Me: Sigh.
Husband: What?
Me: I’m old.
Husband: What? I thought you said, “Hi mold.”
Me: Well, yeah. There’s mold in the shower, but that’s another story. That’s not what I said.
Husband: Let’s not talk about that. What did you say?
Me: I said I’m old.
Husband: Why do you say that?
Me: Because I get to make decisions about people in my family.
Husband: That’s because you have experience and are mature.
Me: Well, fuck that shit.
Husband: OK, sometimes you are mature…
Archive for the ‘hilarity’ Category
Sunday Afternoon Analysis
June 19th, 2011 by Suzanne | 4 Comments | Filed in hilarity, random
My Family on Anthony Weiner
June 8th, 2011 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in family, hilarityThis is pretty damn close to verbatim what my mom said to me about Rep. Anthony Weiner while we Skyped tonight:
“Did you see the picture of his crotch? I thought I saw a seam. Do you think he unzipped his fly and pulled it out or are his thighs weirdly veiny? Also, he has a nice chest but an ugly face. Do you think he really has that body, or did he stick his head on a picture of someone else?”
This is pretty damn close to verbatim what my dad said while my mom discussed Rep. Anthony Weiner while we Skyped tonight:
“AHHHHHHHH! I’m leaving the room until you start talking about something else!!!!!”
This is verbatim what I said while my mom discussed Rep. Anthony Weiner while we Skyped tonight:
“HAHAHAHAHAHA…”
(Later I ranted about what a fucking fool he was to do that and how pissed I am that he fucked over the Democrats by being a fucking fool.)
Tags: anthony weiner
Testing
June 8th, 2011 by Suzanne | 5 Comments | Filed in family, hilarityLast night, my sister needed to clean up the kitchen, so she set Marcus, her two year old son, down on the couch and turned on the TV. Since he tends to be transfixed by the television, she figured he would not get into trouble while unsupervised. Before she headed into the kitchen (which is right next to their living room), she noticed that he was sitting quietly with his hands shoved down his pants. Typical for a toddler watching TV.
Some time passed before Marcus appeared in the kitchen, holding his hands out. “What’s this, Mama?” he asked using his most innocent voice.
My sister looked at him. His hands were covered with something… brown. “Marcus, is that poo poo?” she asked as calmly as she could.
He smiled. “Yes, Momma! It is poo poo!”
I guess Dana passed his test by recognizing what it was. And people wonder why I don’t want my own kiddies.
Tags: poo poo story
When I Grow Up
May 19th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, random, those were the days, writing“There are about a million things I want to be when I grow up,” I wrote in a semi-autobiographical story when I was in fourth or fifth grade. “First of all, I want to be an author, second an advertiser, and third a baseball umpire.”
By the time I mastered grammar and punctuation, I moved on to other professional aspirations. At the age of twelve, I resolved to become a district attorney in order to improve safety in poor neighborhoods. In my bat mitzvah speech, I asked God for a scholarship to nearby Northwestern University so that I could later attend a good law school.
Of course, I wound up going to NYU as an undergrad, then dropping out of Fordham Law School on my third day. Instead, I worked for a year at a government agency. I turned down a 3/4 tuition scholarship to policy school at NYU because I wanted to go to school full-time and instead went to policy school at Columbia while working part-time at a community development financial institution. (“I don’t need math,” I had told my math teacher my junior year of high school, “I’m going to be a lawyer!”) I turned down the opportunity to work at the Ford Foundation in a program associate program and continued to work at that organization after school, then at another CDFI, building an expertise in child care facilities development in affordable housing projects. Just like I always planned!
Then I burned out and started writing. I had some personal essays and policy articles printed in local papers. Off the Beaten (Subway) Track came out in August 2008. I entered a creative writing MFA program a month later. I went back to the nonprofit world, working for the first time at Jewish organizations, first as a grant writer, then as a program officer.
I guess achieving one of my three original goals isn’t bad. Who knows what will happen when I grow up?
Repenting
April 21st, 2011 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in Damn, evil, fuck, hilarity, I love New York, Jewishness, mortificationThat little joke I made yesterday (but somehow did not publish to my blog until a few minutes ago) about eating lobster rolls over Passover? I am definitely sorry. It was not funny to joke about endangering my soul, although I am not going to lie: I really, really wanted a lobster roll for dinner. (Instead, I ate a crisp bread sandwich of herbed turkey and cheddar – not exactly kosher for Passover, either, I know – and plain microwave popcorn.)
Now that I have semi-repented for my sacrilegious ways, I hope that the plagues will stop raining down on me. Last week I developed an annoying rash which continues to annoy me (the allergist thought it was a mild case of hives). Husband and I were forced to kill to water bugs/roaches on Sunday. This morning the third plague revealed itself.
