Archive for the ‘random’ Category

When I Grow Up

May 19th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, random, those were the days, writing

“There are about a million things I want to be when I grow up,” I wrote in a semi-autobiographical story when I was in fourth or fifth grade. “First of all, I want to be an author, second an advertiser, and third a baseball umpire.”

By the time I mastered grammar and punctuation, I moved on to other professional aspirations. At the age of twelve, I resolved to become a district attorney in order to improve safety in poor neighborhoods. In my bat mitzvah speech, I asked God for a scholarship to nearby Northwestern University so that I could later attend a good law school.

Of course, I wound up going to NYU as an undergrad, then dropping out of Fordham Law School on my third day. Instead, I worked for a year at a government agency. I turned down a 3/4 tuition scholarship to policy school at NYU because I wanted to go to school full-time and instead went to policy school at Columbia while working part-time at a community development financial institution. (“I don’t need math,” I had told my math teacher my junior year of high school, “I’m going to be a lawyer!”) I turned down the opportunity to work at the Ford Foundation in a program associate program and continued to work at that organization after school, then at another CDFI, building an expertise in child care facilities development in affordable housing projects. Just like I always planned!

Then I burned out and started writing. I had some personal essays and policy articles printed in local papers. Off the Beaten (Subway) Track came out in August 2008. I entered a creative writing MFA program a month later. I went back to the nonprofit world, working for the first time at Jewish organizations, first as a grant writer, then as a program officer.

I guess achieving one of my three original goals isn’t bad. Who knows what will happen when I grow up?

I Did It!

May 14th, 2011 by Suzanne | 5 Comments | Filed in random, warm fuzzy

My uber clever two year old nephew Marcus like to clap his hands and exclaim, “I did it!” whenever he accomplishes something, like building a tower with blocks. It is adorable. I had my own “I did it!” moment today, although it was not nearly as adorable.

A few months ago, my friend and I agreed to run a half marathon set on June 5. To prepare, I’ve been training since late February. Every week I do three shorter runs (generally 2 miles, 3-4 miles, 2 miles) and one run that grows by a mile every week. The schedule is set by a trainer at my friend’s YMCA. Every week, I’ve eagerly anticipated the long run, at the same time fearing I could not do it. So far, I’ve been very proud of my ability to keep up.

Today was the ten mile run. I’ve never run double digits before so I was terrified. On the other hand, until a few weeks ago, I’d never run more than 6.5 miles. Not only have I done longer runs, but my speed and recovery time has also increased. I kept that in mind when I work up this morning, although things did not start well.

I began with some runs in the bathroom. Now, if I canceled plans every time I had a digestive mishap, I’d never go anywhere, so I figured I would give it a try even though I had an unfortunate mental image of me shitting my pants around the northwest corner of the park and needing to go another 3 miles like that before I could get home and change. When I arrived at the park, I discovered that there was a 10k race taking place and half of the outer loop (which is shared by pedestrians, bikers, and horse-drawn carriages) was roped off. Plus the racers were going clockwise as opposed to the normal running pattern of counterclockwise. And they didn’t like to stay in the cordoned off area.

I set out, attempting not crash into runners (fortunately, the bikers were not out for some reason). A mile into the run, my GPS watch beeped. The battery was running low. If it died, I’d have no way to track my progress or know exactly when I hit the ten mile mark. I ran forward and hoped for the best.

Somehow, it all worked. I finished my first ten mile run in 96 minutes. The exhilaration was amazing. I could not believe that little asthmatic me could run such a long run. Then, being me, I began worrying about (and being excited for) next week’s run, which is 11 miles. So it goes…

Long Shorts with Pockets, Please

April 27th, 2011 by Suzanne | 5 Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, Damn, evil, fashion Suzanne-style, other rants, random, What is wrong with people?

Dear Women’s Athletic Apparel Manufacturers:

I appreciate that you understand that women should be active and earn your livings by producing clothing to enable us ladies to engage in physical fitness. However, what is wrong with you? Most of you seem to produce clothing for men and women, and of course, the men’s gear is a jillion times better.

First off, almost all shorts made for men have pockets. You seem to understand that men carry shit with them – like keys and ID and money and music machines and maybe even inhalers or tissues – when they run. Guess what? Women need those items too! Especially asthmatic ones! Those little “key pockets” are nice for a key, but otherwise they are fucking bullshit. I need to carry my inhaler with me, just in case. Where shall I put it in your pocketless shorts?

