>For the holidays, Des's company management re-gifted swag that they received to the peon employees. This actually made me feel slightly better about my former employer. Sure, they refuse to promote you until you've already been doing the work of the higher level for at least a year,* but they never re-gifted shit.

Anyway, Des thought the free cosmetics were old lady bland, thus they sounded perfect for me and she re-re-gifted them to me. The case included a guide called "Your Gift." The guide explained the products that were in the gift. I was about to throw some of it away until I read the following description:

Ultimate Lifting Creme
Endow your skin with amazing powers. This remarkable crème combines the very latest anti-aging technology with precious ingredients to bring you instant gratification plus measurable, long-term effects. Apply AM/PM, after cleansing, to look younger, radiant and lifted.

Amazing powers?!?! Precious ingredients?!?! Instant gratification? How exciting! You know what this means: experiment time!

After washing up in my post-workout shower, I had Husband photograph me. Then I smeared on the Utlimate Lifting Creme and had him take another picture. The results:

Before After

HOLY SHIT!!!! That stuff truly has amazing powers! Including time travel, it seems, to make you younger. Good thing I didn’t apply more or I might have been reduced to 23 chromosomes in my mother’s ovary.** Keep this potential WMD (weapon of mass displacement) away from the Bush administration, that's all I can say.

*Or they like you or you happen to be in the right place at the right time even if you are not qualified. Whatever.
**OK, OK. It really made me look no different than before. Although it smelled nice and I kind of wanted to eat it.