>Since my exciting new Hanes hipster cotton underwear costing less than $1.50 per pair, turned out to be not such a great deal, I braved the wilds of Macy’s today, which is having a mega blowout sale. Battling crowds of savages, I fought my way through the “intimates” department. Ida Lupino would be proud.

Of course, the entire lingerie section was on sale except for the underwear that I wanted. At $18 for 3 pairs, I turned up my nose and went hunting for sports bras. I think you know what is coming next. Not one sports bra was on sale. Still, I had a coupon for $10 off a $25 purchase, so I picked up two. We’ll see how they work out as they are made of some weird stretchy material that is supposed to keep me “dry” while I am drenched in sweat. All I ask is that they hold my tits firmly in place while I run or whatever. Is that so much to want?

As I was approaching the labyrinthine checkout line, I saw a small display rack out of the corner of my eye. I rubbed them to make sure that I was not hallucinating, but the Holy Grail of underwear remained in front of me. Was it possible that the only brand of underwear that my fussy mother (and both grandmothers, which should tell you something) will wear was right here at Macy’s? The brand that I swear no one has produced since 1974 because they are so fuddy-duddy? With no elastic on the leg band, and an ass that could fit an entire football team? I picked up a package. Yep, they were Lollipops. (I am not making that up. “Lollipops” is actually the name of the most old lady underwear on the market .) She’s been on the hunt for these for ages.

I had found the treasure of mi loca madre. At $15 for 3 pairs, it was a steal given that the buyer would walk away with a rare and ancient relic. My mother will be pleased. Happy early Hannukah!