Archive for the ‘I love New York’ Category

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Plagues

April 17th, 2011 by Suzanne | 4 Comments | Filed in Damn, evil, fuck, hilarity, I love New York, Jewishness, mortification

Passover begins Monday night at sundown. During Passover, Jews celebrate our liberation from slavery in Egypt. Last year, I wrote about how my family observed Passover when I was growing up, and I spent some time exploring the ten plagues: (blood; frogs and lice; flies and dead livestock; boils and hail; locusts and darkness; and the death of the first born. After the tenth plague, Pharaoh more or less really let the Jews free, except that he changed his mind, had his troops chase them to the Red Sea, and they wound up drowning.

Today, however, two plagues seem to have struck my home. First, I broke out in an insane heat rash a few days ago. The itchiness is killing me. I’ve been using generic Benadryl, which helps, and smearing cortisone cream over my body as though it were sunscreen. While I’ll gladly take the rash over lice and/or boils, it is still really unpleasant. Nothing but cold showers for me in the foreseeable future. Ugh.

Then Husband and I were visited by the six-legged plague of many a New York apartment, and I am not talking about locusts or flies. As I rubbed cortisone onto my back, I heard Husband scream, then seem to stumble. I ran out of the bathroom and found him pressing his shoe into the ground? “Did you trip? Are you OK?” I asked. “No, there’s a roach!” he yelled. A ginormous waterbug had run across the hallway. “Get a paper towel!”

The problem with one roach is that there is never one roach. We sprayed raid, I spread more Maxforce gel, and replaced old bait stations with new ones. Then I scratched my itchy skin a lot. We didn’t have to wait long. Husband yelled and I smashed the vile critter with an empty Kleenex box.

Whatever I need to do, I will do it. Just end these plagues and don’t send more my way!

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St. Patrick’s Day and the Anti-Choice Snakes

March 17th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, I love New York, other rants

When St. Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland, they came to the US (or some stayed in Ireland) as anti-choice legislators. Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by sponsoring me as I raise money to help women access abortion services denied to them by the anti-choice snakes. Even as little as $10 – the cost of a few beers – helps. If you live in NYC or will be here on April 17, you can also join the team. The money we raise will support the New York Abortion Access Fund, which offered $50,000 last year to women who needed abortions but could not afford them. (This is up from $7,000 in 2007, thanks to the failing economy, the horrendous reproductive anti-health policies of the snakes, and other factors.)

Bowling and other fundraising events are taking place across the country in April, so non-New Yorkers can support their local abortion funds, too.

When I visited my cousin in Dublin last September, I did not have a chance to see St. Patrick’s well. (It is adjacent to the Anglican St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Incidentally, Anglicans do not have an official position on abortion). If I had, I would have taken a moment to hope that St. Patrick could perform his miracle again and drive the anti-choice snakes out of women’s lives.

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Sales

February 18th, 2011 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, Damn, evil, fashion Suzanne-style, hilarity, I love New York, mortification

All week long, I looked forward to running in the park today. My plan was to push myself a bit and do a 10K. I did two short runs at my parents’ house on their treadmill earlier in the week and a strength training session on Wednesday morning. My muscles were ready. I was psyched.

Then my throat started hurting around 4 pm on Wednesday. I wondered if it was because I was watching “Jersey Shore” and making me sick, but then I remembered that my mom had a sore throat on Tuesday and my sister had a cold over the weekend. I was sick. I hoped if I kept it quiet on Thursday (which was another day that would have been perfect to run) I’d feel better by today. Not so.

I woke up miserable. I moped around the apartment cursing the gods for inflicting me. I knew that I would wind up eating approximately 14 pounds of pretzel M&Ms if I stayed in all day. My mobile phone alerted me to a text message. My friend wanted to know if I would face off against the bridezillas at the annual Filene’s Basement bridal dress sale with her. I accepted. There’s nothing like a sale on items I absolutely do not need to cheer me up.