This brings us to the length of shorts. Men’s shorts come in a variety of lengths, from the short running kind to straight legs that extend to their knees. Women’s shorts, on the other hand, come in two sizes: short and even shorter. It’s not just that I look atrocious in these items, although that is bad enough. The bigger problem is that my fat thighs do not appreciate the lack of fabric between them. Chafing. Fucking. Hurts. Sure, I could go out and buy a separate pair of somewhat longer spandex shorts to wear under the running shorts, but why not just make longer shorts? I don’t wear Spandex because I hate having anything too tight on while I am sweating, particularly in my cooter region.

Speaking of tight, why is every damn piece of clothing “semi-fitted?” I like to be able to breathe and let the air cool me down. I don’t need Dry-Fit or Dry-Weave or whatever fabric clinging to my sweaty body. Nor do I love that these “semi-fitted” shirts do not flatter my tummy bulge. I just want something nice and loose. Guess who has that option? Men! Can you please extend me the same courtesy?

Thanks for listening. I suspect that there are a lot of women out there with these issues. If you take up some variety in styles and add pockets, you might make some more money. It’s a win-win situation.

Sincerely,

Suzanne Reisman

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The Lobster Roll and My Soul

April 21st, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Damn, hilarity, Jewishness, random, yummy eats

A few days ago, I looked up which Jewish holidays specifically forbid working. While discovering that there are 13 days impacted by these holidays, I also learned about karet. It seems that breaking certain Jewish laws are so heinous that transgressors are “cut off from the people” and their souls are in mortal danger.

It also turns out that eating leavened products during Passover is one of the things that merit karet. In theory, I am not terribly worried about this, as I am atheistic and not too concerned about God punishing my soul. On the flip side, it strikes me that I am a really terrible Jew for wandering if it would be so terrible to eat a lobster roll over Passover…

Crazies and Writing Bugs

April 13th, 2011 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in bad puns, other rants, random, What is wrong with people?, writing

If blogs were part of a system of protective services, I would be reported for neglect. One thing that surprised me when I entered my MFA program in the fall of 2008 were how many students did not blog. I could not imagine not blogging. It was my daily writing exercise and my brain dump. I often got ideas for longer stories from my posts.

Yet, over two years later, I realize that it is hard to blog and write longer works at the same time. When it takes me almost a whole day to come up with one double-spaced page, it is hard for me to sit down and write a few more paragraphs. Plus, to be honest, nothing really interesting is going on. I run a lot, as I am preparing to participate in a half marathon in June. I also read the newspaper over breakfast and think mean thoughts. (Examples: “If Americans want to live in a third world country, who am I to stop them?” or “I hope the Republican fanatics get their way and ban private health insurance plans from offering abortion coverage so middle-class women will wake up and realize what it is already like for women who need a medical procedure and can’t get one because of money. Then maybe things will change.”) Then I read books about Warsaw in the 1920s and 1930s and compare things to today. It is fascinating to note that illegal abortions were rampant in those days (and that it is easier to get an illegal abortion in Poland today than it is to get a legal one in some places in the US).

I also realized that because many of our elected officials are batty, they probably are also rabid. It is the only logical explanation I can come up with for why so many horrendous policies are being proposed and passed. Rabies! Incidentally, I share my birthday Louis Pasteur, the man who invented the rabies vaccine. He also invented pasteurization. I always thought that was cool, although these days people hate life-saving vaccines and are convinced that pasteurization is unnecessary despite the fact that people used to die all the time from various illnesses and get sick from bacteria in milk. Strange days, I say.

See? Crazy, albeit typical, thoughts. Nothing worth writing about, but I will try and be more attentive to my blog. It’s what got me infected with the writing bug in the first place.

What Every Traveler Needs

March 31st, 2011 by Suzanne | 4 Comments | Filed in hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, random

My friend forwarded me the above photo of products available in German vending machines. As usual, I am saddened by the lack of foresight that US manufacturers display.* I don’t know exactly where this German vending machine was located, but I hope it was in an airport. These are important items for travelers.

Imagine if you were on your way somewhere and after you went through airport security, you realized that you left your travel pussy at home! What would you do? If you were in Germany, you would just buy a new one from the vending machine and be set. What a relief to not have to worry!

