Posts Tagged ‘cheesy puns’

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>Turkey in the Pants

February 9th, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity

>As per the heeelarious Shonda’s request, here is evidence of my fear that I will be stopped at a grocery store for attempting to shoplift a turkey by stuffing it down the front of my pants:

Please keep in mind that I was even wearing a girdle when I snapped this fine self-portrait (yes, I resorted to Assets, a Spanx spin-off undergarment that I bought at Target for $10 hoping for miracles), so it generally looks a bit bulkier. Also, I do not think that I look like I am shoplifting a turkey in my pants when I wearing jeans. There is just something extra unflattering about “work” pants. Ugh.

Incidentally, the title of this post reminds me of a song that my sister and I listened to when we jumped on my bed pretending that we were gymnastics teachers, “Turkey in the Straw.” The song was on the awesome Goin’ Quackers album, featuring Donald Duck. It also had classics like “I’m in Love with the Big Blue Frog” and “Throw It Out the Window.”

For the record (heh heh), we preferred “Disco Mickey Mouse” when we did bad things like jump on the bed. (The title track was excellently paced, as was “Watch Out for Goofy,” a song warning women that he would dance on their feet.) I think “Sesame Street Fever” came in third. Damn, you gotta love the early ’80s for bringing disco to kids.

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>Buy Stock in Kleenex (or Puffs – Whatever)

February 3rd, 2009 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity

>The small mound of flesh between my upper lip and the bottom of my nose is raw and red. I work near the American Stock Exchange, and I think if the economy weren’t so bad, people would assume I’m a cokehead as I walk to and from work. Or do coke addicts not have red streaks coming out of their noses? (I only know one coke fiend, and I always forget that she is a cokehead because she looks so normal and I like her a lot, but I digress…)

If I’m not mistaken for an avid consumer of white powder, the other alternative is a victim of advanced stage syphilis. OK, I don’t know anyone with this condition either, but I have read that it can lead to the suffer’s nose rotting off. Parts of my nose look like they could slough off my face at any moment. The irritation is so bad that regular lotion or moisturizer does nothing; I smear Vaseline on my face. The shininess does not help the overall appearance.

The good news is that although I look like a coke addled syphilitic person who shoplifted a Butterball turkey by shoving it down the front of my pants,* I believe that the end if in sight. Only a few more nights of the toxic shot of NyQuil, and I’m on my way back to whatever passes for normal for me. At any rate, I’ve probably used 400,000 Kleenexes throughout this week-plus ailment, so I’m thinking that a decent investment these days is in soft tissue products. At this point, anything not soft is like rubbing sandpaper on my face, and I figure that all the zillions of other people who are sick right now are coughing up (heh heh) to buy the good stuff.

*This has nothing to do with being ill, and everything to do with looking bad in the nice work pants I am forced to wear to work every day. Oh flattering jeans! How I miss thee!

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>Furry Beaver

November 26th, 2008 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity

>I went to the gym yesterday morning. One of the TVs in the room had the Today show on. It was right in my line of vision. The teletype was on and I half-watched without sound while running on a treadmill. A woman brought some animals onto the stage, and Kathie Lee and some giantess reacted to each one as if I were a serial killer on the loose. I rolled my eyes.

Then, it happened. The animal lady’s assistant carried an enormous brown beaver out. It was adorable, although understandably terrified of the women poking at it with a stick of celery and kept trying to escape. “Damn, that beaver is large and furry!” I said to myself and cracked up. “I want to touch that soft beaver!”

Unfortunately, I almost fell off the machine at that point, so I missed one of the women’s comments, looking up just in time to see Kathie Lee wrinkling her little button nose and the teletype reading, “No, this is just the way beavers smell.”

Trust me, my furry beaver was no better after a six mile run. Heh heh.

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>The Heat is On

November 19th, 2008 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, random

>In New York City, landlords either blast the heat so that the old people in the building don’t complain and the other tenants sweat their balls off, or they are slumlords who provide no heat at all and tenants are forced to use ovens and space heaters to keep warm. I am fortunate enough to live in a building that provides heat, albeit way too much heat. Generally, I keep the radiators turned off and even an icicle like me is toasty.

This morning I had to open the valve on the radiators. Even Tycho seems to be cold. (Serves him right for shedding like a maniac in November, although I can’t entirely blame him for not knowing it is the cold season since the apartment is usually hot.) As I write this, it’s four degrees warmer in the Chicago area than in New York (34 degrees – above freezing! – versus 30.) Freezing temperatures were also reported in Georgia. (Stay warm, Eddie! And by the way, your son’s Beetle is my dream car.)

Speaking of heat, it seems that the stupid Democrats in Congress are re-warming up to that assfuck Lieberman. They should be freezing that douche nozzle back to Connecticut. I guess they think they need him because in Minnesota, usually one of the coldest places in the nation, a hand recount of the 2.9 million ballots cast is underway. Convicted criminal Ted Stevens lost his bid for re-election in Alaska (as I said to a friend yesterday, I love when Americans do the right thing by small margins), so that’s a plus even though I’m not sure I want the Dems to have a super majority.

