When I found the package in my mailbox, I was suspicious. My name was on the first line, but the second line indicated that it would be OK for the current resident to keep it if I was not longer at this address. The return package was a PO Box. Definitely not something I ordered. I hoped that it wasn't a mail bomb. Not only for my sake, but also because it wouldn't be very nice to let a random person open it if I had moved. I ripped open the package, figuring that if it were going to explode, opening it slowly would not help. Inside was a book. "Ten Amazing Jews: They Thought for Themselves" the cover read. "Over a MILLION copies in print," it also said. (Note: It said "in print," not "sold.") What the FUCK?, I wondered.

The book came with a letter. Here's what it says (with commentary by me in italics):


Dear Friend, How about Roman, Countryman? Who the fuck is this? I am an Israeli-American Jewish man whom God has extraordinarily blessed. Here we go... I had a dream in which I was instructed to write a book about ten amazing Jewish people. There are now over 850,000 copies of that book in print and most have been distributed to Jewish people around the world. How did I get so lucky as to be a doubly chosen one? My book contains ten dramatic true stories of Jewish people, including: a Jewish Holocaust survivor who wanted to burn churches, a Ph.D. who knows 12 Semitic languages, a Wall Street tycoon who was worth $120 million, a world-class concert pianist from the former Soviet Union, as well as others. It also includes the details of my own personal story (chapter 6).

You may wonder why I am sending you this book as a gift. (In fact, that is exactly what I was wondering. How did you know?) It is because I believe it will give you the tools to achieve greatness. Great! It's like "The Secret" for Jews! If you follow the advice of these ten Jewish people, I believe you will obtain the same results. Perfect! I love cults! I thought money could buy peace, love, health and a good marriage. My information came from Hollywood and television. They lied! But you will find the true answers in this book. Oooh, I love true answers! I think husband probably disagrees with the first statement, though. Shalom and Love, Sid Israel Roth

After reading this great letter, I googled my man Sid. Turns out that Sid was set free from demonic oppression through a supernatural encounter with Jesus. This makes me laugh. The photo of Sid with his gangsta chain and menorah pendant makes me laugh harder. I'm disappointed, though, that this is just a Jews for Jesus type operation. I really hoped that by concentrating really, really hard, I could make all my wishes come true, one Jew at a time.