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Greed

August 31st, 2010 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in random

Husband bought a new car last week. He had been commuting an hour each way in a red PT Cruiser for the last four years. While there was nothing technically wrong with Fred the Red, and for a while his zippy style made up for what he lacked in comfort and pick up, Husband wanted a more comfortable ride to work. And also better traction for the winter.

The new car is a gray Audi A4. It is named Augustus Gloop. I suggested Augustus because I thought Augustus the Audi was funny, but more importantly, it is a reminder about greed. People who want too much might fall into a chocolate river and get stuck in a pipe. I’m not actually too worried about Husband suddenly becoming Gordon Gekko, as he admitted that he was sad that he was now driving the same boring albeit fancy car as every other person who works in finance.

We always wanted to put on a flame decal when we had Fred, but never got around to it. Maybe we can get some car magnets and detail Augustus. I want to make the Oompa Loompas proud.

Best Spam Comment in a Few Months

August 13th, 2010 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in I am a bad person sometimes, hilarity, random

In a post about abortion access, the following spam comment appeared:

“Also, if you are/have experienced diarrhea as an early pregnancy symptom, how early in the pregnancy did you experience it???”

Perhaps it is a sign that I have had a challenging week, but I find this hilarious.

The Light Brown Flake Mystery

August 10th, 2010 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in fuck, random

There are mysterious little brown things on my floor. (No, they are not Tycho the rabbit’s turds. Those are also on the floor, but they are dark brown and not mysterious – they are annoying.) The little brown things on my floor are light brown flakes.

I thought the first ones that I noticed smelled like peanut butter, but the ones I inspected today are scentless. If I were an excellent lady sleuth, I might compare the chipped spots on the floor to the flakes that are near them. However, I am too lazy to do so. Instead I will sigh.

BlogHer10 and the Mystery of the Bathroom

August 7th, 2010 by Suzanne | 5 Comments | Filed in What is wrong with people?, random

In the hallway of the two floors hosting most of the BlogHer10 conference are four bathrooms. Two are women’s rooms, one is a men’s room, and the fourth is a men’s room that has been converted into a women’s room. The sign perpendicular to the wall that said MEN is covered by an official-looking sign that says WOMEN. It has the international sign for women, the stick figure with the triangle skirt. There is a piece of paper taped on the door that says WOMEN.
women's room
The urinals are hidden behind a curtain, which cracks me up. (Maren quipped, “Ignore the man behind the curtain,” which made me laugh even harder.)
urinal
It is obviously a bathroom that has been set aside for women. Yet the lines in the two non-converted women’s rooms are long, and there is never a wait in the converted women’s room. What gives?

I’ve pondered the insanity of gendered bathroom politics before, but usually it involved people not wanting to share a public bathroom with a member of the opposite sex. It did not occur to me that women are so ingrained to not want to use public bathrooms that men use that we would rather stand in line in a women’s women’s room than breeze in and out of a women’s room that used to be a men’s room. I suppose there is a sacredness or safety of being a “female only” space, however “female” is defined. This is very strange to me, but I also sort of understand.

When I was a wee lass, I believed that the girls bathroom offered some sort of magical protection from boys. If I wanted to get away from them, all I had to do was slip behind the door marked GIRLS and I would be free from boys and their cooties. It took me a long time to realize that this sense of security was false. If someone was really intent on doing me harm, he would not stop at a door indicating that this was only for females. In fact, a few months ago, a woman was sexually assaulted in a bar in Manhattan while she used the women’s room.

I’m probably over analyzing this (although part of me wants to go even further and take the lack of comfort over a bathroom sex change and apply it to people), but it does strike me as worthy of discussion. Then again, I’m also the person who hates when single bathrooms are marked “men” and “women,” and I’ll just use whichever room is empty. Why wait?

A Shout Out and A Jeer

July 18th, 2010 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in Damn, mortification, oh happy day, random

Many thanks to the amazing (and brave) doctors featured in the New York Times Magazine cover story, “The New Abortion Providers.” I am forever grateful to them for providing this crucial, life-supporting service to women in need. I hope that I will never have to receive this care from them, but it makes me feel better knowing that they are out there just in case. If only more women (33% of American woman live in counties with no abortion provider) also had the comfort.

Also, thanks to the NYT Magazine for printing the first story about abortion that I’ve been able to read in years without wanting to run away to a cave to separate myself from the miserable wretches who make up a part of this teeming mass of “humanity,” a misnomer if there ever was one. The doctors were all portrayed as people with a full range of emotions and motivations, and half the article was not spent letting anti-abortion terrorists defend their practices of harassing doctors and their families as “pro-life” activities. Too many articles are too cowardly to present the situation in this light.

However many warm fuzzies I extend, I also want to note a cold prickly that the Obama administration has sent to women with pre-existing medical conditions: their health insurance has the right to deny abortion coverage to them. How does this work? Say you get pregnant. Then you find out you have cancer. In order to get chemo, you need to terminate your pregnancy. Your health insurance can tell you to fuck off on the abortion since it was a pre-existing condition. Here’s what the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice says about it:

This policy means that women who are part of these pools because they have significant health problems, such as diabetes or cancer, will not be able to access abortion care, even if their health is at further risk. The coverage will only be allowed in cases of rape, incest or danger to the woman’s life, according to a press statement from the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). We know that true comprehensive health care must provide the full range of reproductive health services, including abortion.

Those who are as repulsed by this as I am can sign a petition put together by NARAL Pro-Choice America. Planned Parenthood also has a petition. I’m happy that more doctors are working with women to make reproductive rights a reality, but it won’t mean anything if women can’t afford to access their services.

