>Theo is working it over at Theo is America’s Next Top Model. I have no idea what is actually going on with the show itself, whihc foolishly ignores this contender, but let them be warned: the bear is hot.

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>Oh, the earnestness! Sure, there’s practical advice, but don’t you love how I acted all experienced and shit? Nothing’s more erotic than Consumer Reports. Yeah.

Taking a safe route with condoms
The Washington Square News
Thursday, September 21, 1995

“Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site of the 50 children of Ramses II… Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?”
- Conan O’Brien on “Late Night”

While Conan O’Brien’s quote is certainly funny, his comment is also quite timely. The larger question behind O’Brien’s witticism is this: while we are continually beseeched to use condoms to prevent the spread of disease and pregnancy, no one bothers to tell people which condoms are the most effective. Even booklets that safe sex institutes distribute do not answer this question. One might assume that since using a condom is better than using nothing at all, that it really should not matter which kind one uses. However, it does make a big difference.

To begin with, condoms, when used properly and consistently, only fail approximately two or three percent of the time. When condoms are used with a vaginal spermicide, the failure rate is even lower. Koromex was recommended by a gynecologist. However, she also said that as long as the spermicide contained Nonoxynol-9 it does not make that much of a difference. Unfortunately, most people do not use condoms correctly and/or consistently, and as a result, the failure rate is commonly held to be 12 percent. Hence it is important to use them both consistently and properly for maximum protection.

If either partner is allergic to latex, use the new polyurethane condoms instead of those made with animal skin, which by nature have tiny holes. Gay men may want to use a lubricant with the spremicide Nonoxynol-9 (water-based lubes only; oil breaks down latex) as an extra precaution as well. To use a condom wisely, the following advice is offered: Read all instructions on the condom box. Open the individual packet gently only when you are ready to use it. If it looks discolored, or feels sticky or brittle, do not use it. It is spoiled. If there is no reservoir tip in the condom, make sure you leave a half-inch space at the end to collect semen. Roll it on, and squeeze the air out. Remove the condom after ejaculation while the penis is still erect to prevent spillage. Remember, only proper use of a condom, along with a separate spermicide, can greatly reduce the chance of pregnancy or the spread of STDs.

As for which brands of condoms are best, Consumer Reports tested 37 brands for breakage and leakage rates. It is scary to note that Trojans, the brand most often used in the U.S., has 6 varieties that failed breakage tests (air-inflation tests). These types are: Trojan Extra Strengths (!), Trojan Mentors, Trojan Plus, Trojan Very Thin, Trojan-Enz, and Trojan Non-Lubricated. Another condom that failed CR’s tests was LifeStyles Ultra Sensitive. (Friends have also reported high breakage rates with these, so stay away!) On the flip side, the three best condoms were Excita Extra Ultra-Ribbed with spermicide (which, incidentally, has been since renamed Sheik Excita Extra Ribbed), Ramses Extra Ribbed with spermicide (so much for O’Brien’s theory), and Sheik Elite (renamed Sheik Classic). All three passed CR’s stringent tests with perfect scores. Unfortunately, Exita and Ramses Extra Ribbed carry slightly higher price tags, but what’s a few extra cents when your life may be on the line? The good news is the Sheik Elite are the ones given out by NYU dorms and the Health Center for free. Keep in mind, though, that spermicide on a condom should not replace a separate spermicide.

On a more intimate testing basis, Anka Radakovich, the sex columnist for Details magazine, also reported on prophylactics. She noted that Bareback condoms lives up to its motto. (“You’ll hardly know it’s there. It’s like wearing nothing at all.”) Needless to say, it broke. Radakovich says that the LifeStyles Vibra-Ribbed condom, which incidentally tested very well in Consumer Reports and should not be confused with LifeStyles Ultra Sensitive, made her feel as if she was “being pumped while driving over speed bumps.” What a turn on!

