Archive for the ‘Asshole idiots’ Category

Tattling

June 6th, 2011 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in Asshole idiots, evil, fuck, I love New York, other rants, What is wrong with people?

Dr. H and I were walking up 8th Avenue, chatting about the high and low points of “The Hangover Part II,” which we had just seen. As we crossed 42nd Street, a bus shot in front of us. It had made a reckless left turn and almost plowed through a crowd of people.

“HEY! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?” I yelled.

“What are you fucking doing?” screamed the guy next to me.

All five of the people who were nearly mowed down made similar comments. The bus driver never even looked at us. It was scary.

As he sped west on 42nd, I made a mental note of the phone number written on the back door. (It’s 201.945.0556, in case anyone is interested.) Once I was safely on the sidewalk, I fished out my phone and tried calling the bus company to complain about their lunatic employee, but – shocking! – no one answered. Dr. H and I discussed how upsetting it was to nearly be run over and how little the driver cared.

A block later, I noticed two cops standing on the sidewalk.

“Maybe I should mention it to them,” I said to Dr. H.

“What good would that do?” she replied.

“None, but I want to anyway.” I thought I would feel better if I vented. And these happened to be super cute po-po. I felt that it might soothe my raw nerves to chat up some nice looking dudes. As expected, there was nothing they could do, but they weren’t surprised. They knew exactly what I meant.

When we walked away from the cops, Dr. H and I chatted about how hot they were. It made us giggle a lot and feel better.

Sad, I know.

Pushing Ourselves

May 9th, 2011 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, I love New York

The Great Saunter took place this past Saturday. It is a loosely organized walk mostly around the perimeter of Manhattan. The total walk length, depending on the source, is 30 or 32 miles.

For the past three years, Husband and I have wanted to participate in the event. We love walking, and we love Manhattan, so ambling about seemed like a perfect way to spend a day. We were out of town or otherwise occupied for the previous two walks, but we signed up and showed up this year.

The walk officially began at South Street Seaport at 7:30 am, but some people with shpiles began walking around 7:20. Husband and I followed a group at 7:26. I turned my GPS watch on about ten minutes later. That is also when I ate my first snack of many.

It was a day of sunshine and carbohydrates, beautiful parks and crappy pavement, blisters and knee pain. Husband sat down a little before the tenth mile and changed his socks for the first time. The pair he wore were stuck to many blisters. At the eleventh mile, we ate Gu and commented on how much it tasted like frosting. By mile twelve, Husband had a barely noticeable limp. I began to worry about him. My feet hurt a little, but mostly I just wanted more Gatorade than I packed.

The halfway point (over 15 miles) was the flagpole at Inwood Hill Park, and we rested for a while. By this point, I had consumed two small bags of PopChips, a granola bar, a Clif bar, a packet of Gu, and 45 ounces of Gatorade. Husband had a granola bar and water. At the rest stop, I ate some cheddar crackers. I think Husband ate a Luna Bar.

The point is, he was physically falling apart and I was stuffing my face. I encouraged him to take the subway home, but he wanted to soldier on. He was determined to finish the walk, although he could barely walk five minutes without needing to rest. He said he would feel like a failure if he quit at that point.

Five miles later (during which we passed the most gorgeous park I have ever seen in NYC – Swindler Cove Garden along Harlem River Drive), we came to a subway station and I practically forced him to go home. He had walked about twenty miles, at least half of which he was in pain. I told him the only failure he faced at this point was seriously hurting himself for no good reason. He agreed, got on the subway, and I stopped at a convenience store for another 32 ounces of Gatorade.

I sauntered alone for another three or so miles. When I hit 93rd Street, I felt a sharp pain in the sole of my right foot. Blister! I thought about the half marathon I am training for, how a blister would fuck up my runs, and I exited the walk at 87th Street. I’d done a little less than 24.5 miles at that point and was quite proud of myself.

Here’s the part that makes no sense: instead of taking a cab home, I took the bus. That would have been mostly fine, except that I ran for the bus when I saw it pull up to the stop. Then when I got off the bus, I walked another 1/2 mile home. At this point, I developed a nasty callus blister on my right foot. If I had just called it quits for real, I would have been mostly unharmed.

Instead, like Husband, I pushed myself too hard and am hobbling around. Lessons: Quit while you’re ahead; there’s can be way too much of a good thing; pride goeth before a fall; etc.

Here We Go Again

May 4th, 2011 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in Asshole idiots, other rants, What is wrong with people?

