Long Shorts with Pockets, Please

April 27th, 2011 by Suzanne | Filed under Asshole idiots, Damn, evil, fashion Suzanne-style, other rants, random, What is wrong with people?.

Dear Women’s Athletic Apparel Manufacturers:

I appreciate that you understand that women should be active and earn your livings by producing clothing to enable us ladies to engage in physical fitness. However, what is wrong with you? Most of you seem to produce clothing for men and women, and of course, the men’s gear is a jillion times better.

First off, almost all shorts made for men have pockets. You seem to understand that men carry shit with them – like keys and ID and money and music machines and maybe even inhalers or tissues – when they run. Guess what? Women need those items too! Especially asthmatic ones! Those little “key pockets” are nice for a key, but otherwise they are fucking bullshit. I need to carry my inhaler with me, just in case. Where shall I put it in your pocketless shorts?

This brings us to the length of shorts. Men’s shorts come in a variety of lengths, from the short running kind to straight legs that extend to their knees. Women’s shorts, on the other hand, come in two sizes: short and even shorter. It’s not just that I look atrocious in these items, although that is bad enough. The bigger problem is that my fat thighs do not appreciate the lack of fabric between them. Chafing. Fucking. Hurts. Sure, I could go out and buy a separate pair of somewhat longer spandex shorts to wear under the running shorts, but why not just make longer shorts? I don’t wear Spandex because I hate having anything too tight on while I am sweating, particularly in my cooter region.

Speaking of tight, why is every damn piece of clothing “semi-fitted?” I like to be able to breathe and let the air cool me down. I don’t need Dry-Fit or Dry-Weave or whatever fabric clinging to my sweaty body. Nor do I love that these “semi-fitted” shirts do not flatter my tummy bulge. I just want something nice and loose. Guess who has that option? Men! Can you please extend me the same courtesy?

Thanks for listening. I suspect that there are a lot of women out there with these issues. If you take up some variety in styles and add pockets, you might make some more money. It’s a win-win situation.


Suzanne Reisman

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5 Responses to “Long Shorts with Pockets, Please”

  1. TJ says:

    So the truth. I walk two dogs. I’d like to have my phone with me in case of an emergency. None of my walking shorts have pockets big enough for it. Drives me nuts. I usually put it in my bra. Because that’s comfortable. Right! If I drive them somewhere and have keys, they get tied within my shoelaces. Freaking ridiculous. And about the dri-weave shit- if you have the wrong kind of underwear material on, it sticks to it, which has them riding all over your ass in a bad way. Seriously. Is it this hard to make shorts?

  2. Suzanne says:

    After looking at several sporting goods stores and websites, I gave up on my quest to find women’s shorts that were functional. I was very intrigued, though, to find that every product on the Adidas website that had pockets had at least one comment from someone saying how much she appreciated the pockets because it is so hard to find items with pockets and she needed them.

    Fortunately for me, I can wear boys’ shorts. It turns out that they are a nice length and have deep pockets. Love how boys are given space to store things while women are not. Gah!

  3. NoR says:

    And also, women’s climbing pants do not have gusseted crotches. What, women do not lift their legs? You want all men to see camel toe?

  4. lizriz says:

    Amen about pockets. I try really hard to never buy any bottom that doesn’t have pockets, but it is a massive challenge, especially when it comes to skirts. :)

  5. Suzanne says:

    Good point on skirts. Dress pants are terrible about pockets, too. What is up with this pocketless insanity?!?!

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