Kimono condoms tend to be rather small, and thus the plus size is recommended for men who are well endowed. Radakovich also tested Reality, the female condom. The company that produces Reality claims that when used properly and consistently, it has a failure rate of 5 percent. It is made of polyurethane and has two flexible rings at either end. Reality can be inserted up to eight hours before intercourse and Radakovich says it is “filled with a gooey, dripping lubrication made from silicone.” She also reports that Reality makes noise when it is used and after the act was done, “pulling it out was like pulling out a water balloon filled with man-splooge. Twisting the outer ring has the same feeling as closing a lawn and garden bag with a twist tie.” Enough said.

It may also be helpful to note that polyurethane is supposedly more resistant to tears than latex, and male condoms made from it, under the name Avanti, are available. Now that you know which condoms are the best, you have no excuses not to use them. They are relatively cheap forms of birth control and protection from diseases and are easy to obtain. Also, they can be quite erotic when included in sexual foreplay. Practice putting condoms on beforehand in a comfortable place where you have plenty of time to yourself. Condoms do not necessarily take the spontaneity out of sex. And they can even be fun. Use them.

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>Given that my special irritance with our culture these days is the pressure for women to wax or shave their cooties, one might naturally assume that I would not write an article saying that the world needs more porn. In porn, it makes perfect sense to have shaved beaver so you can see more of the action; bare lips make for hot close ups. Life, however, should not so closely resemble porn. Porn is great for fantasies, and sometimes fantasies are better off remaining that way. What do you have to look forward to in life if all your fantasies come true, and all that garbage?

Also, I don’t really think that porn is responsible for the spread (heh heh) of Brazilian waxing. I read an interview in Bitch magazine a while ago with a woman who wrote a book about women working in the sex industry. (I wrote about this before, but I can’t find it.) The author said that if porn was responsible for making Brazilian waxes trendy, it would be called a “porno wax,” not a Brazilian. Excellent point!

When I think about how we found ourselves in the situation where you can’t read one damn women’s magazine without being subjected to the glories of waxing and why every woman need to do or she will be hideous and unlovable, I blame the inexplicable rise in the popularity of thongs and g-strings. It is impossible to look decent in either of these torture devices while rocking a pubic ‘fro.

Incidentally, there is little chance in hell to look good in these “undergarments” if you have an ounce of fat or cellulite on you. Yes, average woman, this means you. This is why I cannot understand why anyone wants to wear them. And don’t give me that shit about panty lines and tight pants, because I still see plenty of lines when women wear stings in their asses instead of regular ass-coverers. The lines are just different types. Instead of a line circling the top of a woman’s thigh, I find myself staring at the Bermuda triangle that formed above her ass. Thus, wearing a thong to deflect attention from “panty lines” is a miserable failure.

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>The evening news is utterly unwatchable. It’s not just that the quality of reporting is depressing, but the news itself still causes me to want to move into a cave and live a hermetic life. For example, I watched the ABC evening news on Friday. Three stories made me want to set out on a shooting rampage.

First, there was a report that I only saw the end of, but had something to do with Vietnam veterans. The final quote from one of the vets was, “Vietnam was different than Iraq. In Vietnam, we wanted to overthrow the government, but in Iraq, we want to help.” Riiiiiight. The goal of the Iraq invasion had nothing to do with removing their government and replacing it with one of our choice. Help me if people actually think this.

The next news item was about the FDA’s re-approval of silicone breast implants. I am all in support of scientific evidence. I understand that there is no scientific evidence that conclusively links silicone leaking out of implants and carousing through a person’s body to other ailments. However, I also understand that there is no conclusive evidence that there is no long term effect. Can I remind people that silicone breast implants are a completely elective and cosmetic procedure? Lives are not saved with breast implants. And how jolly that silicone fake tits resemble real ones more closely than saline fake tits, as the traitorous woman plastic surgeon gushed on TV. Guess what most resembles real tits? Yes, real tits. Ladies, leave the girls alone! If you are sad and lonely, it is not because your tits are too small. Breast implants will not make your life better. Appreciate who you are instead of having bags full of weird chemicals stuffed into your chest. If you still insist on a boob job, and 15 or 20 years later, you are all fucked up because you have silicone blood, don’t come crying to me. I hope your insurance rejects all your claims because it pisses me off that I have to pay to fix something that never should have happened in the first place.

