Husband sent the following email to Steph:

Dear Ms. Adams,

Your dear father and mother, Mr. and Mrs. Adams, respectively, were quite kind in their invitation of my wife, Ms. Reisman, and I to their spring estate in Ocean City, NJ. As their eldest daughter, I presume that you are in charge of provisions for weekend guests. Accordingly, I would like inform you of our requirements for our visit:

- Fresh flowers should be exhibited in all rooms that Ms. Reisman and I will occupy, including, but not limited to the entry foyer, the dining parlor, the billiards room, the sleeping chamber and all water closets;

- One pair of gentleman's soft sole genuine sheepskin slippers with fleece lining in a light shade must be made available for my exclusive use. Ms. Reisman prefers suede moccasins of any color;

- Toiletries should include handcrafted aromatherapy soaps, Irish Spring body wash, Bvlgari Eau Parfumee Au The Blanc Shampoo, and a conditioner with fresh pomegranate. Ms. Reisman may also care to douche, so please be sure to offer at least two varieties of scented vaginal wash;

- The ice box should contain two large bottles of Pellegrino, a covered quart-sized bowl of tuna salad mixed with four ounces of Iranian caviar, a jar of coarse seed Dijon mustard and one head of Bibb lettuce;

- Daily editions of leading international papers in their native languages - Financial Times, Ha'aretz, El Mundo, Le Monde, New York Times, Kom Chad Luek and Philippine Star. Please do not substitute any of these periodicals with USA Today.

Please note that decorative carpets and wall hangings are encouraged to help create an environment similar to that of the homes of my far wealthier friends. Although I am sure you will pursue these indications with the greatest of efforts, I would like to remind you that our comfort and well-being is of the highest concern to your parents.

With limited regard, Ms. Reisman's Husband

Steph forwarded me this email with the comment, "Your husband is a maniac!!!"

Seriously! He knows damn well that I do not approve of douche and would never use such a vile substance!

5 Comments