Posts Tagged ‘fashion Suzanne-style’

>Unicorns

August 12th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Damn, What is wrong with people?

>I passed by a boutique the other day, and in the window was a fabulous white dress with a unicorn spewing pink squiggly lines out of its horn:

Later, I called to ask how much the dress cost.

“It is $420,” the woman replied.

“Oh.”

“Shall I check to see if we have it in your size?”

“Um… no, that’s OK. Thanks.” I hung up fast.

Then Maurice, the hamster who runs on the wheel that powers my brain, fired up his run. Perhaps I could find it online cheaper? I stopped by the store to check out the brand. The unicorn dress is made by a company called Death by Drone. Intriguing…

When I looked it up online, I discovered that the dress I covet is named, “Evil Eye Through the Garden of Suffocation.” Now I was a little scared. I also discovered that it is also $420 on the Death by Drone website.

Even if it cute, and even if there is a blazing red jewel in the eye of the unicorn, that seems like a lot of money for a silkscreened cotton dress. But what do I know? Maybe I should splurge and go for it. Right. After that, I can feed my pet unicorn a bowl of gold and we can frolic under rainbows together. Harumph.

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>The Non-Guide to the BlogHer Conference

July 16th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in random

>It’s that time of the year, when the BlogHer conference is just around the corner, and people freak out and worry obsessively: what to wear, what if no one wants to talk to me, etc. etc. It’s also that time of the year when “experienced” BlogHer attendees write posts and guides to BlogHer to sooth newbie’s fears. Here’s my non-contribution to this literary tradition:

Forget all the soothing internet back-patting that’s going on: you are right to freak out. It will probably be overwhelming. But it will also be fine, and you will be excited to come back again. And again. And again.

My first BlogHer conference was in San Jose in 2006. Before I went, I feared that I would wind up in a corner eating cheese by myself. (This is what happens to me at pretty much every conference I go to, so I didn’t think that BlogHer would be different.) And that’s almost exactly what happened, except I didn’t eat cheese in the corner by myself. I ate cookies. Lots of cookies. I also spoke to some cool people, and I met my blog heroine, Suebob. Suebob even went out to dinner with me, off-site. I was sure after that she would never want to talk to me again, but not only did we keep in touch and hang out at subsequent conferences, I even visited her at her lovely home, and we shall be roommates at the conference this summer. See? It all worked out. (And what did I wear? I think I wore a different pro-choice t-shirt every day. I had a reason, but I can’t remember it. I also wore jeans and some weird gym shoes that were supposed to help work out my legs.)

In 2007, my several friends joined me at the Chicago conference. Just knowing that Count Mockula, Alex Elliot, and Super Des were there, and thus I would not eat cheese (or cookies) by myself in a corner, made me more confident and relaxed. As I result, I talked to more people. This was good. (And what did I wear? I can’t remember. Probably jeans and t-shirts. During the ice breaker, some idiot bitch asked me if I was a lesbian, and when I said no, she sneered at me and pointed to my CUSS logo shirt and said that I “project” lesbian. Whatver.)

The following year, Count Mockula had a baby (totally awesome) and didn’t come to the conference in San Francisco. Des did not attend, either. Alex and I roomed together again, and I spent the entire conference hanging out in the bookstore, chatting various people up, except for the session I attended on not having children. Maybe I went to another session or two involving other things, and I attempted to attend one of the infamous swag parties, but fled the noise and crowds promptly. The important part is that I had oodles of fun, and I got to sign my book, which rocked. (And what did I wear? More t-shirts and jeans, although I gussied up a bit for the book signing and wore a silk-y shirt with jeans.)

Now we are back to my hometown this year. Alex can’t attend, but I shall be rooming with Mar, a newbie, and the aforementioned goddess Suebob. I will attend parties and a session or two and hang out. I will eat unhealthy foods, possibly by myself, but more likely with others because I’ve done this before and I know more people. I will do another book signing (this time, during Friday’s cocktail reception) and have lots of fun. Yay!
(And what will I wear? Yes, t-shirts and jeans…)

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>Marcus Is Home!

June 13th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

>
Here he is with Uncle Suzanne. Oh, I mean Tante Suzanne. (We think that the people at the hospital thought I was a boy. On Thursday, there was a crotchety weird old guy standing outside the entrance to my apartment building. As I passed by him, he muttered, “What are you looking at, young man? You better look away or there’s gonna be trouble!” I was not sure if he was talking to me or this 12 year old boy who was walking the other direction.)

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>I Found…

June 9th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Jewishness

>At the end of last year, I found and rescued an abandoned pirate near Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco:

This was before the whole incident with the pirates kidnapping the American ship captain, of course, but my pirate doesn’t seem to exhibit any such hostilities. He just guards the treasures (paperclips, tape, scissors, etc.) I keep on my desk.

Then, in March, I found and rescued a wood fish in Carroll Gardens, where my friend lives in Brooklyn:

Yesterday, I found Jesus! OK, I found a wood tile Jesus and saints wood tile bracelet (like the one below, but a little different – my icons are blurrier, which made it impossible to photograph) on the sidewalk just a few doors down from my apartment:

Once I spotted it, I dove and snapped it up, not that any one else was in the area competing with me for it. I have coveted a bracelet like this for a long time. I think it is cool, but Husband would not be pleased if I spent his hard earned cash (or my own, for that matter) on such a Christian item. I am very excited to wear it about town. I hope that it is a sign that good luck is coming my way.