Sigh. Onto my next beef with the world. Hey! It’s the medical “profession” again! It seems that more and more doctors have decided that the practice of medicine includes theology. So if a woman is raped and asks for emergency contraceptive because she might kill herself if she wound up pregnant as a result, doctors needn’t consider what is best for the patient, but what the voice of Jesus/Shiva/Buddha/L. Ron Hubbard/Lubavitcher Rebbe in their heads want. So it’s completely subjective and interpretive. Whatever. Medicine is really about playing God anyway, right?

On the bright side, CNN had a nice interview with Richard Linklater about the horrors undocumented workers are subjected to after meat packing companies lure them here for jobs. It is nice to see someone stand up for undocumented workers, some of the most vulnerable people living in the US, and finally place the blame for the rise in illegal immigration where it belongs, which is on the giant companies that knowingly recruit them for jobs because it is easier to abuse them since they can’t complain about insanely dangerous working conditions.

At least I can flee the real world and hang out with Dr. H and Dr. P in shifts. They are lovely women. I don’t know what I would do without my pals.

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>There is one thing I hate more than being called Mrs. Husband. My name is Suzanne. When I introduce myself, I clearly state this. “Hi, I am SuzANNE,” I say. Not infrequently, the person I just gave my name to responds, “Hello Susan. Nice to meet you.” It must not be nice to meet me, as you are obviously speaking with someone else. Usually, I just restate my actual name and then the person is embarrassed and apologizes and all is fine from then on.

However, if I send you an email in response to a request like this:

I need responses from both men and women on the topic of bikini waxes. Guys: Do you prefer when a woman has her bikini area waxed (Brazilian wax, a topiary wax, etc.) or do you prefer “the natural look”? Or, does it just not matter? Ladies: Do you bikini wax? Why or why not? Is the pain worth the payoff? This is for Lavalife, a leading international dating site with more than 9 million members. This column also runs on MSN Canada.

I expect that you will get my name right. I sent it to you in print. It’s not like you can’t just copy and paste it.

While I am tickled pink that Lisa Daily found my insight on bikini waxing to be entertaining and used much of what I sent (score!), and even better, was kind enough to even put the CUSS URL in her piece on body hair for her Lavalife column (very much appreciated!), I am decidedly displeased that I am credited as “Susan Reisman.” That’s just sloppiness. Harumph. Although really, I so am happy that the CUSS URL is in the piece that it is forgiven.

But for future note, please do not call me Susan. Muchas gracias.

*Was American Pie not a shockingly great movie? Forget the sequels. The first was great.

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>Thursday was both exciting and a bummer. I was fortunate enough to get another article in Metro New York, so that was awesome. (It’s about porn and is a much improved version of something I wrote 11 years ago. Much.) Someone cool contacted me through MySpace, which was also great. Someone vaguely creepy sent me an email through CUSS:

Hello. Are yo [sic] the same Suzanne Reisman who wrote the column in today’s Metro? If so, nice job! And may I ask you a few questions about it, please? I’m asking first so that I don’t send a bunch of dirty words to someone who won’t appreciate them. Thanks.

No, don’t send me a bunch of dirty words. I promise that I will not appreciate them, either. (Note to family and friends: I am not worried about being stalked. Yet.) I am looking forward to seeing if anyone sends any letter to the editor at Metro about my column.

On the downside, I had two rejections for other articles. One was a rejection by neglect from the New York Times for an op-ed that I carefully crafted about fixing the child care system. They say if you don’t hear from them in a week, you can move on. Well, it’s been about a week (I sent it last Friday at 3 pm or so) and no word. Feh.

The other is another rejection on what I consider my comedy of errors masterpiece about my breast reduction surgery. So it goes.

On the plus side, I am making very good progress on another article. If all goes well, that will appear online at the end of November. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Also, my mom left a comment on a previous post that is busting me up. I will have to use the phrase “whim-wham” from now on. Brilliant. Like mother, like daughter.

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>

It seems that the Holy Grail of old lady underwear is easily purchasable online at FreshPair.com. Who knew? Also, my friend Dr. F (damn, I know a lot of people in the medical profession – a vagina doctor, an ass surgeon, and a dentist – who focus on body openings) sent me an email and said that her mom wears Lollipop underwear also. My mom was pleased when I told her that I found her Lollipos at Macy’s yesterday.