On the other hand, the pussy you have at home might be too cumbersome to pack in a carry-on and you worry that your suitcase will get lost with its precious cargo. A travel pussy is perfect! Just like a travel size toothpaste or shampoo, you will have exactly what you need while away. Brilliant.

Granted, my pussy generally goes where I do, so it’s not too much of a problem for me, although there have been many times when I wished I could leave it behind and had no choice but to muddle through. I feel a lot of sympathy for people who are not in the same position and find themselves without a pussy while traveling. This product really fills that hole, you know? I wonder if there are vending machines that might purvey travel dicks to people who need them. If not, I see a market expansion opportunity!

If only Americans were this thoughtful, we probably would have far fewer sex scandals. Since Germans have their travel pussy needs met, as well as those for vibrating penis rings, they have time for better scandals, like whether someone plagiarized his thesis at university or declares that they are excited to use their government position to discriminate against various religious groups. Sure these scandals are certainly less exciting than whether they are caught having affairs with campaign donor’s wives or random people in men’s rooms, but what can you expect from a culture that is so open about the importance of travel pussies?

We should take note and make improvements accordingly. I’ll be calling my elected officials today and I urge you to do so as well. The sooner we act to get travel pussy vending machines set up around this great nation, the sooner, uh, we will have more fun with vending machines.

*Heck, LaGuardia Airport doesn’t even have “feminine product” vending machines.

Shade of Winter

March 27th, 2011 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in fashion Suzanne-style, fun trips, hilarity, random

When I left New York last Friday for my trip to London, it was an unseasonably delightful 70 degrees. While I whiled away my time running under the sun in Hyde Park and eating spotted dick, winter returned to the city. I am not pleased.

However, while I was in London, I also encountered the winter in me. This was not the first time. When I was in fourth grade, I enrolled in a modeling class at my local community center. (Seriously.) Why, as a pudgy girl experiencing the pangs of puberty and resplendent with a face of acne, I thought this was going to be fun is beyond me. It only served to make me feel even shittier about myself. The upside was that at a young age, I learned that my personal color palette was from the “winter” spectrum: jewel colors, bold pinks, black, white, and gray work well with my skin tone. The instructor, a former beauty queen, informed me that I should never, ever wear orange, which was fine by me. Unfortunately, I also needed to stay away from pastels, a pre-adolescent girl’s bestest friend.

Anyway, my friend Mara had had her colors done by a professional color consultant a few years ago and it completely changed how she dressed and looked. We thought it would be fun if I did the same, so she made me an appointment. My status as a winter was confirmed (whew!) and the consultant went a step further to help me with make-up:
It’s all very glamorous, yes? I even tried out different expressions for the photos, trying to channel Tyra’s advice to contestants on America’s Next Top Model to “smeyes” (i.e. – smile with your eyes). Well, Husband said that I look like I am not only wearing lipstick, but “sitting on a rectal probe” in the fuchsia photo. Right.

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

March 2nd, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in random, warm fuzzy

Theodore Geisel’s (aka Dr. Seuss) biography is very interesting. Initially, Mr. Geisel made his living in advertising. He also drew political cartoons during World War II that expressed solidarity with persecuted people both abroad and in America. He turned to writing children’s books the same year that his (first) wife Helen learned that she could not have children.

Dr. Seuss’s stories were not only fanciful, funny, and good starts for literacy. Many of them had powerful messages about social justice. He defended creatures who suffered from discrimination and celebrated the power of the littlest ones when they stood up for what was right. It’s hard not to read this passage from “Yertle the Turtle” and not think about what is happening all across the Middle East today:

That plain little turtle below in the stack,
That plain little turtle whose name was just Mack
Decided he’d taken enough. And he had.
And that plain little lad got a little bit mad
And that plain little Mack did a plain little thing.
He burped!
And his burp shook the throne of the king!

When I was a wee lass, I loved hearing the silly words and looking at the pictures of strange critters in weird landscapes and the chaos that sometimes ensued, whether environmental destruction, home wrecking by a cat in a hat, or a plate of green eggs and ham served with a fox in a box. His efforts fostered a love of books in me, and perhaps also planted a small seed of righteous indignation that has blossomed into a full-time commitment to working for equality and fairness for all. Here or there, I’m so glad that Dr. Seuss is available almost everywhere.

Thanks, Dr. Seuss. I owe you.

