Having a career has always been important to me. When I was a teenager, I decided that I would never become part of the patriarchal institution of marriage. Even if I had wanted to get married, I was certain that I would never find a man who would really treat me as his partner. I was sure that I would have relationships, just not ones that I would want to be part of forever. Then when I was 19, I met Husband. He wasn't even the person I dreamed of, since I didn't waste my time dreaming about anyone. Within a year, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Almost sixteen years later, this is still true. When one of us is away, I miss him. It's not so bad if it is for a day or two or even three, but when it gets up to more than a week, my loneliness for him can almost overwhelm me. Obviously, I get through it.

In the summer of 2008, his boss asked him to move to Europe to open an office of their company there. At the same time, it looked like I might get into the MFA program at The New School. I decided that I wanted to attend the program badly enough that he would go overseas while I stayed in New York. I figured that I would see him a few times each semester and have winter and summer breaks with him. I was terrified that the distance and time apart would change our relationship and possibly destroy it, but Husband thought we'd be fine. Fortunately, the economy worsened (now that's a phrase I don't write often!) and his boss decided not to go through with the expansion plans.

Now, however, I am torn. I saw a Fellowship program that enables one person every year to work with a Jewish community abroad. An opportunity like that could change my career. I would not only have significant meaningful experience in community work with a community I want to spend more time with, but also have a chance to live in Warsaw, which I feel would help me in writing my book about my family. It would be amazing. But Husband can't move to Europe for a year, so I would have to go alone. I don't know if I could do that, but I don't know that I could forgive myself for denying myself a chance to do something extraordinary.

The Fellowship requires me to get four letter of recommendations by Jan. 15. Before I waste anyone's time during the holidays, I need to decide what I want to do. I'm not going to apply if there's even a chance that I would not accept it if I was lucky enough to be offered the Fellowship, but I also think it is just too good to pass up the possibility. I gave myself a deadline of Monday.

Damn, it is hard to be an adult sometimes.

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