Archive for the ‘I am a bad person sometimes’ Category

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What I Want to Do When I Grow Up Any Day Now

December 2nd, 2010 by Suzanne | 5 Comments | Filed in fun trips, hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, I love New York, random

My flight home from Chicago last night was packed. This did not stop the guy sitting in the seat next to me from putting two bags and his coat in the overhead bin. I posted my displeasure with his actions on Facebook, then wondered what he would do if he knew. “Of course he won’t know – he’s a stranger!” I reminded myself. Then we chatted for the next two hours.

He asked me what I did and what Husband did. I said that I worked part-time as a grant writer, taught a financial management class for child care center directors, and did some consulting. “I am also writing a book,” I told him.

“So you live off your husband,” he commented. The guy is Israeli, so I was not totally surprised at his brusqueness, but I was still horrified. In fact, this is exactly my worst fear. I don’t want to be a mooch or thought of as a mooch. I may not work at a conventional job with conventional hours or make fistfuls of dollars, but I work, dammit. I worry that people will think I’m a spoiled housewife. Why do I feel so insecure about it? It drives me nuts. Work means so much to me. I wish I was not so ambitious. That’s probably why I get so upset if I think that people perceive me as a loser. Ugh.

As I also reported on Facebook, the guy seemed very concerned that all of my anxiety (of which people like him cause with their stupid commentary) causes my insomnia. He suggested that I begin smoking weed, which is about as horrifying to me as the idea of being a spoiled housewife. He was very earnest, though. (When I later relayed the guy’s advice to Husband, who himself was drunk after a work event, he suggested that I not speak to people in coach. Hilarious.)

At the end of the flight, my seatmate asked for my card. When he looked at it, he said he would friend me on Facebook. Figures.

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More Inappropriate Family Laffs

November 29th, 2010 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in family, fun trips, hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes

Husband and I came to my parents’ house over Thanksgiving weekend to spend time with the family, particularly since my sister and my nephew also came in. Everyone except for me left on Sunday. I remained so that I could spend more time with my grandmothers, interview family members about our family history, and scan family photos. It’s been very productive.

I found this Polaroid at my grandmother’s house today:

My bubbe (my dad’s mother) is sitting on the arm of the couch, my grandmother (my mom’s mother) is next to her, my grandfather (my dad’s father) has his arm around her, and my great grandmother (my mother’s father’s mother) is on the right. I’m the goober in the red shirt in front.

As I studied it this evening, I noticed something odd. I brought it to my mom. “Doesn’t it look like Grandpa is squeezing Grandma’s boob?” I asked her.

“Yeah.” She paused. “That’s probably why he’s smiling so much.”

A Family Gathering

November 27th, 2010 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in family, fun trips, hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes

After a long day of family nuttiness, my mom, Husband, Dana, Ryan, and I gathered in the living room. Somehow we began mocking Husband, insisting that he had a crush on my aunt.

“It makes sense,” I said. “He likes crabby, bossy women.”

“Yeah, he wants to do her,” Ryan said.

Husband said nothing. He got up off the couch and went upstairs to use the bathroom.

“Notice that he didn’t deny it,” Dana said. “He can’t lie because he’d turn bright red.”

“He probably is masturbating right now,” Ryan said.

We all laughed and laughed, assuming that he couldn’t hear us (not that he didn’t know we were making fun of him).

The toilet flushed. The sink went on and off. Husband emerged from the bathroom. When he re-entered the living room, he stopped to face us. “You’re out of tissues and lotion,” he announced.

Visiting the Vatican, May 2006

November 11th, 2010 by Suzanne | 4 Comments | Filed in bad puns, fun trips, hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, Jewishness, random, those were the days

The Vatican Museum drove me up the wall. First, it was outrageously expensive – 12 euros!!! This was by far the most expensive museum Dr. P. Dr. H, and I went to in Italy. Second, there were about 954 tour groups there. It was very hard to get around, as large groups would plant themselves in the middle of a room or hall while listening to their guides, and refuse to allow anyone to pass. I was very on edge as it was since I felt like I had entered into the Heart of Darkness. This is not to say that good times were not had. I seriously respect this statue’s pubes and sac: Not even the two-headed Mary Magdalene on the unfinished Michelangelo statue that I saw at the Museo dell’Opera del Santa Maria Fiore in Florence can beat a dickless, handless statue for laughs. (Did they fall off from overuse? This statue could so be used as a warning by some of those groups that think masturbating is a sin.) And the Venus de Milo thought that she had problems…

From the Vatican Museum, we went to St. Peter’s Basilica. The Basilica is built right over the supposed burial spot of St. Peter. Which would make one think that the Vatican might be sensitive to the needs of the persecuted, but this discriminatory sign shows otherwise: No people missing one leg or part of an arm are allowed in! So much for the meek shall inherit the earth and all that.

