Posts Tagged ‘I am grosss’

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>Buy Stock in Kleenex (or Puffs – Whatever)

February 3rd, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity

>The small mound of flesh between my upper lip and the bottom of my nose is raw and red. I work near the American Stock Exchange, and I think if the economy weren’t so bad, people would assume I’m a cokehead as I walk to and from work. Or do coke addicts not have red streaks coming out of their noses? (I only know one coke fiend, and I always forget that she is a cokehead because she looks so normal and I like her a lot, but I digress…)

If I’m not mistaken for an avid consumer of white powder, the other alternative is a victim of advanced stage syphilis. OK, I don’t know anyone with this condition either, but I have read that it can lead to the suffer’s nose rotting off. Parts of my nose look like they could slough off my face at any moment. The irritation is so bad that regular lotion or moisturizer does nothing; I smear Vaseline on my face. The shininess does not help the overall appearance.

The good news is that although I look like a coke addled syphilitic person who shoplifted a Butterball turkey by shoving it down the front of my pants,* I believe that the end if in sight. Only a few more nights of the toxic shot of NyQuil, and I’m on my way back to whatever passes for normal for me. At any rate, I’ve probably used 400,000 Kleenexes throughout this week-plus ailment, so I’m thinking that a decent investment these days is in soft tissue products. At this point, anything not soft is like rubbing sandpaper on my face, and I figure that all the zillions of other people who are sick right now are coughing up (heh heh) to buy the good stuff.

*This has nothing to do with being ill, and everything to do with looking bad in the nice work pants I am forced to wear to work every day. Oh flattering jeans! How I miss thee!

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>Special Anonymous Guest Post & Photo

January 31st, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, random

>We have been having a very bad, awful week at work. My co-worker and I were glumly walking out to lunch when we both saw this chair, which had been pushed under a counter, probably to hide what was on the seat.

We both looked down and saw the chair simultaneously, then looked up at each other and cracked up. It was that kind of junior high school laughing where you just can’t stop. We ran down the stairs, howling.

“Oh, we thought we had it bad,” I said.

“Yeah, but that is proof that it can always get worse,” he said. “I mean, no matter how bad it gets, now I can always say, “Well, at least I didn’t shit myself at work today.”

Thanks to my anonymous guest blogger and photographer for sharing!

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>Sickness Leads to Accusations of Shoplifting

January 30th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity

>So, other than the facts that my cough is hurting my throat and my constant nose blowing has helped remove the skin around my schnozz and mouth, the worst thing about this little bout with a cold/the flu is that I can’t go to the gym. While I was at Alex’s house last weekend, her Wii Fit assured me that I was a normal weight (BMI = 24.1), but suggested that maybe I want to get it down to 22.

That sounds about right to me. I look fine in jeans (Lucky Brand jeans are amazingly flattering on me), but damn, when I get dressed for work in dress pants, I could be mistaken for a 6 month pregnant woman. It’s to the point where I don’t want to go to the grocery store while dressed for work lest I be accused of shoplifting, as I seriously appear to have stuffed a Butterball turkey down the front of my pants.

The ailment has only moderately curbed my appetite, although fortunately the explosive digestive experience I had on Wednesday has not recurred. (I really can’t understand why anyone would risk that scary diet pill – Alli – that makes you shit yourself if you eat more than 15 grams of fat in one sitting.) Anyway, enough bellyaching. I need a nap. (And, seriously? Where did January go?!?!)

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>Intestinal Pneumonia

January 28th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in random

>I discovered that I really like the sound of the words pneumonia and spumoni. There’s something pleasing about that “moni” aspect. I also like the Tommy & the Shondelles song “Mony, Mony.” Interesting.

So I feel like the champagne bottle that is smashed against the prow of a new ship to christen it. There is possibly nothing worse than trudging to work through slush and snow while a freezing rain falls while congested, coughing, and trying to stop your nose from pouring its liquid contents onto your face. Then I sat through a (very interesting) training in which there was no water available. To keep my throat wet, I drank about a teaspoon of coffee with a cup of cream and two Equals.

However, unless pneumonia affects the intestinal tract, I am pretty sure that I have a stomach flu. Let’s just say that as I was walking to the subway after class tonight, my stomach made this growling gurgling sound, and I thought I farted. Your imagination can fill in what happened next. (What scares me is that this is the second time this has happened to me in the last six months, so maybe it isn’t the flu. Perhaps it was the cup of cream taking 11 hours to hit me?)

When I arrived home, I dominated the bathroom for a long time. I was afraid to walk away from my safe perch on my porcelain link to the sewer system. After I felt like there was nothing left, I suggested that Husband may not want to go in there for at least a week.

Hopefully, I’ll get a little NyQuil-induced sleep on the couch tonight and feel better in the morning. And apologies for the TMI. You know how I love my doody stories…

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>O, My Darlin’ Clementine

January 20th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, mortification, random

>Last week, Suebob posted a photo of a moldy cantaloupe that she found in her fridge. I showed it to Husband, and he asked me if it was named Archibald. (When his mother was growing up, her British father found a moldy – or mouldy? – cantaloupe in their house, and named it Archibald.)

Then last night, Husband sheepishly approached me while I sat at the computer desk, hiding something behind his back.

“Can you take out some trash?” he asked. (He was in his pajamas, whereas I was still dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.)

I had a sinking feeling that I knew what he was holding. When I said sure, he whipped out a bag with a moldy clementine. Seriously, seriously, moldy. Before I chucked it, I had to snap a shot:

As I threw it out, I sang it a funeral dirge. Oh my darlin, oh my darlin, o my darlin Clementine/You were lost and gone forever/Oh my darlin Clementine.

