Archive for the ‘fun trips’ Category

What I Want to Do When I Grow Up Any Day Now

December 2nd, 2010 by Suzanne | 5 Comments | Filed in fun trips, hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, I love New York, random

My flight home from Chicago last night was packed. This did not stop the guy sitting in the seat next to me from putting two bags and his coat in the overhead bin. I posted my displeasure with his actions on Facebook, then wondered what he would do if he knew. “Of course he won’t know – he’s a stranger!” I reminded myself. Then we chatted for the next two hours.

He asked me what I did and what Husband did. I said that I worked part-time as a grant writer, taught a financial management class for child care center directors, and did some consulting. “I am also writing a book,” I told him.

“So you live off your husband,” he commented. The guy is Israeli, so I was not totally surprised at his brusqueness, but I was still horrified. In fact, this is exactly my worst fear. I don’t want to be a mooch or thought of as a mooch. I may not work at a conventional job with conventional hours or make fistfuls of dollars, but I work, dammit. I worry that people will think I’m a spoiled housewife. Why do I feel so insecure about it? It drives me nuts. Work means so much to me. I wish I was not so ambitious. That’s probably why I get so upset if I think that people perceive me as a loser. Ugh.

As I also reported on Facebook, the guy seemed very concerned that all of my anxiety (of which people like him cause with their stupid commentary) causes my insomnia. He suggested that I begin smoking weed, which is about as horrifying to me as the idea of being a spoiled housewife. He was very earnest, though. (When I later relayed the guy’s advice to Husband, who himself was drunk after a work event, he suggested that I not speak to people in coach. Hilarious.)

At the end of the flight, my seatmate asked for my card. When he looked at it, he said he would friend me on Facebook. Figures.

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More Inappropriate Family Laffs

November 29th, 2010 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in family, fun trips, hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes

Husband and I came to my parents’ house over Thanksgiving weekend to spend time with the family, particularly since my sister and my nephew also came in. Everyone except for me left on Sunday. I remained so that I could spend more time with my grandmothers, interview family members about our family history, and scan family photos. It’s been very productive.

I found this Polaroid at my grandmother’s house today:

My bubbe (my dad’s mother) is sitting on the arm of the couch, my grandmother (my mom’s mother) is next to her, my grandfather (my dad’s father) has his arm around her, and my great grandmother (my mother’s father’s mother) is on the right. I’m the goober in the red shirt in front.

As I studied it this evening, I noticed something odd. I brought it to my mom. “Doesn’t it look like Grandpa is squeezing Grandma’s boob?” I asked her.

“Yeah.” She paused. “That’s probably why he’s smiling so much.”

Sillinessnesses

November 28th, 2010 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in family, fun trips, hilarity, random

Earlier today, my mom, sister, and I argued about the correct words to a novelty song sung to the tune of “Old Smokey.” Dana and I thought it began, “On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed.” My mother said that it is “On top of a pizza…” She said that was how Dick Biondi, a Chicago DJ, sang it.

It turns out that the song was originally re-written by Biondi and the lyrics involved a meatball on pizza. After everyone else left and my parents and I had a late lunch, I noted that this made no sense as a) who puts meatballs on pizza?; b) why would a meatball fall off a pizza, which is a flat surface as opposed to an unstable mountain of spaghetti; and c) people are less likely to sneeze near a pizza as opposed to spaghetti because more people are allergic to pasta. We had a good laugh over c.

My dad, however, became very serious. “Many songs are silly,” he said. “I mean, what about that song, ‘Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini?’ That’s just stupid. I’ve never seen a bikini with yellow polka dots! Who ever heard of a bikini with yellow polka dots?” He shook his head. “Really, I’ve never seen one.”

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A Family Gathering

November 27th, 2010 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in family, fun trips, hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes

After a long day of family nuttiness, my mom, Husband, Dana, Ryan, and I gathered in the living room. Somehow we began mocking Husband, insisting that he had a crush on my aunt.

“It makes sense,” I said. “He likes crabby, bossy women.”

“Yeah, he wants to do her,” Ryan said.

Husband said nothing. He got up off the couch and went upstairs to use the bathroom.

“Notice that he didn’t deny it,” Dana said. “He can’t lie because he’d turn bright red.”

“He probably is masturbating right now,” Ryan said.

We all laughed and laughed, assuming that he couldn’t hear us (not that he didn’t know we were making fun of him).

The toilet flushed. The sink went on and off. Husband emerged from the bathroom. When he re-entered the living room, he stopped to face us. “You’re out of tissues and lotion,” he announced.

