartoon ever:

I am committed to republishing this cartoon every once in a while because I find it so fucking hilarious. Enjoy!

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>Quote of the Month

October 9th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, random

>Yes, I know it is early in October, but it would be very hard to beat out this excellent wisdom, as gleaned from my friend Dr. H’s Facebook feed:

“Mustard don’t change the word”
–significant other of a patient in response to her concerns that his sandwich was dripping onto the open Bible in his lap

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