Archive for the ‘hilarity’ Category

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Yep, That’s Why I Love Him

May 3rd, 2012 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity

Husband went to jury duty recently and submitted the following dispatch from voir dire:

Assistant District Attorney (asked to everyone in the jury pool): What is your dream job?

Grumpy Old Guy: something where I could travel for free.

Young Woman with Numerous Visible Tattoos: food writer

Flaming Gay Man in his mid-40s: I know this is weird, but I wish I was a reference librarian. Really, I do.

So I asked him how he replied to the inquiry, and Husband told me, “I said one of those rich and famous people who can buy justice.”

True or not, he was not selected to serve on a jury.

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Awesome Shit My Nephew Says

March 12th, 2012 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in family, hilarity, warm fuzzy

My nephew will be three at the end of April. Here are three awesome things he said within the last month:

(Grasping the string of a mylar balloon with a ratty koala bear hand puppet): Fuzzy Wuzzy is going to fly this balloon to New York to see Tio!
********************************
(Singing) Jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Go, go tomato sandwiches
Bwahahahah (as he throws his hands in the air)
pauses, then looks at me
That was the funny version.
*************************************
My sister: I am so lucky to have you in my life.
My nephew: I am so lucky to have you in my life, too, Mommy.
******************

Austerity Plans

March 5th, 2012 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity

Husband: I’m leaving for the gym. See you later.

Me: Wait. Can I have a kiss before you leave?

Husband: (Exasperated sigh) I gave you one already. I don’t have that many!

Me: Oh, I didn’t realize that austerity plans extended to that arena. No wonder why Europe is so crabby these days.

Classroom Politics

December 18th, 2011 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in hilarity, other rants, those were the days

From the journal I kept for my AP Poli Sci class when I was 18:

Feb. 21, 1994

In this journal entry I am lodging a formal complaint. “A complaint?” you may ask. Yes, a complain. What I want to complain about is the book we are currently being forced to use. I must point out that this book is unconstitutional. The Constitution clearly states that “cruel and unusual punishment” is forbidden. Yet that is exactly what is going on.

This book is the most boring, annoying, evil thin I’ve ever attempted to read. I’ve heard that it is prescribed to insomniacs to put them to sleep. It not only presents the material in the most boring way possible, but also in the most confusing. One second they say class is no factor in British politics, the next second they say it is the most important one. OK. Whatever.

At any rate, I feel that I am speaking for a large majority of the class in lodging my complaint. Maybe I should start a petition or something to formalize it. Yeah. Vive le Democracy.

The teacher’s response:
Your objections are noted. You should see the book we used to use…!

Don’t We Have Anything Better To Do?*

December 17th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in bad puns, hilarity, other rants, those were the days

Feb. 15, 1994

Today 350 reporters were camped out in Sarasota, FL. Why? What event could be so newsworthy that required 350 reporters – the size of a small town population – to cover it adequately? A typhoon? UFO? Another sighting of the Virgin Mary? No, none of those, although there is a certain religious fervor to the whole thing. Actually, what happened was Michael Jordan practiced baseball.

Baseball, like basketball, is a sport. We enjoy sports in our leisure time. But the problem is that major league, even college, sports have moved beyond being just a fun way to relax. They’ve become multi-zillion dollar obsessions. People in America know more about their favorite athletes than they do about geography or other “scholarly” subjects. That scares me. Truthfully, that scares me a lot.

Where are we headed as a society who takes games more seriously than we do politics? I’m wondering what would happen if the Bulls become the “Quad Squad” this year and, on the same night they sweep the series, the President of the United States (god forbid) gets assassinated. I tell you, news rooms across the country would find themselves in the midst of a crisis: which even should get the headline. I’d hope it would be our President, but I’m not so sure it would be. That’s the significance professional sports have gained.

I don’t know how it happened, either. Sure, sports are fun to watch, but isn’t it a bit frightening that athletic superstars make 10 to 40 times more money than the President of our country?!? I mean, sure, all a President has to do is help run a country, but these athletes can hit a ball with a stick! (Take THAT, President Clinton!)

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I’m not a bit surprised that our country’s future is looking a bit dim in certain areas. I wouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised if a year’s salary for a superstar athlete is more than the entire budget for some schools. It’s enough to make a person want to drop out of school to make a nice buck shooting hoops. (I’m not saying no one should dream of doing it, but it’s bad to rely on it only.)

At any rate, I’m just looking forward to the day when I can look up proudly, solute the Commander in Chief, and say, “Just do it, President Jordan!”

*This journal entry has been brought to you by NIKE. ‘Cause NIKE understands that you can’t REALLY play ball without $185 pump up shoes! (But that’s another story!)