34th Birthday Bubbles

July 17th, 2010 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in family, hilarity, nerds, oh happy day, random

Husband celebrates his 34th birthday today, although I keep getting confused and thinking that he is now 35. That is because Steph turned 35 in June, and it made me forget that my 35th birthday is not until December, not to mention that I was confused last year and thought it was my 35th birthday and it was really my 34th. I was going to order him a cake that said “Happy 35th Birthday, Husband” and then pretend I didn’t know it was his 34th birthday because I thought that would be funny. It would have worked as I am obviously screwing these things up constantly, but I chickened out and went with 34th. Anyway, I digress. The point is that today is Husband’s 34th birthday.

Yesterday I told my co-worker about Husband’s birthday plans. “We are going to see a bubble show.”

“A bubble show? You mean a burlesque show?” she asked.

“Don’t be silly! Husband is a grown man, but we are seeing a show with bubbles. You know, the kind made out of soapy water?” I pulled up the website for Gazillion Bubble Show and we gazed at the pictures of bubbles and laser lights. “We are going with our friends and their two kids.”

“That seems cool,” my co-worker said.

“Yeah, Husband could also have had a birthday party there, except he said that was for rich kids.”

Happy 35th 34th birthday, Husband!

iPorn

July 14th, 2010 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, What is wrong with people?, hilarity, mortification, random

Husband desires an iPad. He’s visited the Apple Store near our apartment a few times to play round with the gadget, and yesterday he mozied over to the Apple Store near his office. As he handled the machine, though, he was horrified to discover that the previous user left open multiple windows. Each one was an explicit porn site. The store was full of kids.

“I frantically shut down all the windows and hoped that no one would notice me,” he told me last night. “I wanted to yell, ‘No, it’s not me! I didn’t look at porn in an Apple Store fill of children! Really!’”

Then he noticed that three YouTube videos were open. Each one had a message that it had been removed from the site due to inappropriate content. He turned red again and flailed his arms. “It’s not me! I’m not the porn addict! I swear!”

I’m a tech weenie, so it never occurred to me that people would use the device for sexual gratification in a public place. Then again, my mother-in-law is a children’s librarian, and she finds people wanking off in the library’s computer lab all the time. People!

Cheers to Blogging and Shameless Self-Promotion

July 13th, 2010 by Suzanne | 6 Comments | Filed in Off the (Beaten) Subway Track, random, writing

Almost five years ago, I began blogging at CUSS. In that time, I also wrote for BlogHer (still do), Just Cause, Political Voices for Women, and The Panelist, plus personal side blogging projects, Theo Is America’s Next Top Model and my yogurt blog which had a good title that I can’t think of at the moment. (As part of my job, I sometimes also write for jspot.) While I could not maintain more than two regular writing sites, I found myself reflecting yesterday on how much I still enjoy writing on a blog. It juices me, and I think it makes me a better writer because these little posts let me play around with my ideas.

Because I like blogging so much, I’m jazzed to be part of a panel on how blogging can improve your writing at the BlogHer conference. Many people in my MFA program pooh-poohed blogging, but that is because they are snobs who believe that only people with their super literary tastes deserve to even read, let alone share their ideas and stories. I like that blogging not only jogs my writing, but also gives me a window into other people’s stories.

The panel is on Saturday, Aug. 7 at 10:45 am (I think). After it, I’ll be signing copies of my book about unusual things to see and do in NYC, Off the Beaten (Subway) Track. I didn’t write or publish my book as a result of blogging, but I did get a small (but very valued) audience as a result. Without blogging I also would not have the conference as a platform to sell my book, either. Blogging is great for writing.

The Secret Underwear

July 12th, 2010 by Suzanne | 7 Comments | Filed in Damn, hilarity, random, those were the days

At NYU, I was friends with a woman who had issues about purity. She insisted that she could only wear white underwear and sleep on white sheets. Colored linens and underthings were scandalous, Mary explained. She didn’t mind if other people wore them, though, since she didn’t care if they were trashy whores.

Mary lived with my friends Madison and Dr. P. One night Mary arrived home rather late. Madison and Dr. P, sinners that they were, had already gone to sleep so that they would be fresh for their classes the next day. When Mary turned on her desk lamp, it shone directly in Madison’s face, waking her up. She was very surprised to observe Mary stuffing a lacy black bra and matching underpants into her desk drawer. Maybe it was just shadows or her sleepy, slutty eyes playing tricks on her? She mentioned something to Dr. P the next day, and they chuckled, but forgot about it.

Not long after that, Mary had a meltdown while Dr. P and Madison were studying. She accused Madison of breathing too hard, which she said distracted her from her own work. Dr. P and Madison were puzzled. This enraged Mary further. “Damn it, I admit it!” she yelled. “I do not wear all white underwear! And I dye my hair blond!”

This was an early lesson for me: the people who yell loudest about purity and “values” are usually the people most guilty about not following their own moral guidelines. Also, they may be unstable, so it is best not breathe too loudly in their presence.

Shy Giggle

July 1st, 2010 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, random

At a meeting today, I mentioned that tomorrow is my 10th wedding anniversary. One of my co-workers squinted at me and asked how that was possible.

“Oh, I got married young for New York,” I said. “I was only 24.”

“Really? I thought you are currently only a year or two out of college,” she said.

Music to my ears. Incidentally, several people at work also said they are glad I am feeling better and no longer look like a corpse.

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