Inside the Basilica, there are many relics. Here we have John XXII, St. Pius, and St. Josaphat:

St. John XXII is probably one of the worst wax-job corpses ever. He just looked like shit. Granted, having a bad wax head is probable better than a rotted head or no head at all, but still. I did not capture his face, but he also had a ginormous nose. Seeing as us Jews are always being tormented for our schnozes, you’d think that people who venerate a saint with a nose big enough to fit a truck in a nostril might be a bit more sensitive; that’s all I am saying.

St. Pius X’s bod also did not fare well in death. He now has a metal head and hands.

St. Josaphat also is a metal head (ha ha ha, oh I crack myself up…). I so dig the crown. Once my sister had a birthday party at Showbiz Pizza (now turned into Chuck E. Cheese) – which beefed me off to no end because I had previously asked my parents if I could have a party there and they said it was too expensive, but whatever – and they gave her a crown that looked very similar to this.

Man, that was a good trip.

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I Don’t Know Jack about Music

October 25th, 2010 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in I am a bad person sometimes, random, those were the days

From 1972 to 2005, CBS radio in New York City played oldies. In Chicago, WJMK was known as Oldies 104.3, and it was my mother’s favorite radio station. I am also a big fan of rock and pop music from the 1950s to early 1970s, so when I happened to listen to the radio (which tends to be when I am in a car or cleaning the homestead, so not very often in the last 16 years), these were the stations to which my dial was set.

Then the Jack wreaked havoc. My mom turned on the radio one day to discover her beloved oldies station had turned into a station that played hits primarily from the ’70s and ’80s. She was very upset, to say the least, and she was not the only one. In New York, the response was so bad that WCBS returned to oldies programming within two years. Oldies fans in Chicago were not so lucky, although a different station began playing oldies to fill the void.

Although I felt bad for oldies fans, I sort of love Jack radio. I don’t want to. Their promos are stupid, testosterone fueled inanities. I cringe whenever they come on the air. The flip side is that they don’t have stupid, testosterone fueled DJs spewing inanities. So many radio “personalities” are douche bags. The real attraction, though, is the music. As a music loser, I love it because it primarily plays top 40 hits that I happen to know. How can I resist the catchy tunes? The cheesy childhood memories the songs invoke? The joy of belting out “The Boys of Summer” while crunching numbers for my consulting project? (Yes, I stream it on my laptop…)

Yeah, I’m a corporate drone when it comes to music. It’s embarrassing and lame, but it’s the albatross I must bear.

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G’mar Chatima Tova!

September 18th, 2010 by Suzanne | 10 Comments | Filed in hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, Jewishness

Lately I’ve been thinking that I should change the name of this blog to Hok mir ein chainek, which is the Yiddish way of saying “Other Rants.” (As Bubbygram explains, it literally means to “bang on my tea kettle.”) A lot of what I’ve been writing about has more to do with Jewish themes than anything else. Plus, a lot of it is sad. As I’ve been researching my family’s past, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the Holocaust and other things.

Anyway, continuing with the Jewish themes, yesterday I learned that g’mar chatima tova means that you hope that someone will be inscribed in the Book of Life for good. I wish this to many people, although in defiance of the spirit of the holiday, not to anyone who supports right-wing lunatics. I’m not saying that I want someone to do harm to them, but if harm fell upon them, I’d not shed any tears.

Anyway anyway, Friday was my last day at my job at a Jewish social justice nonprofit organization. I will miss many aspects of it. Working in a Jewish organization was exactly what I needed over the past year. It put my research on some context. I could ask knowledgeable people questions about various Jewish practices and traditions, and it was important to also be amidst ongoing Jewish life and culture while I spent so much time thinking about its end in Europe. Some of the people are amongst the best people I’ve ever been privileged to call co-workers. I hope that I will get to work for another Jewish social justice organization at some point.

All of it made me want to go to temple for Yom Kippur this year. There. I admitted it. When I walked by the people streaming out of their synagogues, I felt a weird longing to be amongst them. It was very strange. I did not feel this calling for 20 years, and I didn’t heed it. (I met some friends for lunch at an Indian buffet in Hoboken. Seriously.) Part of me was also not ready. I’m too angry about the Holocaust and the ongoing injustice that people suffer in the world. Maybe I’ll never heed it. It’s just interesting that the desire to perform this ritual suddenly came on so strong.

I don’t rule anything out at this point.

A Laugh from the Archives

August 26th, 2010 by Suzanne | 6 Comments | Filed in family, hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, those were the days

I came across this old post today while I was looking for something else and I cannot stop laughing. Unfortunately, the treasures depicted below were destroyed in a flood a few years ago. Tragedy.

Welcome back to Casa de Padres de Suzanne! For Part 2 of the tour of this fine piece of real estate, we shall visit the bathroom in the basement.

Beginning with what actually belongs in a bathroom, please direct your gaze to the right-hand side of the photo. Isn’t the toilet a lovely shade of peach? I know that the beige lid doesn’t match. Heck, it isn’t even the correct size. (It’s a smidge too large.) After the old one cracked, Sister’s Husband tried to buy a new seat at the flea, but the toilet seat dealer insisted that peach colored seats have not been available for years now. He did the best he could. At least the toilet usually flushes.