Campaign!

December 16th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in hilarity, oh happy day, those were the days

Another entry from the journal I kept for my AP Poli Sci class when I was 18, and somehow thought I would be involved in politics:

Last month at the 25th anniversary celebration of NARAL,* I was asked to give a speech as the representative of the Teen Advisory Council. The speech went well, which is exciting, but to add to the exhilaration I felt, was the fact that I gave a damn great speech in front of so many important political figures. Among the people who heard me speak were Rep. Mary Flowers, John Cullerton, Dick Simpson, Richard Phelan, Dawn Clark Netsch, Maria Pappas, etc. etc. The best thing about it all was it gave me a chance to find out how to get involved in some campaigns. Maria Pappas even gave me her beeper number!

At any rate, today I followed up on one of my leads and went downtown to work on the Dawn Clark Netsch campaign.** I helped prepare a mailing of 10,000 invitations to a $1000 per plate benefit. I stuffed, sealed, and addressed envelopes. While I was doing this, I talked to other volunteers. They were of all ages and both sexes, and were very friendly. We shared our excitement over the latest “Tribune” poll results: Burris had 30%, Netsch 28%, and Phelan 13%. We were doing it! We were helping to close the gap and push our candidate to victory!

I personally liked doing the work because it allowed me to do several things: a) witness and observe first hand how a campaign works and b) make lots of connections for when I run for office in the future. Most important, though, is the feeling I got that I am partially responsible for helping my candidate; that I do and can make a difference!

Anyway, I’m very excited about this whole thing and can’t wait to go back! My first chance at voting will be coming up soon, and when I punch my vote for Netsch, I’ll feel part of it all!

*National Abortion Rights Action League.
**She was running for governor, and pretty much rocked, but lost by a landslide, which crushed me.

Sex Scandals and Other Universal Things

December 15th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in bad puns, hilarity, random

This one was written in the AP Poli Sci journal in green pen. Exciting enough to ignore my lack of knowledge regarding the entire Victorian period…

Feb. 9, 1994

I saw on the news yesterday that the Conservative Party in Britain is once again suffering from a sex scandal. All these cabinet guys are being caught with mistresses and prostitutes. Another big honcho was found dead, wearing only a garter belt and tied to the bed posts with nylon stockings.

For some strange reason, I find this very amusing. I guess you can see the slow change from the tradition in this whole sex thing. It used to be that kings, aristocrats, and other noblemen had mistresses. It was common knowledge. They had “illegitimate” children and had houses built to house their mistresses and children. How times have changed! Now, it is NOT acceptable to fool around. A person could get in pretty hot water – no pun intended – politically. This is a pretty good illustration of how Britain has changed over time.

Truthfully, the whole thing just annoys me to no end. Historically, if a man had an affair, all he got was a slap on the wrist. But god forbid a woman should, well, she was forced to wear a scarlet “A” (in America, at least) or put to death in some societies. Now, the whole thing is pretty much a joke. Clinton had an affair, but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad politician. Prince Charles has an affair – who cares? I certainly don’t. Sure, they’re fun to read about, but what someone does in his/her sex life really doesn’t concern me. I have better things to worry about.

On an unrelated topic, today is the BEATLES’ 30th ANNIVERSARY! I just love the Beatles! They certainly impacted American culture! They are my favorite band! Hurrah!

The Notebook

December 11th, 2011 by Suzanne | 5 Comments | Filed in Damn, hilarity, random, those were the days, unshaved snatch

While I was at my parents’ house, I dug through a storage box of papers that I have in my room. When the folks were visiting me in NYC at the end of October, they regaled my friend with an (embarrassing) tale of a one-woman protest I staged at Marshall Field’s department store when I was in high school. (I had read about the terrible attitude the founders of Guess? jeans had toward women in Backlash, and I thought women should stop buying their clothes. I was escorted out, politely, by security.) My friend thought this was great (i.e. – hilarious), so I wondered if I might find one of the fliers I had made up so he could continue to be amused by me.

Instead, I found a notebook that I had to keep for a few months as part of my AP Political Science class. The first entry is Jan. 31, 1994, and it runs through April 22. Everything I wrote almost 18 years ago is a topic that I subsequently wrote about on my blog (minus the unshaved snatch stuff, but I would have if it was an issue back then, I bet): abortion rights, income inequality, my hatred of Republican shenanigans, education, Jewishness, genocide, the pressure for women to be thin, etc. I swore a lot. I made little jokes.

On one hand, it is cool to see that I was so passionate and sort of advanced at a young age. On the other, I realized that I have not changed much in 18 years. That’s disturbing. Here’s a good sample:

America: Land of the Free or the Hypocrites?

