>When Elli came to visit me on Friday night, she immediately handed me a copy of the latest issue of Cosmo. “I read this on the train, and you’ve gotta see this.” (Disclaimer: this was just junk food for her brain on the train ride.)

“This” was a very tiny blurb in the Beauty Q&A section:

Q: Is it safe to spray perfume down there?
It’s not dangerous, just drying. Most scents are alcohol-based and can zap moisture levels, says urologist Jennifer Berman, of Brentwood, California. Instead, spritz on an alcohol-free essential oil, like SweetSpot Balancing Mist, $12.

Oh, where to begin? First, what is that bullshit “down there? It’s got a name. Actually, the vaginal area has so many names that it is a crime to say “down there and then giggle and blush as if you were in 5th grade. May I suggest: snatch, beaver, pussy, cootch, cootie, crotch, cunt, poon, poonanie, vag, vajayjay, tunnel of love, birth canal, Bermuda triangle, squeeze box, clam, muff, box, “butter biscuit” (thanks Grandma!), daisy, hoo-ha, whim-wham, “eye that weeps most when best pleased,” fur pie, fuck hole, twat, honey hole, alter of hyman, chach, coochie, poontang, slit, tuna, vulva, or yoni. If I missed something here, feel free to add your favorite in the comments. I’m sure that UrbanDictionary also has a long list.

Now that we’ve resolved my first beef with this blurb, let’s move on to the second. Why the fuck would anyone spray perfume on her snatch? It needs perfume about as much as it needs douche, which is to say not at all. Here’s some useful advice: if your crotch reeks, take a shower or bath. If it still is rank, go see a doctor because something might be wrong. Use the $12 you saved and buy a CUSS thong or something. Damn.