Happy Inauguration Day!!!!!

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>Out with the Old, In with the New

January 1st, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Damn, hilarity, I'm a natural resource producer, mortification

>There’s nothing like starting a new year than by breaking things. By things, I specifically mean bathrooms. And by bathrooms, I mean home and hotel facilities, one on each coast.

Yesterday morning, Husband and I awoke to urgent voicemail messages from my cousin, who is staying at our apartment while we gallivant about California. It seems that the pipes in our bathroom are leaking. The super and a maintenance dude came over to poke about, and after ripping up the linen closet (and patching it back up), concluded that the walls and floors of the bathroom need to be torn open to fix the problem. Work is to commence on Friday, Jan. 2 and hopefully will conclude on Monday, Jan. 5, which is my first day of work and I was already a nervous wreck about it before I learned that I won’t have a functional bathroom that day.

I rang in the new year today by nearly breaking the toilet in the hotel. The result of my spontaneous self-cleansing strongly resembled an eel. Steph warned me yesterday morning that the toilet was not as powerful as it should be. (“It took me three flushes and a lot of hoping. I almost started looking around for a wire hanger, but then figured that this place was too fancy. A wooden hanger would work,” she explained, “but wire hangers can be bent so that you can get as far away from the shit as possible, whereas a wooden hanger, it is what it is.”) I thought about my honeymoon trip to London in August 2001 and how I had broken the toilet with a shit brick, and then feared that my eel turd would be even worse. Fortunately, it went down in two flushes and nothing resurfaced. Whew!

Happy new year and shit…

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>Eruption

December 16th, 2008 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity

>There’s a mountainous red zit on my forehead, approximately half an inch above my left eyebrow. Since I am in the chin hair plucking phase of my life, I haven’t had to deal with real pimples in a few years. (Although there was the unfortunate transition period in which I had both acne and chin hairs. That was evil.) I realized that I forgot how to deal with volcanic zits.

When I first noticed Mt. Krakatoa bursting through the surface of my skin yesterday, I left it alone. I know that is technically what one is supposed to do, but in my zit-covered prime, picking at them seemed far more productive than sitting there, waiting for it to disappear on its own. This morning I remembered that I should poke at it. I grabbed my trusty tweezers and squeezed.

A small glob of pus oozed out. “Oh, yeah. That’s how it works,” I thought, as memories of zits past haunted me like ghosts visiting Scrooge on Christmas eve. I squeezed harder, not remembering what happens when the molten center of a zit bursts forth. Pus exploded out and hit the mirrored medicine cabinet. Ooops.

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>Flashback: January 30, 2007

December 2nd, 2008 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity

>From the CUSS archives. I swear I was way funnier in the past.

When I arrived home this afternoon from my first meeting as a magazine intern (!), I rushed to the kitchen for a snack. An apple with cheese is on my approved low-carb, anti-diabetes diet, and I grabbed an apple up greedily and smeared low fat spreadable cheese on it. Really, it was not the apple but the cheese that excited me so. I realized at that moment that if someone offered me shit with cheese on it, I might actually consider eating it, depending on the type of cheese. That is how much I love cheese. (Or a sign of how disturbed I am.)

Reflecting on shit-covered cheese reminded me of my last shower at my parents’ house. The water in Chicago is ridiculously hard, although it is not well water. (It’s fresh from Lake Michigan, although until modern plumbing solved some serious pollution issues, the water pumped from the lake was actually full of shit and disgusting.) Thus I always need conditioner for my hair when I am at my folks’, whereas I never use it in New York. I noticed that they had a bottle of Herbal Essences conditioner, so I dumped some on my head without really smelling it first. Herbal Essences is supposed to be so good that commercials portray sexy women having orgasmic experiences in the shower, hence I figured it would smell good.

I don’t know what was wrong with their Herbal Essences, but it had the essence of an animal with a flower-based diet that shit on my head. I was not pleased, although perhaps if it had cheese in it, I may have nibbled at it.

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>Resisting Urges

November 25th, 2008 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

>I discovered an individually wrapped string cheese in my backpack. It’s been in there for about a week, I think. I seriously considered eating it for a second or two, as cheese is really damn expensive these days and I hate waste, but then I noticed that the hermetically sealed package reads, “KEEP REFRIGERATED.” Better judgment prevailed.

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>Today in Review

November 24th, 2008 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, mortification, random

>Between being offered a job and straining my right calf muscle while killing a roach, I forgot to blog today. Lame, I know, but there was a lot of excitement and squealing in my apartment, so I forgive myself.

First, the job. I was offered the position that I interviewed for back in October. Any confusion is understandable, as my blog post regarding that first interview covered the hot chocolate dilemma that the potential job posed. (Quick review: the shop on the ground floor of the building in which the office is located sells hot chocolate made from Leonidas chocolates melted in hot milk. This is a potential dangerous addiction, both in terms of the effect of my wallet and my waistline, which is sadly the reverse of what I would like to happen because my wallet will be thinner and my waistline thicker.) I am very excited to work again, although very nervous that working full time will not leave enough time for school. But it’s a cool job, and worth the risk.

Onto the injury. I saw a six legged beast on its back, legs kicking in the air, next to a crack between the wall and the kitchen sink. Of course, I screamed. Then I attempted to squash it, but not too hard, as I did not want its guts smooshing out onto the sole of my slipper. In attempting to strike the proper balance, I managed to strain my calf muscle. What can I say? This is possibly the most pathetic way to injure a muscle known to humankind. It could be worse. At least the evil six legged critter is dead.

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