After a long day of family nuttiness, my mom, Husband, Dana, Ryan, and I gathered in the living room. Somehow we began mocking Husband, insisting that he had a crush on my aunt. "It makes sense," I said. "He likes crabby, bossy women."

"Yeah, he wants to do her," Ryan said.

Husband said nothing. He got up off the couch and went upstairs to use the bathroom.

"Notice that he didn't deny it," Dana said. "He can't lie because he'd turn bright red."

"He probably is masturbating right now," Ryan said.

We all laughed and laughed, assuming that he couldn't hear us (not that he didn't know we were making fun of him).

The toilet flushed. The sink went on and off. Husband emerged from the bathroom. When he re-entered the living room, he stopped to face us. "You're out of tissues and lotion," he announced.