A headline in today’s Wall Street Journal promised an article that would explain the difference between women’s and men’s tears. Really? Why is this interesting or important? I wrote about something similar (possibly even the same; I don’t know since I didn’t read today’s article) back in January at BlogHer.

Perhaps I should not complain about an article I did not read, but I’m sick and tired of “news” and “studies” that trumpet the difference between males and females. What would be totally interesting and different would be some findings that show how men and women are similar. Since men and women are both human, I believe that we have a lot more in common than we have differences, and these “studies” are just ways to enforce gender stereotypes and discrimination.

It’s not that I think men and women are exactly the same. Our bodies work differently in some ways that might affect our health, behavior, and thought patterns. However, isn’t that true of individuals? Just because two people are women doesn’t mean their bodies function exactly like the other, that they enjoy the same things, and that they have the same values.

Focusing on differences doesn’t add value to our understanding of humanity without a counterbalancing look at how we are the similar. At the end of the day, we’re all human.

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Long Shorts with Pockets, Please

April 27th, 2011 by Suzanne | 5 Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, Damn, evil, fashion Suzanne-style, other rants, random, What is wrong with people?

Dear Women’s Athletic Apparel Manufacturers:

I appreciate that you understand that women should be active and earn your livings by producing clothing to enable us ladies to engage in physical fitness. However, what is wrong with you? Most of you seem to produce clothing for men and women, and of course, the men’s gear is a jillion times better.

First off, almost all shorts made for men have pockets. You seem to understand that men carry shit with them – like keys and ID and money and music machines and maybe even inhalers or tissues – when they run. Guess what? Women need those items too! Especially asthmatic ones! Those little “key pockets” are nice for a key, but otherwise they are fucking bullshit. I need to carry my inhaler with me, just in case. Where shall I put it in your pocketless shorts?

This brings us to the length of shorts. Men’s shorts come in a variety of lengths, from the short running kind to straight legs that extend to their knees. Women’s shorts, on the other hand, come in two sizes: short and even shorter. It’s not just that I look atrocious in these items, although that is bad enough. The bigger problem is that my fat thighs do not appreciate the lack of fabric between them. Chafing. Fucking. Hurts. Sure, I could go out and buy a separate pair of somewhat longer spandex shorts to wear under the running shorts, but why not just make longer shorts? I don’t wear Spandex because I hate having anything too tight on while I am sweating, particularly in my cooter region.

Speaking of tight, why is every damn piece of clothing “semi-fitted?” I like to be able to breathe and let the air cool me down. I don’t need Dry-Fit or Dry-Weave or whatever fabric clinging to my sweaty body. Nor do I love that these “semi-fitted” shirts do not flatter my tummy bulge. I just want something nice and loose. Guess who has that option? Men! Can you please extend me the same courtesy?

Thanks for listening. I suspect that there are a lot of women out there with these issues. If you take up some variety in styles and add pockets, you might make some more money. It’s a win-win situation.

Sincerely,

Suzanne Reisman

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Evidence Be Damned

April 18th, 2011 by Suzanne | 8 Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, Damn, other rants, What is wrong with people?

A few years ago, as I waited in a long line at the best falafel cart in New York City, I overheard the two men in front of me talking. As the cart and I were downtown, they were very Wall Street-y types. Man 1 said to Man 2 that his daughter wanted to cut her long hair and donate it to Locks of Love. (Locks of Love is a nonprofit organization that says that it donates hair to make wigs for low income children who are undergoing cancer treatment of whatever.) Man 2 said something that I can’t remember, and Man 1 told him that he found another place for his daughter because Locks of Love actually does not donate the hair it receives to make wigs for low income children, but rather sells it.

“Uh,” I interrupted. “I’m sorry to butt in, but did you just say that they do not donate the hair that people donate to them?”

“Yeah,” Man 1 said. ” I investigated their business model and discovered that they sell the hair they receive.”

Sometimes I kind of love crazy Wall Street-y types. Who else would read that kind of stuff? At any rate, the information upset me because my sister and a few of my friends had donated more than once to locks of Love, thinking they were helping people. Eons ago, a donor could even get a free cut at a nice salon if they donated their hair, but more recently, they had even paid to go to a nice place affiliated with Locks of Love to get a cut so they could help poor kids.

Since I generally don’t trust crazy Wall Street-y types, I looked up Locks of Love’s financial statements myself. There, plain as day, was the fact that Locks of Love derived the vast majority of its income by selling the hair that people donated. That money supported a lot of admin and other costs. And, of yeah, some wigs that they donated to low income kids.

I was furious. I called my sister and the other friends who had donated their hair and told them what was happening. Dana then found that Pantene had a hair donation program, and she used that the next time she donated her hair. We both felt better.

