Because I decided to take a job that is at a skill set below what I have developed over the past twelve years so that I could work at a Jewish organization and get a lot of holidays off, I don't have work today. Nor do I have work tomorrow. Or next Monday or Tuesday. Thank goodness for the Babylonians and their freedom stories! Lest one think that I forsake my culture, I had a lovely abbreviated Seder with the in-law families last night. (I also have horrific gas because I overate, but that is another story.) Anyway, on to my discussion of the ten plagues. Yesterday I thought I'd write up one plague a day, but I realize that it makes sense to take on more than one per post or I will soon become boring. Heaven forbid! So gather round and I shall explain plagues two and three, frogs and lice.
After the first plague ended and Pharaoh revoked his promise to let the Israelites leave Egypt, Moses and his brother Aaron were forced to bring a second plague upon the land. Suddenly, everything was crawling with frogs. They got into bed with the Egyptians, showered with them, and joined them for dinner at fancy restaurants. The worst part was that the croakers would not shut the fuck up. Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, day and night. Even if the Egyptians did not believe they could get warts from the hoppers (since everyone knows that toads brings warts, geez!), the noise was unbelievable. Pharaoh's court magicians could not get rid of them, so he finally agreed to let the Jews go so long as Moses would get those green fucks out as well. Moses was like, "Right on. Just pick the time, and our God will shut the frogs up." At the appointed time, all the frogs died. I assume that the en masse deaths and subsequent decaying frog bodies stank as bad as when the water turned to blood. Maybe that's why Pharaoh changed his mind about letting the Jews abandon their positions as slaves.
Now God was pissed. If the shenanigans with blood and frogs didn't convince this Pharaoh shithead to let his peeps go, God had to unveil something really gross. So Aaron was instructed to stretch out his staff and strike the dust. The dust became lice. As one might imagine, there is a lot of dust in a desert. If you've ever had even a mild case of lice (as I did in 2nd grade), you know how unpleasant this is. Imagine a desert made of lice. Even though I think I read somewhere that ancient Egyptians were big into body hair removal (maybe even the original perpetrators of shaved snatch - we should really call Brazilian waxes Ancient Egyptian Exposed Cooter; I could be remembering wrong though), this was not cool. In fact, the Biblical scholar known as Wikipedia asserts that, "This plague killed the most people by far; bugs covered bodies in everyplace that you could not even touch." Yes, I am itching as I write this. Pharaoh must have been really fucking miserable (or maybe this is what made the Egyptians hate body hair, huh?), as he once agreed to let the Jews go.
And that is the story of frogs and lice. Tune in tomorrow for flies and livestock death!