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The Last [Journal] Entry

January 18th, 2012 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in those were the days

This post concludes my blogging via a time machine back to my 18 year old self’s thoughts recorded in a journal for my AP Political Science class in 1994. I am still flabbergasted at how similar I am half a lifetime later, blown away by some of my overconfidence (the White House? Seriously?), and amused by my naivety. Let’s see what 2012 has to bring.

April 22, 1994

Wow, looking back on my thoughts for the past 3 months has been interesting. I realized that you wanted us to be personal, but not too personal, so I think I’ll use this last entry to wrap up, and maybe reassure you of my sanity!

I have written mainly about my rage. I suppose that is how I feel most of the time. I am really, however, a strange combination of seething anger, hope, confidence, and a little bit of insecurity. I think it makes for an interesting mix and adds depth to my character. I’d like to believe that I am charismatic, but I think I am only flattering myself when that occurs to me. I hope that I am; it would certainly be great!

One thing I’ve discovered about myself over the last few years is that politics is in my blood. I can’t describe the intense excitement I feel when I am able to debate and spread my ideas, when I am able to meet with members of our government, or when I stand outside the White House and think about how nice it will be when I live there. (And not as the First Lady, either!!) Ambitious? You better believe I am! I don’t feel the least intimidated by “high ranking” government figures, ranging from just walking into the governor’s office to leave him a note, to telling Sen. Warner that he has no right to tell me whether I can obtain a safe, legal abortion or not. (This was at Presidential Classroom, and several people became angry with me for saying this because I was not “polite” enough.)

I suppose it is this outspokenness that has earned me the position of spokeswoman for the Teen Advisory Committee. I’ve done everything from greeting Penny Severns to giving a speech at NARAL’s 25th Anniversary celebration. Yes, I’m mad as hell and not going to take it any more, but I want to channel this rage into something positive.

I suppose it is only natural to flaunt all my successes and gloss over the failures, but I’ve had more than my fair share of those, too. I think because I have suffered so much and struggled with myself for survival, I am more human. I’m not any outstanding individual, just a normal person who’s had chances to do special things, while dealing with the complications that life has to offer. Maybe, though, this same “normality” is what makes me different.

While I am very self-confident about my intellectual abilities and future, I am wracked with self-doubt about the same things that other girls are. I usually hate my physical appearance (about 99% of the time), and worry about boys. I have no doubt that this is due to the culture that surrounds me. Sometimes, it is very hard to overcome these insecurities and focus on the good. This is a problem that has plagued me for a long time now. It drove me to a suicide attempt and self-mutilation. It also drove me to several periods of rash actions due to depression. But, I have the strength to fight it, and I won’t let it control my life ever again.

Anyway, I hope that this last entry is not too personal – much of it is pretty common knowledge – I haven’t made my checkered past very secretive – and explains a little bit about who I am why I’ve reacted to the events I wrote about in the way I did. Then again, I’ve been in your class for quite some time now, so maybe you know much of this already. If that is the case, I hope this journal has at least been interesting to read. I guess I’ll take this time (as long as I’m on the subject of confessions) to tell you how much I’ve enjoyed being in your class this year. I learned a lot, and had a good time doing it. Thanks!

The instructor responded that the journal was interesting, and that it had “many lengthy and provocative entries.” His final judgement was, “terrific job – A.” Hopefully that means that I am still doing a good job writing thought-provoking things, since I haven’t changed that much.

Lobby, Lobby, Lobby!

January 17th, 2012 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Damn, random, those were the days

April 20, 1994

Yesterday, I went down to Springfield [IL] to lobby the legislative about Parental Notification laws. I must say it was a very interesting experience! First, I tried to call Schoenberg out of hearings to talk to him, but he wasn’t on the floor. So, I crossed the hall to the Senate side and met with Sen. Stern. She is a very nice person, and I presented her with a pro-choice calendar from the NARAL Teen Advisory Council to thank her for support. When I later located Schoenberg, I gave him a calendar as well, and he in turn invited me to a conference he is holding about women. Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend.

I also got to meet Penny Severns, who is running for Lt. Governor with Dawn Clark Netsch. She was a very nice person as well. We gave her calendar, too. (Hmmm… you know, these very same calendar are available for purchase… only $6 and I’m in it! Hint, hint, if you’d like one…)

Anyway, after talking with Schoenberg, Stern, and Severns, I went around to other senators’ offices to give out calendars. One interesting thing I found when doing this was a discrepancy between the Democrats’ side and the Republicans’ side. The Dems set up was, in the words of my friend, “communal.” The secretaries sat in clusters and chatted. They were a diverse bunch, representing a range of ethnicities and ages. The Republicans’ side, however, was “like a country club.” They had thick, plush carpeting and luxurious furnishings. What I found scary, though, were the secretaries. EVERY SINGLE ONE was young, white, blond, and had a Southern accent. I could not figure out where all these Southern women came from! Are they imported from Tennessee or something?!? It was really creepy!

