Last year, not long before graduation, I went to a supplemental seminar at school. The topic was how to give good public readings, which for reasons beyond me, I always first thought of as how to give good head. That would have probably been a more interesting class. The instructor began by telling us that we needed to know our audience. "A is for audience" he said, and I rolled my eyes. "U is for understanding," he continued. "Who is in the audience? You should understand what they expect." Clearly, he did not know his audience because as he went down the list ("D is for..."), we all tuned out and pondered what a class about giving good head would have been like.

However, the lesson of knowing one's audience is actually important. I was struck recently by two ludicrous pieces of junk mail that I received. The first, and most pernicious, was from a crazy-town anti-choice group called Live Action. It was some nutso rant against Planned Parenthood and their abortion mills and blah blah blah. They sent me their ravings because they wanted me to write about them, their "victories" for the dead babies or whatever the fuck they think they are doing rather than harming the world. Their leader, Lila Rose, is a cuntface moron with her fake "sting operations" and heavily edited "undercover exposes."

In a way, they did know their audience: here I am writing about them. I am pretty sure they did not intend for me to write something that calls their leader a cuntface moron, so in that sense, they probably should not have sent me anything demonstrating that she is, in fact, a cuntface moron. If there is anyone I hate in this universe, it is cuntface morons and their minions.

The sillier junk mail arrived via the postal service. It was an ad from Bank of America for a new Cubs credit card. "We know you are one of the Cubs' biggest fans," it said, or something like that. (I threw it out, so I'm paraphrasing here.) My first thought is that if I am one of the Cubs biggest fans, than the Cubs must have some extremely pathetic people rooting them on. Now, in 1984, I was a huge Cubs fan, and I followed them closely through the 1980s. But that was a long time ago, and I probably should not have had a credit card when I was eight. I seriously wonder what database the brains at B of A were using for that campaign.

Anyway, know your audience. I am pretty sure that the readers of CUSS will not mind me calling Lila Rose a cuntface moron or mocking B of A. If you do, tough shit - you are probably the wrong audience.