I swore that I saw something dash from the kitchen pantry under the stove while I made breakfast, but was not sure if it was a shadow, a figment of my imagination, or something small with multiple legs. Regardless, it would not hurt to put out more MaxForce insect killer, I decided. When I opened the pantry door, I was surprised to see shredded parts of a bag of pita chips on the ground.
“That’s odd,” I thought as Maurice the Brain Hamster began running faster on the wheel that powers my brain. “Roaches don’t tear things up…”
Right. As I picked up the bag of pita chips (something that does not belong in my home over Passover anyway), I surprised the little gray mouse nibbling on a chip behind it. We both screamed (OK, I screamed loud enough for both of us), and he/she ran out of the pantry under the stove while I stood in place screaming.
The irony of this Passover plague saga is two-fold. First, if I had cleaned out the chametz, the mouse would not be eating it. I suspect the mouse would starve to death because matzah and other pre-packaged Passover foods are gross. Second, when Husband and I attended a lovely Seder on Monday night, someone shared a story of finding a mouse stuck on a glue trap in her apartment and how awful it was. Of course I thought that I was glad that I never had had to deal with mice. Of course.
I don’t even want to know what comes next.
The Lobster Roll and My Soul
April 21st, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Damn, hilarity, Jewishness, random, yummy eatsA few days ago, I looked up which Jewish holidays specifically forbid working. While discovering that there are 13 days impacted by these holidays, I also learned about karet. It seems that breaking certain Jewish laws are so heinous that transgressors are “cut off from the people” and their souls are in mortal danger.
It also turns out that eating leavened products during Passover is one of the things that merit karet. In theory, I am not terribly worried about this, as I am atheistic and not too concerned about God punishing my soul. On the flip side, it strikes me that I am a really terrible Jew for wandering if it would be so terrible to eat a lobster roll over Passover…
Plagues
April 17th, 2011 by Suzanne | 4 Comments | Filed in Damn, evil, fuck, hilarity, I love New York, Jewishness, mortificationPassover begins Monday night at sundown. During Passover, Jews celebrate our liberation from slavery in Egypt. Last year, I wrote about how my family observed Passover when I was growing up, and I spent some time exploring the ten plagues: (blood; frogs and lice; flies and dead livestock; boils and hail; locusts and darkness; and the death of the first born. After the tenth plague, Pharaoh more or less really let the Jews free, except that he changed his mind, had his troops chase them to the Red Sea, and they wound up drowning.
Today, however, two plagues seem to have struck my home. First, I broke out in an insane heat rash a few days ago. The itchiness is killing me. I’ve been using generic Benadryl, which helps, and smearing cortisone cream over my body as though it were sunscreen. While I’ll gladly take the rash over lice and/or boils, it is still really unpleasant. Nothing but cold showers for me in the foreseeable future. Ugh.
Then Husband and I were visited by the six-legged plague of many a New York apartment, and I am not talking about locusts or flies. As I rubbed cortisone onto my back, I heard Husband scream, then seem to stumble. I ran out of the bathroom and found him pressing his shoe into the ground? “Did you trip? Are you OK?” I asked. “No, there’s a roach!” he yelled. A ginormous waterbug had run across the hallway. “Get a paper towel!”
The problem with one roach is that there is never one roach. We sprayed raid, I spread more Maxforce gel, and replaced old bait stations with new ones. Then I scratched my itchy skin a lot. We didn’t have to wait long. Husband yelled and I smashed the vile critter with an empty Kleenex box.
Whatever I need to do, I will do it. Just end these plagues and don’t send more my way!
Tags: disgusting
What Every Traveler Needs
March 31st, 2011 by Suzanne | 4 Comments | Filed in hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, random
My friend forwarded me the above photo of products available in German vending machines. As usual, I am saddened by the lack of foresight that US manufacturers display.* I don’t know exactly where this German vending machine was located, but I hope it was in an airport. These are important items for travelers.
Imagine if you were on your way somewhere and after you went through airport security, you realized that you left your travel pussy at home! What would you do? If you were in Germany, you would just buy a new one from the vending machine and be set. What a relief to not have to worry!
On the other hand, the pussy you have at home might be too cumbersome to pack in a carry-on and you worry that your suitcase will get lost with its precious cargo. A travel pussy is perfect! Just like a travel size toothpaste or shampoo, you will have exactly what you need while away. Brilliant.
Granted, my pussy generally goes where I do, so it’s not too much of a problem for me, although there have been many times when I wished I could leave it behind and had no choice but to muddle through. I feel a lot of sympathy for people who are not in the same position and find themselves without a pussy while traveling. This product really fills that hole, you know? I wonder if there are vending machines that might purvey travel dicks to people who need them. If not, I see a market expansion opportunity!