I bring this old story up now because someone on Facebook recently donated a lot of hair to Locks of Love. He was rightfully proud of helping a poor kid, except that of course, he didn’t help a poor kid. I debated whether I should comment and share my knowledge since, as is the case with many people I am “friends” with on Facebook, I don’t really know him and I also did not want to take away the good feeling that comes with doing something generous and kind.

So of course I left a comment. Within seconds, a woman told me that they only sell hair that they can’t otherwise use because it is too short or damaged. I wondered who bought it if it was unusable. She told me that hair can be used to absorb oil spills. Which it can, of course, and is very good at doing. However, that begs the question: if the organization was started to donate hair, should it not then donate hair to oil spills? And even if it is justifiable to sell the hair for other things so that it can raise money to support its actual mission, why is the amount of money they spend on wigs for poor kids a very small part of their operating budget?

No, no, no. No one wanted to hear it, so I dropped it. Just because the evidence is there that an organization does not operate efficiently or possibly even ethically (I think that they advertise that they use donated hair to make wigs for poor kids when they don’t is pretty misleading), does not mean that you should question what is going or try and find a place that does good work even better. In fact, how dare I even question them!

Thus I get to what is wrong with America today. God forbid evidence is out there that shows that a belief someone holds is not exactly accurate. Instead of re-evaluating what we “know,” we go ballistic and blame the evidence (and the person bearing the evidence) for questioning something in the first place. I give up. When does the next season of Jersey Shore begin?

Louise Was Right

March 9th, 2011 by Suzanne | 10 Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, evil, fuck, mortification, other rants, sadness, What is wrong with people?

Again, this is why I should not read the newspaper while eating breakfast. Vicious Assault Shakes Texas Town read the headline in The New York Times. “Students Among 18 Arrested in Gang Rape of 11-Year-Old.”

What’s enraging is that the headline is not the worst part of this story. The suspects range in age from middle school students to 27 years old. According to The Times:

Five suspects are students at Cleveland High School, including two members of the basketball team. Another is the 21-year-old son of a school board member. A few of the others have criminal records, from selling drugs to robbery and, in one case, manslaughter.

Of course, they made at least one video while raping the girl. Another student received a copy on her cellphone and showed it to her teacher. That’s when the town was shaken. As one woman told The Times, “It’s just destroyed our community. These boys have to live with this the rest of their lives.” (Emphasis mine.) Yes, her sympathy lies with the rapists. Oh those poor boys who hung out with grown men with criminal records and raped someone! They can’t go to school now.

Really, it isn’t their fault, others said. The girl was asking for it. She “dressed older than her age, wearing makeup and fashions more appropriate to a woman in her 20s. She would hang out with teenage boys at a playground.” The same woman wringing her hands about the boys’ future reminded readers that it was as much the girl’s mother’s fault as anyone’s. “Where was her mother? What was her mother thinking?”

What I would like to know is this: who the fuck raised these boys to think it is OK to hang out with older men, kidnap girls (or women, for that matter), and rape them? If the girl’s mother is a bad parent, what about the member of the school board whose 21 year old son participated in raping and videotaping? What about the parents of the middle school students who let their sons hang out with men in the same age group the girl seems to have spent time with?

Another woman said, “I really wish that this could end in a better light.” A BETTER LIGHT? Really? A person was fucking gang raped and she is worried that the incident end in a “better light?” What kind of light would be better? That we find out the girl actually hypnotized the boys and men and tricked them into raped her and videotaping it? WHAT THE FUCK?

I’m so angry I can’t sit still. Twenty years ago, the movie “Thelma and Louise” came out. In it, one woman is about to be raped outside a bar after dancing with a male patron and drinking with him. Her friend tells him to leave the woman alone, and when he tells her to fuck off, she shoots him. The movie hints that she was raped a long time ago in Texas and nothing happened to her rapist because “she asked for it.” I guess things still roll that way in Texas. Even if you are eleven.

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The Stupidest Thing I’ve Ever Done

March 3rd, 2011 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, Damn, fuck, mortification, What is wrong with people?

Last Thursday, I agreed to help my friend Dr. H move a few things into her new apartment. My role was to sit in her car to ensure that it was not towed while she ran upstairs to drop off various items. She is well aware of my utter hatred of driving in general, and my specific terror at the very idea of driving in Manhattan. Oh, and it was rush hour. And we were in Midtown. However, she assured me that it was unlikely that I would have to move. I told her that I would rather ferry her stuff from the car to the apartment, but she insisted on doing it herself, so I sighed, sat in the driver’s seat, and hoped to hell that I would not be required to actually move the car. (In fact, I decided that should I be approached by a policeperson and asked to move, I would consider taking the ticket ($150) and paying it rather than drive in rush hour traffic. I kept this to myself, though.)