I finished off my day of lobbying by making an unscheduled stop in Gov. Edgar’s office. I left a letter to him explaining why he should veto parental notification bills. I was very proud of myself, although I doubt it really will do any good. But, who knows? It’s worth a try!

Oh, one more point of interest. As I sat here writing this entry, I was interrupted by a call from Stern’s office. She told her staff to invite me to a brunch with her and her supporters on Sunday, May 1. I was all excited to go, but then I realized that I’d probably fall asleep in my plate becayse prom is the night before. Oh well! There’ll be lenty more chances in the future.

The “Scandal” Continues

January 14th, 2012 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in Asshole idiots, other rants, those were the days

April 7, 1994

Whitewater, Whitewater, Whitewater! I am so goddamn sick and tired of Whitewater! I realize that I wrote about this same goddamn topic, oh, about 3 months ago, but apparently the press just can’t get enough.

It makes me so angry because the Republicans will use any tactic they can to divert attention from the real issues. Why is the country being held hostage by such bullshit? Let’s just drop the whole thing and move on. We have more important things to worry about.

Marriage Is Dangerous to your Health

January 10th, 2012 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in evil, other rants, those were the days

Oh, how young I was! My teacher’s comment: “Oh, don’t be so cynical – there are some success stories, too.” If only Mr. Chase could see me now, married for almost 12 years.

March 14, 1994

Once again the news talked about a woman who was killed by her husband. He whacked her over the head, sat down, and watched her bleed to death. Last week, a woman disappeared; her body was recently discovered in her estranged ex-husband’s house.

Unfortunately, these stories are all too familiar. I read somewhere that 40% of all women who are murdered were killed by their (ex)husbands. And how many women are killed by their boyfriends? I’m not sure, but it’s probably a lot. Stalkers are not uncommon and the law doesn’t do anything about them. Over and over again I find myself hearing or reading stories about women killed by their lovers.

It’s no wonder that I don’t want to get married. I could get killed. On the other hand, relationships are just as frightening. I used to be a peer educator on dating violence and I went around talking to high school kids about it. It’s scary to see my peers involved in such dangerous relationships already. Then again, it shouldn’t really come as any surprise to me: I was in a semi-abusive relationship my sophomore year and I’ll tell you, the boy is currently getting worse. I’m pretty scared for his current girlfriend. Someday, I expect to see his face in the news. I have no doubt that he’s going to hurt someone very badly in the not-so-distant future. Maybe he’ll get help before that happens, but I highly doubt he will.

Anyway, I’ve also been reading up on dating violence lately. The statistics are scary. I tell you, a girl is better off staying single. Safer, at any rate.

Election Time!

January 9th, 2012 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in random, those were the days

From the journal I kept for my AP Poli Sci class when I was a senior in high school. Damn, I was fucking optimistic back then.

March 12, 1994

The primary is in just two days, and I couldn’t be more excited! It’ll be my first time voting, and my mom is going to pick me up from school and then we are going to head out to the voting polls. How exciting!

I am very excited because Dawn Clark Netsch* is in the lead. I feel like I am partially responsible, in a very small way, for this. I did phone banking for Netsch and as I talked to people, I helped familiarize them with Netsch and her ideas. They want me to help out on election day, but I can’t. Too bad – I think it would be fun!

In early February, I tried to get a job in Grace Mary Stern’s** office. On Friday, I got a nice letter from her. She said that she didn’t have the money for a paid campaign worker, but I am more than welcome to join as a volunteer. Unfortunately, I wanted a job as a person on her senate staff, not campaign; she just misunderstood. I’m wondering if I should pursue this. On the other hand, I could try to work with Schoenberg*** or Porter.**** Oh well! I better get crackin’!

*This was the Democratic primary for the race for Illinois governor.
**I have no idea who this is, but I guess a local elected official.
***Schoenberg, until recently, was my parents’ state assembly rep. He retired.
****Porter was our Congressman. He was a moderate Republican. When he retired, a less moderate Republican douche bag named Mark Kirk won his seat by a slim margin. He is still in office and still a douche bag.

