>If I make it to my 70th birthday, I think I shall celebrate by getting a tattoo that says, “Who are you judging, you judgmental motherfucker?” I assume this would be on my back, which is the largest canvas I can provide for such thought-provoking art, although it would be awesome if it could fit on my upper arm. I’ll wait until I am 70 because one of the many things preventing me from getting any tattoos at this stage of my life is fear of distortion as my body changes and skin stretches. By 70, it’ll hopefully have gone through enough changes that it should be safe. Or I won’t see well enough to tell the difference.

Plus, everyone loves feisty little elderly women. (Think Sophia Petrillo.) Tattoos that say “motherfucker” are just rude and obnoxious on the young, and pathetic and sad on the middle aged, but heeeelarious of aged flesh. If we lose touch, check back with me in 39 years to see if I grew the balls to implement my brilliant plan.