If only Americans were this thoughtful, we probably would have far fewer sex scandals. Since Germans have their travel pussy needs met, as well as those for vibrating penis rings, they have time for better scandals, like whether someone plagiarized his thesis at university or declares that they are excited to use their government position to discriminate against various religious groups. Sure these scandals are certainly less exciting than whether they are caught having affairs with campaign donor’s wives or random people in men’s rooms, but what can you expect from a culture that is so open about the importance of travel pussies?
We should take note and make improvements accordingly. I’ll be calling my elected officials today and I urge you to do so as well. The sooner we act to get travel pussy vending machines set up around this great nation, the sooner, uh, we will have more fun with vending machines.
*Heck, LaGuardia Airport doesn’t even have “feminine product” vending machines.
Shade of Winter
March 27th, 2011 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in fashion Suzanne-style, fun trips, hilarity, randomWhen I left New York last Friday for my trip to London, it was an unseasonably delightful 70 degrees. While I whiled away my time running under the sun in Hyde Park and eating spotted dick, winter returned to the city. I am not pleased.
However, while I was in London, I also encountered the winter in me. This was not the first time. When I was in fourth grade, I enrolled in a modeling class at my local community center. (Seriously.) Why, as a pudgy girl experiencing the pangs of puberty and resplendent with a face of acne, I thought this was going to be fun is beyond me. It only served to make me feel even shittier about myself. The upside was that at a young age, I learned that my personal color palette was from the “winter” spectrum: jewel colors, bold pinks, black, white, and gray work well with my skin tone. The instructor, a former beauty queen, informed me that I should never, ever wear orange, which was fine by me. Unfortunately, I also needed to stay away from pastels, a pre-adolescent girl’s bestest friend.
Anyway, my friend Mara had had her colors done by a professional color consultant a few years ago and it completely changed how she dressed and looked. We thought it would be fun if I did the same, so she made me an appointment. My status as a winter was confirmed (whew!) and the consultant went a step further to help me with make-up:
It’s all very glamorous, yes? I even tried out different expressions for the photos, trying to channel Tyra’s advice to contestants on America’s Next Top Model to “smeyes” (i.e. – smile with your eyes). Well, Husband said that I look like I am not only wearing lipstick, but “sitting on a rectal probe” in the fuchsia photo. Right.
A Medical History Museum and Spotted Dick
March 23rd, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in fun trips, hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, oh happy day, yummy eatsThe weather in London has been amazing. It has not rained the entire time I have been here and the sun has been out at least for an hour a day. The temperature is in the mid- to upper 50s. Delightful!
Yesterday I took another walking tour. One of the stops was at the Hunterian Museum. The Hunterian Museum is a medical history museum with tons of deformed specimens in jars of formaldehyde, skeletons, and surgical equipment. It is part of the Royal College of Surgeons. I tried to visit this museum in 2001, the very first time I was in London, but was told that it was not open to the public; to visit, a surgeon had to vouch for you. At the time, I knew no surgeons. I am so pleased that this policy has changed. My absolute favorite type of museum is a medical history museum. In fact, I would love to write a guide book to medical history museums around the world. This seems expensive to research, but I have visited a fair number already.
After my walking tour, I met my friend Mara for lunch. We stopped into Ye Olde Chesire Cheese pub, which was rebuilt in 1667, and super cool, with lots of wood paneling, fireplaces, short doorways, and cave-like rooms. I didn’t want to eat a heavy lunch, so we headed over to Gordon’s Wine Bar, which is another old restaurant with cave-like rooms. Then we went to Mara’s flat and took an afternoon run along the Thames and by Chiswick House. I really, really love running in London. The parks and scenery are gorgeous.
Eventually we headed back into the denser part of the city for dinner. This was taken at the Golden Hinde, a fish and chips place since 1914. I feasted on fried haddock, feta fritters, peas, and Greek salad. I’ve never been one for fried potato products, whether American or British style chips, so I skipped out on that. (I know – who eats fish and chips without the chips?) For dessert, I had that excellent British classic of spotted dick. This is some sort of raisin bread pudding in a bowl of hot custard. Not only is it delicious, but I can make many awful jokes about eating spotted dick and custard. Sort of the perfect end to a perfect day.
Today I am going to run in Hyde Park, eat some sort of fancy yogurt at lunch, and then go on a “Fair Maids, Feminists, and Philanthropists” walking tour. In the evening, though, I need to get back to working on my novel, so I’ll grab something from Marks & Spence Food on the Move and have a working dinner. I’m actually looking forward to that, too.
Tags: london
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