As I waited, I thought about the last time someone asked me to sit in a car and move it if the cops came. It was in 2000 or 2001. I can’t remember what led me to run errands with my friend after work one night, but he had to stop at a software store on 23rd Street, which is a pretty busy street. (At least Dr. H was on a side street.) I said OK, and remained in the passenger seat. He left the keys in the ignition and ran inside.

Before I knew it, a policewoman was peering into the window of the driver’s side. “Um, he’ll be back any second,” I told her. “That’s nice,” she replied and pulled out her pad to write a ticket. I debated what to do. As the wheel turned slowly in my head (Maurice, the hamster in charge of running on the wheel that powers my brain, was frozen with fear – he is scared of driving in Manhattan, too), a man approached the car.

“Do you need help? I could drive it for you,” he offered.

“Oh, OK,” I said.

Yes. That is what I did. I told a strange man that he could get into my friend’s car and drive away with it – and me.

As the man opened the door, my friend emerged from the store. “What the fuck is going on here?” he said.

“Well, I didn’t want to drive, so he offered to move the car,” I told him. The guy had already begun walking away, muttering “Just trying to help.” The po-po stood there, watching everything. My friend got in the car and asked me what the hell was wrong with me. Now that the situation was passed, I wanted to cry. Did I seriously almost let that happen? Yeah, I did. I wanted to puke.

In the ensuing years, I’ve thought about that incident once in a while, and I still want to puke. How could I have been so stupid? I am so lucky that my friend showed up when he did. Maybe the stranger really was just a good Samaritan who would have driven me around the block and returned to get my pal. I’m glad I never found out.

Sales

February 18th, 2011 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, Damn, evil, fashion Suzanne-style, hilarity, I love New York, mortification

All week long, I looked forward to running in the park today. My plan was to push myself a bit and do a 10K. I did two short runs at my parents’ house on their treadmill earlier in the week and a strength training session on Wednesday morning. My muscles were ready. I was psyched.

Then my throat started hurting around 4 pm on Wednesday. I wondered if it was because I was watching “Jersey Shore” and making me sick, but then I remembered that my mom had a sore throat on Tuesday and my sister had a cold over the weekend. I was sick. I hoped if I kept it quiet on Thursday (which was another day that would have been perfect to run) I’d feel better by today. Not so.

I woke up miserable. I moped around the apartment cursing the gods for inflicting me. I knew that I would wind up eating approximately 14 pounds of pretzel M&Ms if I stayed in all day. My mobile phone alerted me to a text message. My friend wanted to know if I would face off against the bridezillas at the annual Filene’s Basement bridal dress sale with her. I accepted. There’s nothing like a sale on items I absolutely do not need to cheer me up.

We met at 11:30, as she heard that the mob dies down by 10. It was still crowded and dresses were flung about everywhere. These shoppers made wild packs of dogs look calm. I don’t think more than two women in the store said excuse me as they shoved past me in the aisles. Women came in teams, with brides wearing t-shirts that read “BRIDE” in puffy paint and her friends in coordinating colors or hats or scarves. Women also ran around in their various special gown undergarments, as fitting rooms were not available. Brutal! My friend did not find anything, unfortunately.

On my way home from the Running of the Brides (I think that is the official name of the event, as Filene’s was selling t-shirts that said “I survived the Running of the Brides at Filene’s Basement”), I noticed a sale rack outside the Super Runners Shop. I managed to get a pair of Brooks worth $130 for $39.99, so that made me partly happy. It also frustrated me because I wanted to use them right away. Ce la vie.

My last sale score was a pair of running pants with zippered pockets. They were 20% off. I would have bought them full price, though, because I have noticed that women’s running pants no longer come with pockets. This makes it difficult for me to carry my inhaler, which is pretty essential to my ability to stay alive if something goes wrong.

Then I came home and found out that the House of “Representatives” passed a bill defunding Planned Parenthood’s cervical screening, STI treatment, and pre-natal care programs, along with the community development fund and public housing capital fund. To celebrate our descent into a third world country, I ate approximately 14 pounds of pretzel M&Ms.