I’m not sure what the ginormous red bucket is for, but I suspect it is for when the ceiling leaks. Perhaps my parents would be kind enough to explain its function in the comments section, despite what I believe will be their extreme displeasure with this tour.

Moving the left, up against the wall is a snack table on wheels. I hope it is not down there so that people can enjoy a nice meal while they do their business. On the other hand, I hope it is not brought out of the bathroom to serve food to unsuspecting visitors in other rooms. Ever.

To the front of the snack tray and to the left are two partially broken lawn chairs. Obviously. Everyone stores their lawn furniture in their large second bathroom. I don’t even know why I am pointing it out.

The tool boxes are in front of the lawn chairs. If you are ever in the middle of a shit and need the peen of a hammer to pry it out, you are in luck! If you ever need a hammer while someone is in the bathroom taking a crap, you are literally up shit’s creek. Hopefully, the project can wait. (Perhaps this is why a nail was never driven into the living room wall so that Dennis Franz could be properly framed and hung?)

Another worthwhile object (Husband’s favorite) in the tool bucket is the hedge clipper. Now you know where to go to trim your bushes! (Ha ha ha ha!) Another one of Husband’s interests is the random outdoor lamp that is sitting just behind the enormous broom. And is that another snack table that the tool boxes are pinning to the wall all the way to the left? Why yes, I believe it is. Delicious!

Thanks for joining me on the tour of my parents’ downstairs bathroom. It has many things that a person might need to survive a disaster. Or at least bust out of the room after reclining on lawn chairs and dining off the snack trays. I’m sure that you cannot wait to visit someday!

Vitamin C Kills Unborn Babies! Ban It Now!

August 19th, 2010 by Suzanne | 4 Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, What is wrong with people?

There’s an excellent post over at BlogHer by Catherine Morgan about a new emergency contraceptive. Since it will do good things like help women not become pregnant if they don’t want to, ant-choice groups are protesting its approval. This is nothing new. What is news, though, was a comment left about how vitamin C can act as an abortifacient.

Can you believe that shit? Vitamin C is sold at pharmacies everywhere. Wal-Mart even has this dangerous baby killing weapon. Wal-Mart! They are baby killers, too! The FDA is in close cahoots with feminists, I tell you. Who knew that “alleviating the severity of a cold” was a euphemism for “yes, this will kill the innocent baby developing harmlessly inside your stomach, your cold heartless bitch.”

To put an end to this abomination, I am advocating to ban the sale of Vitamin C to women. Women are are essentially pre-pregnant at all times, and I would not want to do anything to let them control their destinies, like deciding whether or not they should reproduce and when.

Boycott the vitamin C industry and the fascist manhating women who run these businesses! Save the innocent unborn!

Vitamin D Validates My Hatred of Sunscreen

August 15th, 2010 by Suzanne | 6 Comments | Filed in fashion Suzanne-style, I am a bad person sometimes

Earlier this summer, a new study on Vitamin D deficiencies in Americans concluded that we should stop wearing so much sunscreen. After all the proselytizing about the dangers of skin cancer that had rained down on our ears for all these years, many people freaked out. I read the news, yawned, and moved on with my day. OK, maybe I gloated a little bit before I moved on.

I never wear sunscreen. I hate the way it feels on my skin, particularly my face. The lotions and sprays choke my pores and make my sweat greasy. I prefer to wear a ridiculous hat to protect my face and my neck when necessary. Usually I’m not out in a strong enough sun for long enough that the “when necessary” clause is applicable.

Many moons ago, as I discussed my family’s medical history with a doctor, she recommended that I take calcium pills in addition to eating calcium-rich foods. Since calcium is not absorbed without vitamin D, she told me to be sure to get some sunlight. “Just 15 minutes a day is more than enough,” she told me. I don’t always make that minimal amount, especially in winter, but as I walk about the city in my daily activities, it pleases me that my walks have a double bottom line.

Friends pleaded with me or scolded me about my lack of SPF. As a super whitey, I should worry about wrinkles and skin cancer. I agree that if I’m sitting out in the park for hours on end in the sun that I should slather myself up. Some bad burns have reminded me that, yeah, it is necessary to use sunscreen at times. But if I’m just running here and there, in and out of shelters and shade, it seems like overkill.

If I’m wrong, I’ll get skin cancer at worst (which is very bad) or at best be a shriveled, wrinkled prune by the time I’m 40 (at least I might fool people into thinking I’m wise or giving me senior citizen discounts). My bones will be strong, though, because I love my vitamin D and hate sunscreen.

Best Spam Comment in a Few Months

August 13th, 2010 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, random

In a post about abortion access, the following spam comment appeared:

“Also, if you are/have experienced diarrhea as an early pregnancy symptom, how early in the pregnancy did you experience it???”

Perhaps it is a sign that I have had a challenging week, but I find this hilarious.

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