Also in hot news, the winner of the Mr. Lower East Side Pageant was (drum roll, please) Tokyo Circus! Not who I wanted, but he’s certainly deserving of the title. The man did splits on a stage covered with beer and who know what other fluids wearing only a g-string pouch-y thing. Major kudos. I am glad that the audience has higher standards than I do, as I tend to vote for the cutest guy who is willing to show his balls. I’m a sucker for attractive male nudity. (Yes, I’m talking about the tour guide guy again, lecherous hag that I am.)

And that’s my report on the temperature.

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>My Furry Beaver Gets Around: BlogHer Beaver Shots Now Online!

August 2nd, 2008 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity

>No less than a 100% rip off of Suebob’s popular red stapler series, I decided to bring my furry little beaver to the 2008 BlogHer conference and have her pose with my blogging friends. Brilliant! Except that I forgot my camera. Fortunately, Alex lent me hers, so I wandered around the conference on Friday, asking people to take a beaver shot. Then I forgot to upload the pictures from Alex’s camera. Until Thursday night…

Without further ado, I present: My Beaver at BlogHer 08. Feel free to tag yourself if you have a beaver shot. (I figure some people may not want to be identified for web search purposes, so I leave it up to the individual in the photo to tag herself. Please do not tag any beaver shot unless you are in it. It’s pretty bad when a prospective employer googles someone and comes up with a link to her beaver shot…)

Someone (Mar, I think) suggested that Bev the Beaver do a tour, which I think would be fun. People who want to be in a picture with my beaver would email me (or leave a comment), I’d generate a list with people’s addresses, then send Bev and the list to the first person on the list. That person would take a picture with my beaver and post it, then send Bev to the next person on the list and so forth, until Bev is sent home to me. Anyone interested?

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>I Love the Nightlife

August 1st, 2008 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

>I also love to boogie, but that is another story. This post is about how wild the nightlife is in the Catskills. In the past week, I saw:

  • wild turkey

  • deer

  • gopher

  • opossum

  • skunk

  • hawk (or possibly falcon)

  • rabbit (although I saw more of those critters when I visited my parents earlier in July in the ‘burbs of Chicago)

  • toad

  • frog

  • what I think were red lizards of some sort, crushed on the road

Further, I encountered more spiders and moths than I’ve seen in the previous two years combined. Add in the beetles, crickets, and UFIs (unidentified flying insects), and it was a total free for all. While it was all exciting, I’m very relieved to again be in the tame confines of my New York City apartment this evening.

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>Pecans, Almonds, and Pistachios

July 10th, 2008 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

>Things are kind of nuts here right now. (Ha!) Not only is Susanne Reisman still a co-author of Off the Beaten (Subway) Track in some venues (although, thankfully, the freeloader has been dropped from most listings), but now Suzanne Reizman is also on the wait list at New School. We’ll see how that goes.

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>Conversations with My Mom

June 30th, 2008 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity

>While watching the Cubs lose to the White Sox on Saturday:
“I think I’m constipated,” I said.

“So are the Cubs,” my mom replied.

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

“They don’t have any runs!” she beamed.

I went to ask my mom something while she was sitting in the kitchen, staring at her calendar:
“I think you have a milk mustache,” I said, noticing a thin white line above her lips.

“No, that Mylanta,” she laughed.

Little snippets of conversation with my mom seem to be a good way to begin July’s blogging (and fill up what is my 1,600th post). I’m hoping that July will be full of fun and excitement. I’m at my parent’s house for the first week, then the BlogHer conference is in the middle of the month, and I’m spending the last week with Husband and 8 gazillion friends at a house we rented in upstate New York. See? Fun. What I am not going to do is obsess over grad school. (No, I didn’t hear anything.) Right? Right.

Feminism & GenderI’m all up for hanging out in San Francisco with bloggers and friends and friends who are bloggers. Not only will I be hosting the Feminism & Gender meet up room, but also the Travel blogging one. Yay! And I’m hoping that things work out and Off the Beaten (Subway) Track debuts at the conference. Then it comes out for everyone. (I really hope people like it.) Yes, lots of fun, little anxiety.

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>Belated Earth Day Plea for Bush Conservation

April 23rd, 2008 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

>Yesterday Count Mockula sent me a link to a pair of “Stop Deforestation” knickers. Those Brits are so cheeky! (Ha ha.) Unfortunately, at $2 to the £1, these undies would deforest my wallet. (Even without the awful exchange rate, I am way too cheap to buy $25 underwear, even if they are adorable and “crack” me up. Oh, me with the puns – my fake mustache is quaking with laughter…)

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>Gnus (Not News)

April 11th, 2008 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

>

I still have no news on the MFA thing, so I thought I’d post a picture of gnus instead. Until I searched for a photo of gnus, I didn’t realize what strange-looking beasts they are. Supposedly, all decisions at New School will be made by April 15, so perhaps I shall soon have some news to go along with the gnus. I better get in, as I have some great ideas for my candy bra picture, and the deal is that I only eat a candy bra if I get into a creative writing program.

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