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>Another Day of Life*

May 20th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

>Job hunt. Run errands. Go to gym. Attend to last class of the semester. Coo over adorable baby picture:

Dana, my sister, is on the left, her friend is holding Marcus, and I’m in – er, I mean, on – the right, in my Jody Davis jersey. Heh.

*Also the title of a very interesting book I read this semester by Ryszard Kapuscinski about the civil war that engulfed Angola when the Portuguese withdrew in 1975.

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>Off the Beaten (Subway) Track: The Tour

April 26th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

>The debut walking tour for Off the Beaten (Subway) Track was a smashing success! It was organized by the New York City Transit Museum, and all 30 slots sold out. The motley crew of explorers journeyed with me to the Socrates Sculpture Park, past a dental studio that displays weird dentures in its window, into the Cathedral of St. Demetrios to see the saint’s ankle bone, through the Louis Armstrong House Museum, and onto the Queens Museum of Art. In between, we stopped at the Euro Market, at a pizza place, and at the Lemon King of Corona for refreshments. (The tour was blurbed in Time Out New York, too!!!)

Husband took many photos, including this one of me proudly leading the troops across the street:


I wore a ridiculous wide brimmed hat with a big red flower on it so that people could spot my short head in a crowd:


Plus my hat kept the sun off my ghostly face during the 88 degree day. It’s the same hat I wore throughout my trip to India two years ago. I bought it when I was in high school, thinking it was the height of style. Now it is my touring hat. I still believe it is the epitome of fashion.

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>Now That’s Talent

April 9th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in random

>As the express train raced through the subway tunnel this morning, I watched the Canal Street station pass by in a choppy blur. Then I turned my attention to my fellow commuters. A woman with dyed blond hair applied thick black lines with a sharp eyeliner pencil to her lower lid, monitoring her progress in a hand mirror. Satisfied, she capped the pencil, dropped it in her bag, and pulled out mascara. Done with that, eyebrow liner emerged.

I was impressed. I can barely apply eyeliner and mascara evenly when I standing on solid ground. If I were on a bumpy train, no doubt I’d poke my eyes out. I’d then be forced, a la Odysseus Oedipus,* to wonder the streets of Manhattan with my eyes tangled in my beard. OK, my beard is not yet that bushy, but if I don’t keep up with the plucking, it could be.

Actually, that’s one thing I probably am talented enough to pull off – plucking chin hairs on a subway train. Yeah, I’m bragging.

*Thanks, Rebecca. That’s what I meant. Stupid Maurice (the hamster who runs on the wheel that powers my brain) let me down again!!!

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>True Age

March 31st, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, mortification

>According to one of those online “true age” quizzes, I am 28. (Or maybe it said 29 – I can’t remember, which is a sign of how accurate the quiz is, isn’t it?) My “true age” was determined through a series of questions about my height, weight, some moderate exercises, lifestyle (smoking, drinking, drugging), and a few actual health-related questions about asthma and family history with diabetes and hypertension. Since I am the most boring person on the planet, the lifestyle questions clearly brought my age down.

Perhaps a more reliable true age quiz would ask whether anxiety caused me to peel the flesh off my cuticles, if I had mysterious ailments, and at what age I was told to wear reading glasses with my contacts. Because that last question’s answer? Would be 33 year old. Yep. The eye doctor told me yesterday that my eyeballs were straining to focus and I should wear reading glasses in the afternoons.

My plan is to get the crotchitiest, most elderly looking pair I can find at the pharmacy, then partner them with some hideous chain. Then it will be obvious that my true age is 77. Gah. At least March 2009 will finally end in about 28 minutes.

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>There’s a Sea Monster in My Sink! Eeeeek!

March 21st, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity

>Husband and I went shopping for new fixtures for our bathroom today, and I had to share this:

(Apologies for the poor quality of the picture.) This is a sea monster sink. On one hand, it is the coolest sink ever. I cannot stop laughing. On the other hand, seriously – it is a faucet shaped like a giant fish with little critter handles. People pay money for this not as a joke? I mean, I would totally love this sink, but only so I could tell guests to use my sea monster sink because it would be so hilarious, and because I love sea monsters, as one of my first blog posts attested. But seriously!

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>schmoozer, loser

March 3rd, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in mortification, random

>6:52 pm
Greetings from the corner of a fancy awards dinner! When I was invited to the event last week, I was excited. What a great opportunity to meet people, I thought. Of course, I forgot how bad I am at schmoozing.

I also appear to be one of four women not wearing stilettos. The fact that I am decked out in neon green wellies is probably not making me a more enticing person to network with, either. But it is slushy and cold, dammit! What else should I wear?

Ok, off to my table, where hopefully my host will not be embarrassed by me. At least I left my bear hat and backpack at the coat check…

Update from home: Once I joined my table, all was well. No one seemed at all disturbed at what I thought passed for “festive attire,” as the invitation specified. Lots of cool reproductive rights and social justice types to chat with, plus the woman I sat next to graduated from my high school in 1987. Everyone rocked! I am very glad that I attended, and thankful to my host for thinking of me.

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