March 31

I tell you, the more I learn about this country, the more I hate it. All we are is a bunch of hypocrites. “Equal opportunities for all!” “Land of the free!” “With liberty and justice for all.” BULLSHIT! I watch the news, I read, I observe. Very rarely do I find these notions of “democracy” actually in operation. Usually, I see the oligarchy that really runs this country paying lip-service to it.

I was talking to my mom about how disillusioned I am and how I can’t stand living here, and she said that compared to other countries, the US is a heaven. I said that I know that, but I can’t stand living in the Land of the Hypocrites. Whenever I see some patriotic themed thing, I feel sick to my stomach. It is just a lie.

My mom said that no place is perfect. She said she was worried because of how bitter I already am at such a young age. She told me that I was searching for a utopia and asked me if I was too idealistic. I suppose I am. She told me that idealism is good, and it’s how good change is brought about, but when it makes you bitter, it can be very bad. I have that bad mixture in me of idealism and realism. I know how I want it to be (how it should be), but I also know that the powers that be will never, ever let it happen. Hence, I am bitter.

The way America is moving today, with such a gap between the wealthy and poor ever widening, I hope that the discontented masses will rise up and end our past injustices. Oppression must end, in one way or another, and I’m curious to see how it will happen.

Seriously. I wrote this about one month after my 18th birthday, but I will bet that there are at least five posts on this same theme on CUSS. In fact, these are so freakin’ topical that I will be posting them up on CUSS over the next few weeks (months?).

Cleaning

August 16th, 2011 by Suzanne | 4 Comments | Filed in hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, mortification

Husband and I finally caved and decided not to pretend that we can handle cleaning our apartment or that we are fine living in a hovel. I secured the services of the cleaning person my friend has used for years. Over two visits, she spent ten hours doing an initial dust/scrub/wipe down.

I almost didn’t recognize the place, it was so shiny. My gratitude swelled. Then I went into the bedroom. When I saw what happened there, I was surprised that she was willing to return.

Over the years, I have accumulated many items. Some of these items may have been sitting on my nightstand, gathering dust, forgotten. Not only did the cleaning person uncover two boxes of contact lenses (one box per eyeball), but she also cleaned up the ginormous dildo I won in a Planned Parenthood fundraising raffle in March 2006 (see below).

This dildo is so ridiculously enormous that I don’t know how a person could fit it in any orifice. It provided me with much amusement for a while. Husband once accused it of staring at him with one eye, so he taped two googly eyes on it to make it more normal. When the eyes fell off, I moved it from the living room to the bedroom, where it lay abandoned on my nightstand amidst the clutter.

The nice cleaning woman dusted off the dildo. I wondered what she thought of me, and fell into giggles of mortification. Then I buried it back under a pile of things. I hope next time she is cleaning, she does not think I hid it from her. Although, of course, I sort of did. So embarrassing!

The Hipster

August 13th, 2011 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in Asshole idiots, Damn, fun trips, hilarity, I love New York, Off the (Beaten) Subway Track, oh happy day, random, What is wrong with people?

For the last few years, I’ve meant to head out to Ft. Tilden, a former military base turned park in the Far Rockaways section of Queens.  A friend at work highly recommended it.  I finally semi-made it there today with Husband and some friends. 

Since my preferred method of travel, subway and/or bus, would have taken us about 2 hours, we decided to drive.  The park website had car directions, but when we arrived, we learned there was no parking without a permit in the summer.  Then, after ditching Augustus Gloop (our car) at the parking lot for neighboring Jacob Riis and walking along the concrete boardwalk back to Ft. Tilden park, we learned you cannot have a picnic there without a permit halfway through our picnic.  (The ranger let us finish, though.)

As came back from the trash after cleaning up, I passed by a woman sitting under a tree to my right.

“Hey hipster!  Go to the beach,” she hissed.

I looked behind me to see who she was talking to.  There was no one there.  I looked to my left.  Also no one there.  I looked back at her.  She had a straw hat pulled over her face so I could not see who she was looking at.

“Hey hipster!” She hissed again.  “Go to the beach!”

I realized that she was directing her comment to me.  This made me want to laugh, as I am about as close to a hipster as Snooki to a Greek scholar.  I wondered if she thought of all white people as hipsters, although I thought she was white, too.  She hissed at me a third time.  Then I felt awkward and weirded out.

The day was not a total bust, though.  After having our picnic rushed, not being able to use the hiking trail with the cool wood stairs, and being called a hipster, we headed over to the nearby Jamaica Bay Wildlife Refuge.  It was gorgeous and not even the osprey circling the air seemed to mind our presence.  Or maybe birds of prey like fake hipsters.

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