Archive for the ‘bad puns’ Category

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Since You’ve Been Gone

January 7th, 2012 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, bad puns, What is wrong with people?

I kind of liked Kelly Clarkson. Her songs are snappy. She didn’t have anything handed to her on a silver platter. She’s cute. She weighs a little more than your average lady pop star and when critics snipe at her weight, she ignores them. I find that very admirable. And then…

She said she loves Ron Paul.*

Why, Kelly Clarkson, why? She later defended her statement, noting that she doesn’t agree with everything Paul stands for. She said, “I do not support racism. I support gay rights, straight rights, women’s rights, men’s rights, white/black/purple/orange rights”. That is all very nice except that Paul kind of is adamantly opposed to all of those things (minus the men’s rights). Clarkson may like that he stands for less government interference, except that he stands for the highest levels government interference in the most private of realms. So I just don’t get it. It makes me think that Clarkson just doesn’t want to pay her fair share of taxes to support a fair and just society. If that’s the case, I’m super disappointed.

Once Ron Paul and his dangerous, fundamental-minded ilk are gone, I will breathe for the first time in a long time. Until then, Clarkson is gone from my list of neat celebrities.

*Although for a little while I was confused and thought she endorsed Rick Santorum, which would be even worse since we opposes all forms of birth control, but still…

Don’t We Have Anything Better To Do?*

December 17th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in bad puns, hilarity, other rants, those were the days

Feb. 15, 1994

Today 350 reporters were camped out in Sarasota, FL. Why? What event could be so newsworthy that required 350 reporters – the size of a small town population – to cover it adequately? A typhoon? UFO? Another sighting of the Virgin Mary? No, none of those, although there is a certain religious fervor to the whole thing. Actually, what happened was Michael Jordan practiced baseball.

Baseball, like basketball, is a sport. We enjoy sports in our leisure time. But the problem is that major league, even college, sports have moved beyond being just a fun way to relax. They’ve become multi-zillion dollar obsessions. People in America know more about their favorite athletes than they do about geography or other “scholarly” subjects. That scares me. Truthfully, that scares me a lot.

Where are we headed as a society who takes games more seriously than we do politics? I’m wondering what would happen if the Bulls become the “Quad Squad” this year and, on the same night they sweep the series, the President of the United States (god forbid) gets assassinated. I tell you, news rooms across the country would find themselves in the midst of a crisis: which even should get the headline. I’d hope it would be our President, but I’m not so sure it would be. That’s the significance professional sports have gained.

I don’t know how it happened, either. Sure, sports are fun to watch, but isn’t it a bit frightening that athletic superstars make 10 to 40 times more money than the President of our country?!? I mean, sure, all a President has to do is help run a country, but these athletes can hit a ball with a stick! (Take THAT, President Clinton!)

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I’m not a bit surprised that our country’s future is looking a bit dim in certain areas. I wouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised if a year’s salary for a superstar athlete is more than the entire budget for some schools. It’s enough to make a person want to drop out of school to make a nice buck shooting hoops. (I’m not saying no one should dream of doing it, but it’s bad to rely on it only.)

At any rate, I’m just looking forward to the day when I can look up proudly, solute the Commander in Chief, and say, “Just do it, President Jordan!”

*This journal entry has been brought to you by NIKE. ‘Cause NIKE understands that you can’t REALLY play ball without $185 pump up shoes! (But that’s another story!)

Sex Scandals and Other Universal Things

December 15th, 2011 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in bad puns, hilarity, random

This one was written in the AP Poli Sci journal in green pen. Exciting enough to ignore my lack of knowledge regarding the entire Victorian period…

Feb. 9, 1994

I saw on the news yesterday that the Conservative Party in Britain is once again suffering from a sex scandal. All these cabinet guys are being caught with mistresses and prostitutes. Another big honcho was found dead, wearing only a garter belt and tied to the bed posts with nylon stockings.

For some strange reason, I find this very amusing. I guess you can see the slow change from the tradition in this whole sex thing. It used to be that kings, aristocrats, and other noblemen had mistresses. It was common knowledge. They had “illegitimate” children and had houses built to house their mistresses and children. How times have changed! Now, it is NOT acceptable to fool around. A person could get in pretty hot water – no pun intended – politically. This is a pretty good illustration of how Britain has changed over time.

Truthfully, the whole thing just annoys me to no end. Historically, if a man had an affair, all he got was a slap on the wrist. But god forbid a woman should, well, she was forced to wear a scarlet “A” (in America, at least) or put to death in some societies. Now, the whole thing is pretty much a joke. Clinton had an affair, but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad politician. Prince Charles has an affair – who cares? I certainly don’t. Sure, they’re fun to read about, but what someone does in his/her sex life really doesn’t concern me. I have better things to worry about.

On an unrelated topic, today is the BEATLES’ 30th ANNIVERSARY! I just love the Beatles! They certainly impacted American culture! They are my favorite band! Hurrah!