Visiting the Vatican, May 2006

November 11th, 2010 by Suzanne | 4 Comments | Filed in bad puns, fun trips, hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, Jewishness, random, those were the days

The Vatican Museum drove me up the wall. First, it was outrageously expensive – 12 euros!!! This was by far the most expensive museum Dr. P. Dr. H, and I went to in Italy. Second, there were about 954 tour groups there. It was very hard to get around, as large groups would plant themselves in the middle of a room or hall while listening to their guides, and refuse to allow anyone to pass. I was very on edge as it was since I felt like I had entered into the Heart of Darkness. This is not to say that good times were not had. I seriously respect this statue’s pubes and sac: Not even the two-headed Mary Magdalene on the unfinished Michelangelo statue that I saw at the Museo dell’Opera del Santa Maria Fiore in Florence can beat a dickless, handless statue for laughs. (Did they fall off from overuse? This statue could so be used as a warning by some of those groups that think masturbating is a sin.) And the Venus de Milo thought that she had problems…

From the Vatican Museum, we went to St. Peter’s Basilica. The Basilica is built right over the supposed burial spot of St. Peter. Which would make one think that the Vatican might be sensitive to the needs of the persecuted, but this discriminatory sign shows otherwise: No people missing one leg or part of an arm are allowed in! So much for the meek shall inherit the earth and all that.

Inside the Basilica, there are many relics. Here we have John XXII, St. Pius, and St. Josaphat:

St. John XXII is probably one of the worst wax-job corpses ever. He just looked like shit. Granted, having a bad wax head is probable better than a rotted head or no head at all, but still. I did not capture his face, but he also had a ginormous nose. Seeing as us Jews are always being tormented for our schnozes, you’d think that people who venerate a saint with a nose big enough to fit a truck in a nostril might be a bit more sensitive; that’s all I am saying.

St. Pius X’s bod also did not fare well in death. He now has a metal head and hands.

St. Josaphat also is a metal head (ha ha ha, oh I crack myself up…). I so dig the crown. Once my sister had a birthday party at Showbiz Pizza (now turned into Chuck E. Cheese) – which beefed me off to no end because I had previously asked my parents if I could have a party there and they said it was too expensive, but whatever – and they gave her a crown that looked very similar to this.

Man, that was a good trip.

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Do You Want to Pass the Dick Test?

October 14th, 2010 by Suzanne | 5 Comments | Filed in bad puns, family, fun trips, hilarity

While I was at my parents’ house this past weekend my mom showed me a box of old papers and photos. We inspected black and white pre-nose job photos (she remains horrified at her former nose but I didn’t see why she thought it was that bad), letters she received from an elected official commending her good grades, a scholarship letter from the University of Illinois-Chicago, and a letter she wrote to her parents when she was nine and they went on vacation to Florida. She also had a note card documenting her vaccinations.

Dick Test

The second line from the bottom made me giggle. “So, how’d that Dick Test go?” I asked her. “Does it make you immune to dicks?”

She laughed. Unfortunately, the Dick Test has not prevented dicks from bothering her at various points of her life. Perhaps its lack of effectiveness is why they no longer administer it. Certainly my life would be more pleasant if I could make dicks go away from me.

Maybe the dick vaccine worked by preventing a person from becoming a dick. My mom is not a dick, although I can’t say that is because she passed the Dick Test. I’m fairly certain that I did not get immunized against dickdom, but sometimes I am a total dick. Again, no conclusive proof either way.

Skangers and POBs

September 25th, 2010 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in family, fun trips, hilarity, oh happy day, sadness

I arrived in Dublin on Thursday afternoon after a three hour delay resulting from what I swear was a flash flood in New York. I’ve been having a brilliant time with Rebecca, learning all sorts of slang. Skangers are thug-type low-lifes who wear track suits and hassle people and get into fights. Rebecca says, “They are basically the scum of the earth.” They can be men or women. POBs (Pink, Orange, Blonde) are women who wear pink track suits, have orange-tinted skin from bad self-tans and excessive tanning salons, and have dyed blonde hair.

I have experienced many other cultural encounters as well on this a whirlwind trip. On Thursday, I went to Trinity College, ate dinner in Temple Bar, and then hung around the shopping area of Henry/Mary Street while Rebecca worked. On Friday, I gave myself a walking tour while Rebecca had a jolly time dealing with immigration. I went to St. Auden’s Church, Christchurch, Dublin Castle, Dublihn Garden, the Revenue Museum (about tax collection), and City Hall. Rebecca was sprung from immigration around lunchtime, and we celebrated with sandwiches then went to the National Museum of Decorative Arts. Husband arrived, we went to dinner, and then took advantage of Culture Night, in which museums are open late, and visited the Chester Beatty Library. Today Husband and I took a 2 hour walking tour while Rebecca worked. Then she took us to a seaside town called Howth, where we ate, walked on the pier, climbed a hill, and explored a cemetery amidst the ruins of a 15th century church. We returned to Dublin, walked by Mansion House (the Lord Mayor of Dublin’s residence), passed the Royal College of Surgeons, stopped to see St. Valentine’s relics at Whitefriar Church (I was disappointed that they were hidden in a metal casket), and viewed the oldest recorded house in Dublin. Then we ate and came back to Rebecca’s flat.