Fat

January 8th, 2012 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Damn, fashion Suzanne-style, other rants, those were the days

I’m back to the journal I kept for my AP Poli Sci class literally half of my life ago. I swear I wrote this 18 years ago.

March 7, 1994

Tonight I saw a report on the news which linked crash dieting to breast cancer. Earlier this evening, I read an article in YM (not a very intellectual magazine, I admit, but entertaining!), about a girl who was bulimic. Every model I see is thin, thin, and thinner. Very few women can attain these unrealistic standards of “beauty,” but we are constantly attacked with these evil images of what we “should” be.

What scares me about all this is how easily we fall prey to these messages. I’ve heard many sad stories about 7 year old girls believing themselves to be fat and going on diets. I consider myself to be a strong person, and yet I, too, am caught up in the weight traps society sets for me. I hate feeling fat and disgusting and I’ve even resorted to starving myself in the past. I once lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks by eating nothing by cereal and carrots. When I gained that back, I began forcing myself to throw up after I’d stuff my face. I remember being at a friend’s house last year over Winter Break, eating 3 pieces of thick crust pizza, throwing them up, then eating a piece of French silk pie, and throwing that up too. Luckily, I decided that business was bullshit, and I’d just be fat.

Well, it’s not so simple. Every time I see an Ultra-Slimfast or Nestle Sweet Success or Dexatrim commercial, I seriously consider using them. None of them are healthy, but women have done some pretty dangerous stuff in the past in order to fit society’s “beauty” standard. Plastic surgery is a whole other story.

Maybe I wouldn’t feel so pressured, despite the barrage of ads, if clothes were made to fit me. But the beauty politicians have set their own agenda here, too. Designers seem to believe that only tall and thin girls exist. Either that, or they are determined to makes sure that only tall, thin girls – or at least thin – exist by making clothes only for them. I like to go shopping, but at times it is a personal hell. It’s very depressing to try on 8 jillion dresses and not have one fit. In fact, it can make one downright hungry…

I read a section in Backlash by Susan Faludi about the fashion industry. It’s unbelievable how many women-haters are the ones who are dressing us. The more I learn about the politics of beauty, the more I understand why self-doubt, anorexia, and bulimia are so rampant through our culture. From wearing corsets that were tied so tight that the woman would faint from the slightest exertions (very bad circulation, mind you) to today’s teeny bikinis, women just are thrown from one extreme to the other. Very few people are immune to the quest for perfection and societal acceptance. Not even me.

Heritage

December 19th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Damn, evil, Jewishness, other rants, random, those were the days

The optimism (and lack of knowledge beyond Ashkenazi Jews) in this journal entry for my AP Poli Sci class just kills me. This is probably the issue in which my views have most evolved over the last 18 years:

March 2, 1994

I am so disappointed and hurt by the psychotic actions of the crazed Dr. Goldstein* in Israel. How can we ever expect to be taken seriously when we complain about terrorism and then we commit the same heinous crimes that we condemn? It is because of people like Dr. Goldstein, extremists, that other people hate Jews. OK, well, maybe not, but we’ll never solve anything by acting the same way as our enemies. It is for that reason that I am glad that Rabbi Kahane** is dead.

It crushes me when a Jewish person commits an act of violence like that. I realize that no race is perfect, but it still makes me embarrassed to be Jewish. It’s really weird because I usually consider myself proud to be Jewish. Over the last few years. I’ve become very aware of my Jewish heritage. In the past, when people would ask me what nationality I am, I’d say Russian and Polish. But recently I’d begun to rethink my position. True, my family came from these countries, but we don’t have any of their customs. In fact, Jews were never considered to be Russian or Polish or whatever nationality, but Jews. They lived in separate towns (willingly or forced), spoke a different language, and had their own culture. They were a nation of people without a nation, scattered around the globe, connected by religion, culture, persecution, and language. Now when I’m asked what my background is, I say Jewish.

The point of all this is that every nationality needs a nation, and that’s why Israel is so important. I don’t want it to lose respect in the eyes of other nations because of some crazy. We have too much to lose. It just really upsets me that we’ve come this close to peace, and now it may be lost.

*This evil person killed 29 Muslim worshippers in Hebron: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baruch_Goldstein
**I spit on his grave: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meir_Kahane

Classroom Politics

December 18th, 2011 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in hilarity, other rants, those were the days

From the journal I kept for my AP Poli Sci class when I was 18:

Feb. 21, 1994

In this journal entry I am lodging a formal complaint. “A complaint?” you may ask. Yes, a complain. What I want to complain about is the book we are currently being forced to use. I must point out that this book is unconstitutional. The Constitution clearly states that “cruel and unusual punishment” is forbidden. Yet that is exactly what is going on.

