>Once upon a time, in a magical land called New York City, where unlike most of America, people from all around the world live together in relative peace and tolerance, lived a curmudgeonly woman with a heart of gold. Despite her loathing of people in general, Suzanne spent years working to create safer communities and better opportunities for low income children and women. Her reward was burn out and even more crabbiness and cynicism, so she quit to write a fun book about New York City called Off the Beaten (Subway) Track. While this excellent publication entertained many people, it did not contribute very much to her household income, so she continued her work to make the world a better place through consulting.

As Suzanne worked on a project this morning, she knocked over her circa 1981 McDonald's Great Muppet Capers glass (featuring the only Muppet she despises, Miss Piggy). Water spilled everywhere, including under the couch. Grumbling, Suzanne set off to fetch paper towels (incidentally, "I've got some paper towels!" is a favorite line from "The Great Muppet Caper") and mop up the wet mess before her conference call.

As she labored on her knees (not that kind of work that a woman might perform while kneeling, pervert) with a wad of paper towels, she made a discovery. Somewhere from under the depths of the couch popped out a single emerald jelly bean. Suzanne could not remember the last time jelly beans were consumed in her apartment, so she knew immediately that, unlike the Teddy Graham she found under her other couch while moving furniture around on Sunday, that this morsel of food was magic! (This was one of many reasons that she fought an extremely disturbing temptation to eat it. The last thing she needs these days is a beanstalk erupting from her gut like on one the aliens in Alien.)

Suzanne set the magic green jelly bean aside and finished sopping water from the floor. She decided that in the event that Team New George Bush wins the election in November that she will plant it in Central Park. When the beanstalk appears, she will climb it and run away from the cretins who love increasingly fascist rulers who believe that God wants them to build $30 million natural gas pipelines, ban books, and turn the civil service into an ideological gang of bullies.