Fat Lot of Good This Is

February 16th, 2011 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in Asshole idiots, Damn, hilarity, other rants

I photographed this informative sign in the women’s bathroom in the baggage claim area in LaGuardia Airport. It was posted over the hand drier. (In case it is not clear, it alerts people that feminine products may be purchased at Hudson Newsstands located in the main terminal and other parts of the airport.)

Now, if I am in need of said feminine product, and I had already gone to the bathroom and washed my hands, is this not a little late to inform me that I will have to troop around the airport to purchase something to staunch my bleeding? What is even better is that most of the Hudson Newsstands are post-security, and if you are looking at this sign, you are pre-security. (There is one in the food court, which was closed when my late flight arrived, as, actually, were the Hudson Newsstands by the gate.) In fact, you likely are not going back through security because you just got off a plane or are waiting to meet someone who just got off a plane and therefore you do not have a ticket that would allow you to pass security to go buy your damn feminine product.

So, in fact, what this sign should say is, “There is pretty much nowhere you can buy a feminine product, so please go back into the stall and stuff your underwear with toilet paper if you don’t want to stain them because that is the best you can do since we are asshole idiots.” How much do I love the Port Authority of NY & NJ (which run the NYC airports) for their great services? Perhaps this would be a good time to reflect on the lovely bathrooms at O’Hare, which not only have feminine product dispensers, but those cool plastic toilet seat covers attached to a machine that changes the covers if you wave your hand over the sensor so you can sit your ass down on a fresh, clean seat. Chicago, 1; New York, 0.

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Opinions

January 26th, 2011 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in Asshole idiots, Damn, hilarity, I love New York, other rants

Yesterday I participated in a one hour market research forum in which I provided my opinion on the websites of different toning shoes (like FitFlop, MBT, and Reebok Easytone). For this service, I was compensated $100. It may have been the easiest $100 per hour gig I will ever have. It also made me wonder why people won’t pay me to share my opinion on other, more important topics.*

I have lots of opinions. The front page alone of this morning’s The New York Times is an indication of all of the opinions I have:

  • Obama Calls for Bipartisan Effort to Fight for U.S. Jobs (the print title, though, is “Obama Proposing Bipartisan Effort to Win the Future”): If anyone thinks this can be done by giving tax cuts to corporations, they are smoking crack. Large companies today are more profitable than ever and they got that way by taking their tax cuts and laying off workers. The people who are left do the jobs of multiple people for no increase in pay. What else are they going to do? Last time I checked my history books, the Robber Baron Age of no regulation (well, except regulations that favored businesses abusing workers) sucked for the vast majority of people. Actually, I didn’t even have to check my history books to learn this. I lived it through the “W.” era. Make it go away!
  • New York State Takes Control of Nassau’s Finances: Me to Husband: Did you see that NYS is taking over Nassau County’s finances? Like they even have control of their own?!?!?! Husband: It’s a special independent body. Me: Then it should take over New York State’s finances, too.
  • Evidence Is Elusive on Charge of a Blizzard Slowdown: I missed the Dec. 26-27 blizzard while I was in Istanbul, but I heard all the horror stories. My friend told me that public buses got stuck in the middle of Canal Street, a busy road through Chinatown leading to the Manhattan Bridge, and were abandoned. Ambulances also got stuck on unplowed side streets and were left behind. It was a mess. It was a mess for a variety of reasons, one being that the entire senior staff in the mayor’s office was on vacation and not paying attention. However, a Tea Party-supported Councilman claimed that it was due to unions. See, the unions, to punish the mayor for budget cuts, decided not to plow streets, according to this theory. The councilman said that some unnamed union members came to his office to tell him this. The Mayor’s Office said they would look into it, but didn’t exactly dispel the rumors because it got the heat off them. Then the Brooklyn DA’s office decided to investigate. So now we are spending money investigating one dude’s claim even after he refused to give more info about his mysterious visitors. I was suspicious and pissed. Everything these days is blame public workers, it’s all their fault. Yep, it’s their fault that the average public employee is equally qualified and educated as private sector employees but paid at least 4% less than a private sector employee doing the same job. But anyway, of course it turns out that this councilmember made the whole thing up and is now trying to change his story to make it more plausible.
  • Financial Crisis Was Avoidable, Inquiry Finds: “A Congressional inquiry said bankers and regulators could have seen the 2008 crisis coming and stopped it.” NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.

Based on my little sampling of today’s news stories and my commentary, I don’t understand at all why no one would pay me for my opinions on things other than consumer goods. (Eye roll.) Seriously, though, am I any less qualified than half of the talking heads on TV? No siree. My resume is ready for whoever is interested.

*Although to some extent that is what I do at BlogHer, although I only wish it was $100 per hour.