We met at 11:30, as she heard that the mob dies down by 10. It was still crowded and dresses were flung about everywhere. These shoppers made wild packs of dogs look calm. I don’t think more than two women in the store said excuse me as they shoved past me in the aisles. Women came in teams, with brides wearing t-shirts that read “BRIDE” in puffy paint and her friends in coordinating colors or hats or scarves. Women also ran around in their various special gown undergarments, as fitting rooms were not available. Brutal! My friend did not find anything, unfortunately.

On my way home from the Running of the Brides (I think that is the official name of the event, as Filene’s was selling t-shirts that said “I survived the Running of the Brides at Filene’s Basement”), I noticed a sale rack outside the Super Runners Shop. I managed to get a pair of Brooks worth $130 for $39.99, so that made me partly happy. It also frustrated me because I wanted to use them right away. Ce la vie.

My last sale score was a pair of running pants with zippered pockets. They were 20% off. I would have bought them full price, though, because I have noticed that women’s running pants no longer come with pockets. This makes it difficult for me to carry my inhaler, which is pretty essential to my ability to stay alive if something goes wrong.

Then I came home and found out that the House of “Representatives” passed a bill defunding Planned Parenthood’s cervical screening, STI treatment, and pre-natal care programs, along with the community development fund and public housing capital fund. To celebrate our descent into a third world country, I ate approximately 14 pounds of pretzel M&Ms.

Rush Hour

February 14th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Damn, family, fun trips, hilarity, I love New York, What is wrong with people?

I went with my sister and father to Costco on Sunday morning.  Dana wanted to fill her car with gas before driving back to Iowa, and my mom suggested that she stock up on diapers as long as we were there.  We finished getting gas at 9:53 am, but the store did not open until 10:00.

We pulled into the lot, expecting to be the first people there.  To our surprise the lot was a quarter full.  At least two dozen people lined up at the door.  “Damn,” I said.  “You’d think there was some sort of doorbusters sale going on.”  We stayed in the car and watched people streaming from the lot in all directions.

The doors opened and the growing crowd surged forward.  My dad sprang out of the car.  “Hurry,” he said.  “It’s open!”  I guess this is rush hour in north suburban Chicago. 

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Sightings

February 10th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, I love New York, mortification, random, What is wrong with people?

Last night I went to a lit event downtown. My friend participated in the panel of experts, and at the end, we met up. As we put on our hats and gloves, a wan woman approached me.

“Can I ask you a strange question?” she queried. I nodded. “Are you Suzanne Reisman?”

I had no idea who this person was. “Yeah,” I said. She was a little disheveled looking. I hoped she was not some sort of deranged anti-choice activist who read one of the posts I’ve written at BlogHer in the past few weeks about the assault on abortion access.

“I’m Fakeyname McFakerson,” she said.

“Oh, yeah,” I said and smiled.

“I was friends with Dana in school,” she continued.

Oh. I had confused her with another person with the same first name. This was even crazier. My sister is four years younger than me and had not been friends with Fakeyname in about 20 years. How the fuck did she recognize me? I told her that I thought it was remarkable that she recognized me, then felt good about myself. I still look the same after 20 or so years. Go me. I tried to engage her in conversation, asking her what she did and letting her know where my sister lived, but she had zero interest in anything I said and walked away. Strange.

After my encounter, my friend and I went to grab some grub. As we waited to cross the street, I looked at the women standing next to me on the corner. She was African American, lean and tall, had curly grayish hair in a pony tail, and funky glasses. She was Carla from “Top Chef.” I love Carla from “Top Chef.”

“Hey, you’re Carla, right?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she said.

“I think you are great.” Then I said something about how the show would be on 45 minutes and I want to root for her to win but I can’t because everyone I root for gets voted out.