Crazies and Writing Bugs

April 13th, 2011 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in bad puns, other rants, random, What is wrong with people?, writing

If blogs were part of a system of protective services, I would be reported for neglect. One thing that surprised me when I entered my MFA program in the fall of 2008 were how many students did not blog. I could not imagine not blogging. It was my daily writing exercise and my brain dump. I often got ideas for longer stories from my posts.

Yet, over two years later, I realize that it is hard to blog and write longer works at the same time. When it takes me almost a whole day to come up with one double-spaced page, it is hard for me to sit down and write a few more paragraphs. Plus, to be honest, nothing really interesting is going on. I run a lot, as I am preparing to participate in a half marathon in June. I also read the newspaper over breakfast and think mean thoughts. (Examples: “If Americans want to live in a third world country, who am I to stop them?” or “I hope the Republican fanatics get their way and ban private health insurance plans from offering abortion coverage so middle-class women will wake up and realize what it is already like for women who need a medical procedure and can’t get one because of money. Then maybe things will change.”) Then I read books about Warsaw in the 1920s and 1930s and compare things to today. It is fascinating to note that illegal abortions were rampant in those days (and that it is easier to get an illegal abortion in Poland today than it is to get a legal one in some places in the US).

I also realized that because many of our elected officials are batty, they probably are also rabid. It is the only logical explanation I can come up with for why so many horrendous policies are being proposed and passed. Rabies! Incidentally, I share my birthday Louis Pasteur, the man who invented the rabies vaccine. He also invented pasteurization. I always thought that was cool, although these days people hate life-saving vaccines and are convinced that pasteurization is unnecessary despite the fact that people used to die all the time from various illnesses and get sick from bacteria in milk. Strange days, I say.

See? Crazy, albeit typical, thoughts. Nothing worth writing about, but I will try and be more attentive to my blog. It’s what got me infected with the writing bug in the first place.

Another Use for Pliers

January 13th, 2011 by Suzanne | 4 Comments | Filed in bad puns, Damn, hilarity, mortification, those were the days

Gloria Vanderbilt jeans were the fashion item to have in the early 1980s. They were so ubiquitous that even my mother had a pair. (Not that my mother was not fashionable back in those days, but more that a ludicrous amount of money for a pair of jeans was not in our family’s modest budget. It’s interesting that the jeans were not outrageously pricey even though they were designer. I think back to Z Cavacci and Guess?, jeans marketed to my age group when I was in junior high, and they were more than $50 for a pair. That was 20 years ago, and I think $50 now is ridiculous. Clearly, there’s enough material – no pun intended – for a separate post, so back to the point.) What initially made Gloria Vanderbilt jeans so popular was the tight fit.

I remember watching my slender mom put on her Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. She lay down on the bed and used a pair of pliers to grasp the zipper and pull it up. At the time, I didn’t understand that washing a pair of jeans designed to be tight would make them insanely tight. It just struck me that she needed pliers to zip her jeans, which infamously appeared anonymously in The Wall Street Journal when a reporter came to my junior high to interview 4th grade girls (not 5th, as my link asserts) about dieting and I mentioned her jean-zipping tactics.

All of this came into play on Monday. It’s fairly cold in New York City, but I still like to walk around, so I dress in layers. My outfit that day included of a pair of wool knee socks under a pair of fleece-lined leggings under a pair of jeans. For further wind proofing, I put on a pair of knee-high leather boots over the socks and leggings, but under the jeans. Even under less layered circumstances, I have some trouble zipped my boots over my calves, and the zipper was not budging with both the bulky leg coverings.

My solution was to grab a pair of pliers from the tool box we keep in our bedroom. (Of course! Where else would you store tools? Although just this very moment I decided that Husband can no longer make fun of my parents for storing tools in their basement bathroom.) I tensed my calf muscles to make it as small as possible to aid the process, took the end of the zipper into the pliers, and pulled. The zipper broke in half. Right. That is when it occurred to me that trying to leverage the thinnest part of the zipper was a bad idea. I reposition the pliers on the part of the zipper closer to the teeth, and it worked like a charm. The other boot was zipped without a hitch, and after I worried that I could not actually walk in the boots (not a problem, it turned out) or what would happen if for some reason I had to take them off (unlikely at work), I strolled out, warm and comfy.

Thank goodness for the versatility of pliers!