This book is the most boring, annoying, evil thin I’ve ever attempted to read. I’ve heard that it is prescribed to insomniacs to put them to sleep. It not only presents the material in the most boring way possible, but also in the most confusing. One second they say class is no factor in British politics, the next second they say it is the most important one. OK. Whatever.

At any rate, I feel that I am speaking for a large majority of the class in lodging my complaint. Maybe I should start a petition or something to formalize it. Yeah. Vive le Democracy.

The teacher’s response:
Your objections are noted. You should see the book we used to use…!

Don’t We Have Anything Better To Do?*

December 17th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in bad puns, hilarity, other rants, those were the days

Feb. 15, 1994

Today 350 reporters were camped out in Sarasota, FL. Why? What event could be so newsworthy that required 350 reporters – the size of a small town population – to cover it adequately? A typhoon? UFO? Another sighting of the Virgin Mary? No, none of those, although there is a certain religious fervor to the whole thing. Actually, what happened was Michael Jordan practiced baseball.

Baseball, like basketball, is a sport. We enjoy sports in our leisure time. But the problem is that major league, even college, sports have moved beyond being just a fun way to relax. They’ve become multi-zillion dollar obsessions. People in America know more about their favorite athletes than they do about geography or other “scholarly” subjects. That scares me. Truthfully, that scares me a lot.

Where are we headed as a society who takes games more seriously than we do politics? I’m wondering what would happen if the Bulls become the “Quad Squad” this year and, on the same night they sweep the series, the President of the United States (god forbid) gets assassinated. I tell you, news rooms across the country would find themselves in the midst of a crisis: which even should get the headline. I’d hope it would be our President, but I’m not so sure it would be. That’s the significance professional sports have gained.

I don’t know how it happened, either. Sure, sports are fun to watch, but isn’t it a bit frightening that athletic superstars make 10 to 40 times more money than the President of our country?!? I mean, sure, all a President has to do is help run a country, but these athletes can hit a ball with a stick! (Take THAT, President Clinton!)

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I’m not a bit surprised that our country’s future is looking a bit dim in certain areas. I wouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised if a year’s salary for a superstar athlete is more than the entire budget for some schools. It’s enough to make a person want to drop out of school to make a nice buck shooting hoops. (I’m not saying no one should dream of doing it, but it’s bad to rely on it only.)

At any rate, I’m just looking forward to the day when I can look up proudly, solute the Commander in Chief, and say, “Just do it, President Jordan!”

*This journal entry has been brought to you by NIKE. ‘Cause NIKE understands that you can’t REALLY play ball without $185 pump up shoes! (But that’s another story!)

Campaign!

December 16th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, oh happy day, those were the days

Another entry from the journal I kept for my AP Poli Sci class when I was 18, and somehow thought I would be involved in politics:

Last month at the 25th anniversary celebration of NARAL,* I was asked to give a speech as the representative of the Teen Advisory Council. The speech went well, which is exciting, but to add to the exhilaration I felt, was the fact that I gave a damn great speech in front of so many important political figures. Among the people who heard me speak were Rep. Mary Flowers, John Cullerton, Dick Simpson, Richard Phelan, Dawn Clark Netsch, Maria Pappas, etc. etc. The best thing about it all was it gave me a chance to find out how to get involved in some campaigns. Maria Pappas even gave me her beeper number!

At any rate, today I followed up on one of my leads and went downtown to work on the Dawn Clark Netsch campaign.** I helped prepare a mailing of 10,000 invitations to a $1000 per plate benefit. I stuffed, sealed, and addressed envelopes. While I was doing this, I talked to other volunteers. They were of all ages and both sexes, and were very friendly. We shared our excitement over the latest “Tribune” poll results: Burris had 30%, Netsch 28%, and Phelan 13%. We were doing it! We were helping to close the gap and push our candidate to victory!

I personally liked doing the work because it allowed me to do several things: a) witness and observe first hand how a campaign works and b) make lots of connections for when I run for office in the future. Most important, though, is the feeling I got that I am partially responsible for helping my candidate; that I do and can make a difference!

Anyway, I’m very excited about this whole thing and can’t wait to go back! My first chance at voting will be coming up soon, and when I punch my vote for Netsch, I’ll feel part of it all!

*National Abortion Rights Action League.
**She was running for governor, and pretty much rocked, but lost by a landslide, which crushed me.

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