“Definitely don’t root for me then!” she said and smiled. I wished her luck, and then hoped like hell that I did not completely stick my foot in my mouth. She clearly was not watching that night’s episode – what if she had been voted out and couldn’t bear to watch? I didn’t get home in time to watch the show or the recording, so I am curious to find out when I view it tonight if I created a situation as awkward as the one I found myself in with Fakeyname McFakerson.

This is one of the many things I love about living in New York. I never know who I will see as I go about my business.

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Snowman, Take Two

January 27th, 2011 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in I love New York, oh happy day

I took this picture on a miserable day in March two years ago. I reran it on a miserable day in February last year. Now it makes its debut for 2011 in January. (I’m thinking that next year it will be December based on trends, although if I had been in NYC during the late December blizzard, I suppose it would have shown up already.)

On the day I snapped this picture, I was leaving my apartment for work. I was already in a foul mood for a variety of reasons, but the car with the tiny snowman on top made me stop in my tracks and smile. It was parked directly in front of my building and I could see through the glass paneled doors before I stepped outside. It was just what I needed to get going.

I reposted it today because it still makes me smile. We had about 11 inches of snow overnight, which is a lot of snow for New York City to deal with. I know that my Chicago-area hometown would maybe find it not such a big deal, but generally New York has a milder winter. So while I grew up with lots of snow, coping with it in New York is actually a lot harder. Sometimes, though, I think it is worse here when the snow all melts than when it is just mountains of snow to climb over in order to cross the street or board a bus. The puddles and slush are often deceptive on the street, so they look shallow but when I put my foot down, it is engulfed in cold wetness up to my ankle.

For now, I’ll not think about the snow and it’s aftermath or how this is going to blow a hole in our already tenuous city budget, leading to cuts in other services down the line. (I know that in the US, cities are supposed to clean up snow at all costs, but Husband went to Helsinki a few years ago, and was amazed to find that everyone just walked – in regular dress shoes – on piles of snow because cleaning the snow all the time was not cost efficient. They were just used to it and accepted it. I believe in Denmark people ride their bikes through snow in winter. Hearty people, I tell you!) Instead, I will look at this cute little snowman and smile.

Opinions

January 26th, 2011 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in Asshole idiots, Damn, hilarity, I love New York, other rants

Yesterday I participated in a one hour market research forum in which I provided my opinion on the websites of different toning shoes (like FitFlop, MBT, and Reebok Easytone). For this service, I was compensated $100. It may have been the easiest $100 per hour gig I will ever have. It also made me wonder why people won’t pay me to share my opinion on other, more important topics.*

I have lots of opinions. The front page alone of this morning’s The New York Times is an indication of all of the opinions I have:

  • Obama Calls for Bipartisan Effort to Fight for U.S. Jobs (the print title, though, is “Obama Proposing Bipartisan Effort to Win the Future”): If anyone thinks this can be done by giving tax cuts to corporations, they are smoking crack. Large companies today are more profitable than ever and they got that way by taking their tax cuts and laying off workers. The people who are left do the jobs of multiple people for no increase in pay. What else are they going to do? Last time I checked my history books, the Robber Baron Age of no regulation (well, except regulations that favored businesses abusing workers) sucked for the vast majority of people. Actually, I didn’t even have to check my history books to learn this. I lived it through the “W.” era. Make it go away!
  • New York State Takes Control of Nassau’s Finances: Me to Husband: Did you see that NYS is taking over Nassau County’s finances? Like they even have control of their own?!?!?! Husband: It’s a special independent body. Me: Then it should take over New York State’s finances, too.
  • Evidence Is Elusive on Charge of a Blizzard Slowdown: I missed the Dec. 26-27 blizzard while I was in Istanbul, but I heard all the horror stories. My friend told me that public buses got stuck in the middle of Canal Street, a busy road through Chinatown leading to the Manhattan Bridge, and were abandoned. Ambulances also got stuck on unplowed side streets and were left behind. It was a mess. It was a mess for a variety of reasons, one being that the entire senior staff in the mayor’s office was on vacation and not paying attention. However, a Tea Party-supported Councilman claimed that it was due to unions. See, the unions, to punish the mayor for budget cuts, decided not to plow streets, according to this theory. The councilman said that some unnamed union members came to his office to tell him this. The Mayor’s Office said they would look into it, but didn’t exactly dispel the rumors because it got the heat off them. Then the Brooklyn DA’s office decided to investigate. So now we are spending money investigating one dude’s claim even after he refused to give more info about his mysterious visitors. I was suspicious and pissed. Everything these days is blame public workers, it’s all their fault. Yep, it’s their fault that the average public employee is equally qualified and educated as private sector employees but paid at least 4% less than a private sector employee doing the same job. But anyway, of course it turns out that this councilmember made the whole thing up and is now trying to change his story to make it more plausible.
  • Financial Crisis Was Avoidable, Inquiry Finds: “A Congressional inquiry said bankers and regulators could have seen the 2008 crisis coming and stopped it.” NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.