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Visiting the Vatican, May 2006

November 11th, 2010 by Suzanne | 4 Comments | Filed in bad puns, fun trips, hilarity, I am a bad person sometimes, Jewishness, random, those were the days

The Vatican Museum drove me up the wall. First, it was outrageously expensive – 12 euros!!! This was by far the most expensive museum Dr. P. Dr. H, and I went to in Italy. Second, there were about 954 tour groups there. It was very hard to get around, as large groups would plant themselves in the middle of a room or hall while listening to their guides, and refuse to allow anyone to pass. I was very on edge as it was since I felt like I had entered into the Heart of Darkness. This is not to say that good times were not had. I seriously respect this statue’s pubes and sac: Not even the two-headed Mary Magdalene on the unfinished Michelangelo statue that I saw at the Museo dell’Opera del Santa Maria Fiore in Florence can beat a dickless, handless statue for laughs. (Did they fall off from overuse? This statue could so be used as a warning by some of those groups that think masturbating is a sin.) And the Venus de Milo thought that she had problems…

From the Vatican Museum, we went to St. Peter’s Basilica. The Basilica is built right over the supposed burial spot of St. Peter. Which would make one think that the Vatican might be sensitive to the needs of the persecuted, but this discriminatory sign shows otherwise: No people missing one leg or part of an arm are allowed in! So much for the meek shall inherit the earth and all that.

Inside the Basilica, there are many relics. Here we have John XXII, St. Pius, and St. Josaphat:

St. John XXII is probably one of the worst wax-job corpses ever. He just looked like shit. Granted, having a bad wax head is probable better than a rotted head or no head at all, but still. I did not capture his face, but he also had a ginormous nose. Seeing as us Jews are always being tormented for our schnozes, you’d think that people who venerate a saint with a nose big enough to fit a truck in a nostril might be a bit more sensitive; that’s all I am saying.

St. Pius X’s bod also did not fare well in death. He now has a metal head and hands.

St. Josaphat also is a metal head (ha ha ha, oh I crack myself up…). I so dig the crown. Once my sister had a birthday party at Showbiz Pizza (now turned into Chuck E. Cheese) – which beefed me off to no end because I had previously asked my parents if I could have a party there and they said it was too expensive, but whatever – and they gave her a crown that looked very similar to this.

Man, that was a good trip.

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Do You Want to Pass the Dick Test?

October 14th, 2010 by Suzanne | 5 Comments | Filed in bad puns, family, fun trips, hilarity

While I was at my parents’ house this past weekend my mom showed me a box of old papers and photos. We inspected black and white pre-nose job photos (she remains horrified at her former nose but I didn’t see why she thought it was that bad), letters she received from an elected official commending her good grades, a scholarship letter from the University of Illinois-Chicago, and a letter she wrote to her parents when she was nine and they went on vacation to Florida. She also had a note card documenting her vaccinations.

Dick Test

The second line from the bottom made me giggle. “So, how’d that Dick Test go?” I asked her. “Does it make you immune to dicks?”

She laughed. Unfortunately, the Dick Test has not prevented dicks from bothering her at various points of her life. Perhaps its lack of effectiveness is why they no longer administer it. Certainly my life would be more pleasant if I could make dicks go away from me.

Maybe the dick vaccine worked by preventing a person from becoming a dick. My mom is not a dick, although I can’t say that is because she passed the Dick Test. I’m fairly certain that I did not get immunized against dickdom, but sometimes I am a total dick. Again, no conclusive proof either way.

I Shit You Not

September 13th, 2010 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in bad puns, fun trips, hilarity

Dingleberry Rd NE

Dingleberry Rd NE


This is a real street in Iowa. I wonder if there is a Dingleberry RD NW?

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So Wright It Can’t Be Wrong

September 1st, 2010 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in bad puns, hilarity, I love New York

Hello giant David Wright! You are like a cuddly teddy bear! Even though you have not been playing very well (not that your teammates are any better), I want to hug you.
wright1

Yes, I know it must be hard to be a popular baseball player. Not only do attractive women throw themselves at you, but so do ones who look like 12 year old boys whose voices crack when they get excited.
wright2

Life must be very hard.

Fur

August 27th, 2010 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in bad puns, unshaved snatch

Years ago, I decided that if I had pursued a different path in life and went to med school (my father always wanted a doctor) rather than dropping out of law school on the third day (my father always wanted a lawyer) and then attending grad school for public policy and then working for ten years and then attending grad school for creative writing, I would have become a gynecologist. Women’s health interests me and there is a need for doctors who are willing to do abortions. Probably my lack of early interest in science and math is a good thing, as I would have tried to open a practice and name it Cooter’s Garage. I could have made all sorts of jokes about checking under the hood and changing the oil and fine tuning the engine. However, Cooter’s Garage would not do custom detailing. We’d like our cars with floor mats.

After I visited my doctor today, who is an excellent health care provider and Mets fan, I took Tycho to the vet. Unlike me, he is having trouble maintaining himself and his fur is rather messy. The vet thinks that he has arthritis and can’t bend around to lick himself properly. (I don’t have arthritis, but I can’t do that either, nor would I want to.) She shaved his nether regions to help. He is not a happy rabbit right now. I definitely feel for him. I guess sometimes it makes a lot more sense to go furless.

And yes, I realize that the previous two paragraphs were not entirely related to one another, but sometimes I like a vague theme.

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