>Baby, it’s cold outside, but things sure heated up in my apartment tonight as Duct Tape Suzanne modeled all of the sexiest fashions from my local Victoria’s Secret outlet! Some people may be glued to the TV tonight, watching half starved giantesses flaunt their wares, but here at CUSS we bring you “real” lingerie action! Is it sad that the proportions of a duct tape model are more achievable for most women than those of the live women on TV? Are they any sexier than my duct tape doppelganger? Remember: you are only as sexy as you feel….

First, some vital stats on the model for the model:
Height: 5’1”
Weight: 125ish
Bust: 35
Waist: 27
Hips: 37

The evening’s model, Duct Tape Suzanne, however, has no arms, legs, or especially head. We here at CUSS know what people really want to see when they view a lingerie fashion show, so why waste time with extraneous body parts? Speaking of wasting time, on with the show!

To kick off the evening, may I present the first sizzling number. The “Secret Embrace” is all over the Victoria’s Secret catalogues, ads, and in their store fronts, so we know it must be good.

Free of charge, this bra comes with two mini pillows in the cups, so you never worry about where to lay your head if you need a spur-of-the-moment nap. Perfect for narcoleptics! Some of the “Secret Embrace” bras are even reversible! (not the undies, though. You should still wash them between wear, especially thongs.) Unfortunately, it is also made of a material that feels like a weird foamy rubber. If I were Duct Tape Suzanne, I’d be picking that strange material out of my ass crack all day. But I’m not, and you probably aren’t either, so you can buy this set online if you want. Bra, $58 as pictured; thong; $16 but on sale 3 for $30. Whadda deal!

What is sexy? I think we all agree that pink is precious, but slightly naughty when paired with black! Wait til you see this innocent-yet-bad number as it digs into my soft flesh!

Yes, this hot little item from French designer Chantal Thomass can be yours for only $38 in stores! If you prefer getting your crotch patch online, or you want to see how Victoria’s Secret presents it on a woman with no tummy or body hair, you can order it online for only $28! The bra is only availabe in stores and can dig into your ribs for only $68. (Waxing and liposuction not included.)

Another fantastic and exotic store-only find is this Chantal Thomass black lace set.

Because who doesn’t find extraneous underwires jabbed you to be super hot, regardless of body type? The elegant thong nestles into my thighs and ass so perfectly.

Our next panties are perfect for people with digestive disorders, like me, or women who enjoy anal sex. (Not that I am relating the two.)

It’s like a little escape valve or emergency point of entry, when one just doesn’t have time to rip off her thong before the action happens. For our most urgent moments, buy this in stores for $16. Stock up if you get lots of sloppy action: 3 for $30. Why risk it?

If the thongs above are too much coverage for you, and the Chantal v-string a bit too pricey, no fears! You too can have a string in your ass all day long and no butt coverage for much less! Introducing the Angels v-string.

Note how it covers nothing on Duct Tape Suzanne, just like the more expensive designer one, yet has the fine feminine details we all crave on our crotch patches. You sacrifice nothing, since there is nothing to it, yet the Angels satin v-string is only $14! Click above and its only a credit card away. Marvelous!

Finally, to get into the holiday spirit, Giselle – the very same fashion model who dated Leonardo DiCaprio! – brings you the very same “skirt” she wore on the “cover of the Christmas Dreams and Fantasies Catalogue 2006”! (Yes, there is actually a high quality cream cardboard tag attached by safety pin to the skirt that assures me that this is true!)

I’m sorry to report that the bra on Duct Tape Suzanne is not the same one in the online catalogue on Giselle, and is only available in stores. Fortunately, this bra is scratchy as hell, constantly reminding you of its presence. You that you paid good money for that, you wouldn’t want to forget you were wearing it or something, would you? Actually, I almost think that Duct Tape Suzanne looks nicer in this outfit than Giselle does. She’s not wearing it as low on her hips as Giselle. Nor does Duct Tape Suzanne have legs, so it’s hard to see how hideous that would look on real Suzanne. Still, it is a nice way to end the show. Both items retail for $58.

Sorry Justin Timberlake was unable to perform, but I hope that Duct Tape Suzanne generated enough excitement on her own. As I am sure this was the most viewed fashion show on the web tonight, I’ll hold a press conference tomorrow morning to debrief.

Thank you for attending, and I hope you found what you were looking for in our hardworking Duct Tape Suzanne model!