Expirations, or Let the Past Be the Past

February 21st, 2011 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in Damn, evil, other rants, random, those were the days

Once again, I have a cold. I took NyQuil a few nights ago to quell the symptoms so I could get some sleep, crucial to a speedy recovery. I noticed that the bottle indicated that it expired in April 2005. I threw out another (unopened) bottle I found in a storage container that expired in 2001. Ditto a box of Immodium AD that saw its useful life end in February 2008.

No matter how hard I try to keep up with the present, it seems that the past exerts itself. In addition to our various old medications, I am surrounded by outdated ideas. Husband and I went to a cheese tasting and class last week. One of our classmates asked the instructor what the difference between pasteurized and raw milk was. I braced myself while she explained that the government liked to make decisions for people that really overreached to promote “safety.”

“See, when you get your dairy from small family farms that you know well, it should be up to you whether to take the risks or not,” she said.

Of course, the vast majority of people in this country are not intimately familiar with farms for a variety of reasons. Further, pasteurization laws were created exactly when most farms were small and family-run. This was no assurance that the food that people received was safe, or even food at all. Even the best intentioned farmers may not have had the knowledge or capacity to ensure that bacteria and other harmful agents did not infect their products. People got sick and died. That doesn’t factor in the farmers who just wanted to make a quick buck. A series of scandals involving milk thickened with other agents that killed people occurred. Food safety laws came into being for a reason. It’s not just the evils of corporate farming that they protect us from. History, conveniently forgotten like my bottles of NyQuil, show us that these laws saved people, particularly children.

Another good lesson that is rotting away is that of unions. It is true that many unions have gotten as powerful and lazy as the industries they counterbalance. However, unions rose out of the same corporate powered atmosphere that we live in today. They gave workers a voice and ensured that people could work in safe conditions and make decent livings. As unions have, overall, lost power in the past two decades, many of those protections have eroded. Now we again have corporations making huge profits while laying people off, claiming that they are good for everyone. We have politicians trying to use armed force to make union members regret standing up for themselves. While we blame government unions for every problem under the sun, the private sector laughs its way to the bank. They can buy all the fresh NyQuil they want.

The rest of us, forgetting our lessons and supporting this race to the bottom, will have to make do with the expired and potentially tainted products that are left over. We need to throw out the bad medicine. It won’t cure our ills.

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Sightings

February 10th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, I love New York, mortification, random, What is wrong with people?

Last night I went to a lit event downtown. My friend participated in the panel of experts, and at the end, we met up. As we put on our hats and gloves, a wan woman approached me.

“Can I ask you a strange question?” she queried. I nodded. “Are you Suzanne Reisman?”

I had no idea who this person was. “Yeah,” I said. She was a little disheveled looking. I hoped she was not some sort of deranged anti-choice activist who read one of the posts I’ve written at BlogHer in the past few weeks about the assault on abortion access.

“I’m Fakeyname McFakerson,” she said.

“Oh, yeah,” I said and smiled.

“I was friends with Dana in school,” she continued.

Oh. I had confused her with another person with the same first name. This was even crazier. My sister is four years younger than me and had not been friends with Fakeyname in about 20 years. How the fuck did she recognize me? I told her that I thought it was remarkable that she recognized me, then felt good about myself. I still look the same after 20 or so years. Go me. I tried to engage her in conversation, asking her what she did and letting her know where my sister lived, but she had zero interest in anything I said and walked away. Strange.

After my encounter, my friend and I went to grab some grub. As we waited to cross the street, I looked at the women standing next to me on the corner. She was African American, lean and tall, had curly grayish hair in a pony tail, and funky glasses. She was Carla from “Top Chef.” I love Carla from “Top Chef.”

“Hey, you’re Carla, right?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she said.

“I think you are great.” Then I said something about how the show would be on 45 minutes and I want to root for her to win but I can’t because everyone I root for gets voted out.

“Definitely don’t root for me then!” she said and smiled. I wished her luck, and then hoped like hell that I did not completely stick my foot in my mouth. She clearly was not watching that night’s episode – what if she had been voted out and couldn’t bear to watch? I didn’t get home in time to watch the show or the recording, so I am curious to find out when I view it tonight if I created a situation as awkward as the one I found myself in with Fakeyname McFakerson.

This is one of the many things I love about living in New York. I never know who I will see as I go about my business.

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