>As I contemplated my return to school at the end of the month,
nervousness seized me by the balls and squeezed. Was I scared that
someone would again compare my sentences to Oscar Meyer bologna? Did
I fear that my literal interpretation of Sebold's "The Emigrants"
would inspire laughter in my peers? No. I wish.
Instead, I sweated about whether the incoming class would have nice
and interesting people I would want to befriend. "I hope not," I told
my cousin. "I seriously don't have time for new friends right now.
I'm busy enough trying to fit everyone in as it is." What a fucking
asshole thing to say! It's so mortifying that I must share it over
the internets, as quite frankly, I have been missing my blog friends
enormously and wish that we lived closer together so that I could
worry about not having enough time to see them.
Some of my blog friends witnessed (and encouraged me to engage in)
hamsternapping at a recent blogging conference we attended, which was
an asshole thing to do, but when Maurice's twin is begging for
liberation, how can I just walk away? (Maurice is, of course, the
hamster who runs on the wheel that powers my brain. He's been very
happy since Herbert came to live on my nightstand.)
My thievery is extra relevant at this minute, as I contemplate my
asshole status (it could be bigger, I think - not that I will attempt
to achieve a higher rank of assholitude) from McDonald's, where
insomnia, a lack of food in my apartment, and a strange craving for a
cheeseburger sent me. I bought a Happy Meal. For less than $4, I got
a "beef" patty with cheese, sliced apples, and a small (refillable)
beverage of my choice. In addition, I received a Teeny Beanie, Pops
the Gorilla (aka "Pops, El Gorila" according to the plastic bag the is
suffocating the little guy). I realized two things: this is a lot of
stuff for a family on a tight budget; and I probably could have
obtained Herbert (formerly known as "Fluffball") through legitimate
Man, I clearly need sleep...
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