Dear Elected Official,
I know that there are many serious issues our country is supposedly facing right now (and I say supposedly because mostly we don't do anything productive about them, not because they are not serious), but I must point out a very important problem we as a nation experienced yesterday: the 4th of July fell on a Wednesday. Many of us freedom (from work)-loving citizens found this distracting. We had to work on Monday and Tuesday, then go right back to work on Thursday and Friday unless we wanted to use vacation or personal days. Is it not the right of every American to enjoy a long weekend as the result of non-religious federal holidays?
If you would pass a law banning the 4th of July from falling on a Wednesday that would resolve this upsetting situation. Since I know that Congress has little to no control over the calendar, I find it acceptable for the law to say that if the 4th of July falls on a Wednesday, as a nation, it will officially be observed the following day. Then we can have fireworks on the evening of the 4th and no one will have to go to work the next day. (Lovable but unpatriotic haters like Suebob can skip the fireworks, though, and still get the next day off. They need it to soothe their dogs' frayed nerves.)
I am concerned that not passing this law shows that you have no respect for the hard work of our Founding Fathers (and their wives, like Abigail Adams who often gave them good ideas and got no credit). Every year, we show our love for past presidents by guaranteeing that Presidents' Day falls on a Monday. Memorial Day and Labor Day are also cherished days on every American's calendar. I know that people generally don't give a rat's ass about veterans (other than lip service about our gratitude for making the world free and shit), which is why the Veteran's Administration health system gets cut every year, so it makes sense that Veteran's Day remain on Nov. 11. No need to give people a long weekend to celebrate them, which is the point: do we want to lump the birth of our nation in with Veteran's Day? No! We want people to have time to spend with their families, overeating hot dogs (or in my case, dumplings) and getting into arguments about how to best cut a chocolate chip cookie cake frosted with a big old American flag without worrying about finishing the rest of the week at work.
This law will be the best thing to happen to our nation since we founded it, you'll get the love of the people forever, and it was all my brilliant idea! I am sure that bipartisan support will be easy to garner, and the idiot in the big chair at the White House will sign it right away into law, as he loves taking long vacations, so he'll get it.