>Earlier this month, I decided that I need a bit more structure to my pursuit of writing, and perused craigslist.org looking for some writing gigs. Giddiness ensued with this gem:
Hips and Curves.com is looking for copywriters!
Product descriptions – We need 75 – 150 word product descriptions, that don’t read like product descriptions. We want entertaining - smart, funny, visceral and sensual. Whatever your style is. Send 1-3 samples of copy you’ve written from any products on our site. You don’t have to copy our style. Show us your own unique voice.
Please send your writing samples and a little bit of info about yourself, in the body of an email. We can’t open attachments.
Oh, how much fun could I have with this? Lots and lots, if I could manage to say nice things about the products. Which was hard because my usual tendency is to mock the fuck out of ludicrous lingerie, not praise it. (Sort of like in Julius Caesar when Antony - I think - says that he comes not to bury Caesar, but praise him; it's called lying.) I mean, my initial reaction to this outfit: is "Direct from Abu Ghraib Prison, a bizzare torture device that humiliates and mocks all the is good in life." or "Nothing says 'alien sex' like this space suit."
Still, I think I have it in me to be creative and say nice things. So I sent an application email, as requested:
Dear Sir or Madam:
After working almost 10 years in the nonprofit world, I am seeking positions that utilize my creativity and writing skills in a different way. Writing freelance product descriptions for hipsandcurves.com seems like an extremely exciting and fun opportunity for me.
For years, I have been an advocate of women’s sexuality and a foe of “sizism” that tries to shame larger women into hiding their bodies. It is obvious that women who are confident in their abilities and comfortable in their own skin are sexy no matter what their size. There is nothing that annoys me more than the stick-figure waifs with plastic breasts who appear in other lingerie catalogues.
I look forward to discussing this exciting freelance opportunity with you. Please find my three sample product descriptions below...
Bridal G-String with Train
Here comes the bride! While the wedding guests might admire the blushing bride’s beautiful face under her veil during the ceremony, this sexy-but-innocent plus size g-string highlights a different set of cheeks for the groom to appreciate. It comes complete with a sweet sating bow and sheer veil in the back, and a sparkly appliqué in the front. A guaranteed husband pleaser, relive the happiest night of a woman’s life by wearing it again and again! Add to the allure with a pair of white lace top stay up stockings or opera length stretch gloves. G-string available in size XXL, which best fits 1X - 3X.
Leather Biker Cap
Vroom vroom! Rev engines with this hot leather biker cap, and rope in your bad boy with the sexy chain dangling over the brim. This cap is a must to complete any biker chick outfit. You can’t rule the open road without it.
Hot Pink Patent Corset
Electrify any room when you strut your stuff in this super sexy plus size patent corset. Nothing sizzles more than its hot pink and black panels and lace-up back. Light inner boning supports your bust and creates unforgettable cleavage. Class it up with a satin pop-up hat or keep it kinky with a vinyl ruffled mini skirt. Either way, the matching hot pink g-string and detachable garters will definitely melt your man’s eyes and set his loins on fire.
I thought I did a very good job (I didn't even make a crack -heh heh- about the waxed snatch requirements of these getups!), but unfortunately, I got a passive agressive rejection (i.e. - "Thanks for applying! You are a great writer! We'll be collecting writing samples over the nexxt few weeks and then calling only those we are interested in. Good luck with your writing career!") So much for achieving your dream.