Tonight is the first night of Passover. I decided that I will dedicate the next ten days to each of the ten plagues. For those who may be unfamiliar with the story of Passover, it originated around the time when the Jews were slaves in Babylonia. Everyone was upset and lo, a Babylonian myth about a baby fetched out of the water ("Moses," I recently learned, is not Hebrew in origin and means brought from the water)who goes on to free his people from bondage was adopted into the story we all know and love today. I know that is not what people are generally taught, but so it goes. Soon people won't learn about Thomas Jefferson, either. (OK, I'm digressing, sorry.) Anyway, one day, Moses observes an overseer beating a Jewish slave. In defending the slave, he goes overboard and kills the Egyptian. So he does what any prince who killed someone on accident would do and ran away so he wouldn't have to account for his actions. While he's wondering the desert, a burning bush starts chatting him up. The Bible says nothing about hallucinations, though, because it's God who wants to have a heart-to-heart and what better way to get a dude's attention that to set a bush afire and talk through it? (Some might prefer other sorts of talking bush, but if I keep digressing, I'll never get to the plagues.)
The bush/God tells Moses to go back to Egypt and demand that pharaoh free the Jews. (If Egypt was anything like NYC, it was being grossly overdeveloped, so this would be good for the Egyptians from a planning perspective as well. I'm just saying.) Instead of saying, "What the fuck?", Moses goes back to Egypt as commanded. Pharaoh is not at all into the plan (he's sort of like Donald Trump and likes big ugly luxury buildings), so Moses says that God will fuck them up. Pharaoh's like, "Whatev."
Then the first plague arrives. God turns all the Egyptians' water into blood. It reeked. So Pharaoh said to get the fuck out as long as the smell would go away. Yay! The Jews rejoiced. The blood went away. Pharaoh was all George W. Bush then and reneged on his promise, leading to the second plague, which I will recount tomorrow.