Based on my little sampling of today’s news stories and my commentary, I don’t understand at all why no one would pay me for my opinions on things other than consumer goods. (Eye roll.) Seriously, though, am I any less qualified than half of the talking heads on TV? No siree. My resume is ready for whoever is interested.

*Although to some extent that is what I do at BlogHer, although I only wish it was $100 per hour.

Retail

January 16th, 2011 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, Damn, I love New York, other rants, random

Generally, I like mom-and-pop stores. Small businesses can be great. They generally are rooted in the community and provide decent livelihoods for a range of people. Certainly they are hard to run. Whenever chain stores come into a neighborhood, there tends to be a lot of hand wringing about what will happen to the small businesses that were already there.

In some cases, a big chain store can boost business for little shops. People rant and rave about Starbucks, but it turns out that in many places, Starbucks created a coffee culture that enabled new small coffee shops to open and thrive. In New York City, Starbucks provided an important resource: public bathrooms. Small shops don’t necessarily have them, and knowing that a Starbucks or other chain is nearby enables me to stay out more without worrying that I might pee my pants.

Barnes & Noble is another great example of a chain that makes people go apoplectic. Did Barnes & Noble cause the demise of the independent book store or by welcoming people as browsers did it help increase an appetite for reading? I don’t know. However, I do know that the super big Barnes & Noble near my apartment is closed and it is missed. When the store closed, the employees posted a typed statement inside the window saying that after 15 years in that location, they will miss the community. When I walked by the empty store on Thursday night, I noticed that someone had written a note back, saying how much they will miss the store and the knowledgeable staff. Someone else added a comment after that. Then someone else. By the time I passed it again on Sat. afternoon, many people had written about their sadness and at least one more page was taped up.

I also passed by the Lucky Brand jeans store on Sat. I was crushed when I noticed that the 50% sale was not the biannual sale, but a closing the store sale. I went inside. Multiple customers commented to staff how much the shop would be missed. I felt the same way. Sure, the merchandise is grossly overpriced, but the sales are great and their jeans fit me better than any others. Having one down the street was convenient, even though I did not go often. I also worried about the staff’s jobs, and I was not the only one. A few people asked staff if they’d be transferred to other stores.

On the other hand, I went to a local shoe store on Wednesday to obtain some warm winter boots. Before I went out, I looked online to see what I wanted and decided on furry FitFlops. At the store, I picked up a gray boot and was excited to find it on sale. The sales guy asked me what color I wanted, and I said I didn’t care. Gray was fine, but whatever was available in my size was great. He came back with a pair in black, explaining that the gray ones were harder to reach although they had them in my size. I found that odd, but I will always wear black, so I tried them on. They fit. I went to the counter to pay and was shocked to find them not on sale. “Oh, only the gray ones are on sale,” the cashier said. Right. I was pissed. “Yeah, then I’ll take the gray ones.” The sales guy disappeared for a second and suddenly the hard-to-reach, cheaper shoes materialized. The more I think about it, the more pissed I am about this unethical bait-and-switch.