It has been extremely fun. I only froze my ass off 57% of the time. Damp cold is the worst.

Now Husband and Rebecca are playing Scrabble on Husband’s iPad. I missed their argument about what the word “loam” meant (but when they mentioned it later, I looked up and said, “Loam? You mean a rich soil?” and they laughed at me). But before that, I made a face.

“What’s wrong?” Rebecca asked.

“I don’t want to go home,” I said.

She stared at me. (Husband smiled.)

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Why do you want to go home?” she asked.

“No, I don’t want to go home!”

She seemed less insulted by that. Tomorrow we are going to Dublinia, the Viking and Medieval museum that may or may not be like Colonial Williamsburg with lots of human re-enactments. I am not clear on that. (Now they are debating what “witan” or “kos” mean. Oy.) After lunch, Husband and I head to the airport for our separate flights (I am flying directly to NYC on Aer Lingus; he is flying to London on Aer Lingus then transferring to American Airlines so he can get airmiles and retain his executive platinum status). Good times.

Frequent Flyer

September 21st, 2010 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in Asshole idiots, fun trips, mortification, other rants, random, What is wrong with people?

My cousin Rebecca moved to Ireland last fall to attend a master’s program at Trinity College. The big plan was to attend school and work part-time, possibly finding a job that would enable her to stay in Dublin for the longer term. As the Irish economy is as bad as that in the US (if not worse), things didn’t turn out that way and as of this summer, she still did not have a job. It looked like she would come home after graduation in November.

A year ago, when Rebecca was accepted, I could not wait to visit her in Dublin. However, with my own school and work commitments, I was unable to hop over the pond to the Emerald Isles. Since it seemed that her triumphant return to the States was imminent, in July I looked at the calendar and picked a date to go. My office was closed Thursday, Sept. 23 and Friday, Sept. 24 for the Jewish holiday of Sukkot. It seemed like a good way to get a long weekend in Dublin. Brilliant!*

Next step was to secure a flight. I always, always, always use American Airlines. I have tons of frequent flyer miles with them and “Gold” status, which lets me go through the priority line of security and board planes early. (Undemocratic and classist, I know. I am also ashamed of myself.)

The marketing mastermind of these programs is that it makes me not want to fly other airlines in which I don’t have privileges or lots of miles that I can trade in for fabulous free travel. So when I went to book a flight to Dublin, I was irate to discover that I’d have to first Chicago, then connect to Dublin, which would mean taking off an extra day of work. On the way home, I’d have to leave Dublin in the morning, arrive at Chicago in the afternoon, and then take a flight back to NYC the next morning, which made no sense and would mean arriving late to work. All for $250 more than a direct flight. What a bargain! I booked on Aer Lingus.

Which brings me back to the evil mastermindedness of these frequent flyer programs. Although it makes no sense in any way, shape, or form for me to use American, I still partly regret not taking this insane arrangement and paying more for having less time with my cousin because I will lose out on the miles. It’s insidious how brainwashed I am. Gah!

Still, I am super lucky to be going at all. I can’t wait to see Rebecca and explore Dublin. It’s going to be amazing.

*OK, I know that’s British.

I Shit You Not

September 13th, 2010 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in bad puns, fun trips, hilarity

Dingleberry Rd NE

Dingleberry Rd NE


This is a real street in Iowa. I wonder if there is a Dingleberry RD NW?

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A Mid-September Holiday Weekend

September 12th, 2010 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in family, fun trips, Jewishness

There are very few people permitted to drool on me with impunity. My nephew is one of them.
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I love this kid too much. It kills me that I can only see him a few times a year. How can anyone resist this face?
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Marcus so big now. At the library, he played at the activity table. At home, he ran around with the push toy I bought him in Cracow. At the apple orchard, he mimicked Husband and me as we posed with apples, pretending to eat them.

It was a great weekend. It was also a sad weekend. It was the first Rosh Hashana that I didn’t spend at some sort of semi-traditional family meal. (We went out for Mexican food, which was nice.) My parents did not, for the first time maybe ever, get together with my grandmothers for dinner. My in-laws did not do anything, either.

My sister and I discussed this after we came back from the apple orchard. As we talked about the past, I told her that I regret not trying harder to get my grandfather to talk about his life before the war, about his family. “It wouldn’t have mattered,” she said. “He was never going to talk about that. He had to put it behind him. There was nothing you could have done differently.”

Somehow, it made me feel better. Now I just have to hang in there until I can see everyone in mid-October.