I’m just glad that I live in a neighborhood that has a range of retail options. Thriving communities have a mix of big and small, good and bad, and affordable and expensive. If only I could more on the “affordable” end in this area, it would be perfect.

Good Bye, “Off the Beaten (Subway) Track”?

January 6th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Damn, I love New York, Off the (Beaten) Subway Track

The sales dude at the publishing house says it is not out of print. So that’s good…

If, by any chance, you or anyone you know would love a hard copy of Off the Beaten (Subway) Track, my book about unusual things to see and do in New York City, get it while you can. (The link is to Barnes & Noble, which still has some copies in stores. Borders does as well, and some museum gift shops may also.) Why the rush? I checked it on Amazon yesterday to see how sales were going (as I often do) and noticed that they no longer had any in stock. In the past when they were out, a notice appeared saying that more were coming soon. This time, it says you can order it for Kindle or from other sellers. The other sellers with new copies were charging over $100.

Fuck, I thought. It’s out of print. On the other hand, I guess it says something that it sold out of all copies in about two years. Not that I knew how many copies were printed in the first place. (The original publisher said they had no idea how many copies they printed. I suspect this is part of why they are out of business and had to sell the undetermined quantity to my new publisher.) Still, it had to be more than 2,000 based on my royalty statements. Which I haven’t received in over six months. Sigh.

When I saw my awesome lit agent friend at a reading last night, I asked her what she thought. She said that it was either out of print or nearly so. When she took a look at my contract, she also told me that I was in a no man’s land, as there was nothing about what happened to the rights of the book when it went out of print or if something available solely on Kindle is even considered to still be in print. I want(ed) to cry.

So, the cheesy sales pitch: Want to read a mostly funny, sometimes poignant account of the places I went and people I met while visiting 100 off the beaten track or unusual sites in New York City? Sure you do! Sixteen glowing reviews on Amazon (and one negative review that is actually a positive review, “…the book doesn’t really lay out general information and most of the attractions in the book are very odd” – yes, that is exactly what it said it will be about, so thank you for verifying it did) can’t be wrong! Buy your copy at a fine bookstore near you today! Don’t delay or the subway will pull out of the station without you!

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What I Want to Do When I Grow Up Any Day Now

December 2nd, 2010 by Suzanne | 5 Comments | Filed in fun trips, hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, I love New York, random

My flight home from Chicago last night was packed. This did not stop the guy sitting in the seat next to me from putting two bags and his coat in the overhead bin. I posted my displeasure with his actions on Facebook, then wondered what he would do if he knew. “Of course he won’t know – he’s a stranger!” I reminded myself. Then we chatted for the next two hours.

He asked me what I did and what Husband did. I said that I worked part-time as a grant writer, taught a financial management class for child care center directors, and did some consulting. “I am also writing a book,” I told him.

“So you live off your husband,” he commented. The guy is Israeli, so I was not totally surprised at his brusqueness, but I was still horrified. In fact, this is exactly my worst fear. I don’t want to be a mooch or thought of as a mooch. I may not work at a conventional job with conventional hours or make fistfuls of dollars, but I work, dammit. I worry that people will think I’m a spoiled housewife. Why do I feel so insecure about it? It drives me nuts. Work means so much to me. I wish I was not so ambitious. That’s probably why I get so upset if I think that people perceive me as a loser. Ugh.

As I also reported on Facebook, the guy seemed very concerned that all of my anxiety (of which people like him cause with their stupid commentary) causes my insomnia. He suggested that I begin smoking weed, which is about as horrifying to me as the idea of being a spoiled housewife. He was very earnest, though. (When I later relayed the guy’s advice to Husband, who himself was drunk after a work event, he suggested that I not speak to people in coach. Hilarious.)

At the end of the flight, my seatmate asked for my card. When he looked at it, he said he would friend me on Facebook. Figures.

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