Don’t they sound like edible undies? Like you should be licking them or something? Either that, or the name strikes me as pedophalic (if that’s is even a word). Why would you name women’s underwear after a lickable/suckable candy given to children? Just curious. As for FreshPair.com, that also sounds rather perverse. They better damn well be “fresh” as opposed to “smelly” or “dirty” when I buy new underwear. I guess you need to spell things out in the wild and lawless world of virtual shopping.

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>Don’t you hate those commercials where people randomly tell you that they “didn’t know?” I’m thinking mostly of the one for the cancer drug Procrit, which helps generate new white blood cells for people undergoing chemo (if theire doctors did not tell them that chemo would destroy their immune systems, as they claim to not know in the commercial, then they are either not listening carefully or have extremely bad medical care) and the HPV vaccination. Well, yesterday, I found myself confronted with one of those shocking “I didn’t know” situations.

One of my more disgusting discoveries in recent years is that the best time to use Q-Tips to clean out my ears is right after I have a nice sweaty workout. It seems that the wax gets melted by my increased body temperature. (Gross, right?) So anyway, I walked into the locker room at my gym. As I reached for a Q-Tip, a naked, slightly overweight woman walked by. It as impossible to not see her Brazilian wax, and that’s when “I didn’t know” hit me.

I didn’t know that snatches can look flabby. I suppose I didn’t know that because thus far, either I’ve seen women with full bush or very thin women with Brazilians. But there it was. This woman in the locker room carried a few extra pounds (not unlike myself) and while overall she looked fine, the pube-less cootch struck me because it looked fatter than any other cootie I’d seen up until then.

Again, not that there is anything wrong with a fat snatch. I’m just saying I wouldn’t have even noticed it if she had a bit more pubic hair. This revelation just reaffirmed my decision to stay far away from the waxing salon. No need to add another insecurity into my life. (“Honey, does my snatch look fat today?”)

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>Since my exciting new Hanes hipster cotton underwear costing less than $1.50 per pair, turned out to be not such a great deal, I braved the wilds of Macy’s today, which is having a mega blowout sale. Battling crowds of savages, I fought my way through the “intimates” department. Ida Lupino would be proud.

Of course, the entire lingerie section was on sale except for the underwear that I wanted. At $18 for 3 pairs, I turned up my nose and went hunting for sports bras. I think you know what is coming next. Not one sports bra was on sale. Still, I had a coupon for $10 off a $25 purchase, so I picked up two. We’ll see how they work out as they are made of some weird stretchy material that is supposed to keep me “dry” while I am drenched in sweat. All I ask is that they hold my tits firmly in place while I run or whatever. Is that so much to want?

As I was approaching the labyrinthine checkout line, I saw a small display rack out of the corner of my eye. I rubbed them to make sure that I was not hallucinating, but the Holy Grail of underwear remained in front of me. Was it possible that the only brand of underwear that my fussy mother (and both grandmothers, which should tell you something) will wear was right here at Macy’s? The brand that I swear no one has produced since 1974 because they are so fuddy-duddy? With no elastic on the leg band, and an ass that could fit an entire football team? I picked up a package. Yep, they were Lollipops. (I am not making that up. “Lollipops” is actually the name of the most old lady underwear on the market .) She’s been on the hunt for these for ages.

I had found the treasure of mi loca madre. At $15 for 3 pairs, it was a steal given that the buyer would walk away with a rare and ancient relic. My mother will be pleased. Happy early Hannukah!

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>A few weeks ago, my friend Minnie mentioned that she went to a beauty supply store to buy some hair dye and was surprised to find pubic hair dye. My initial reaction was to wonder where I could find such a product to make fun of it. I reserve the right to a second opinion, and hereby invoke that right.

Yesterday, Min Jung Kim wrote about pube dye at BlogHer, and I decided that it is a good thing. Sure, it is silly as hell. But at least there is an assumption that you freaking have pubic hair in the first place. This is a good thing.

It seems that Husband knew people in college who were well ahead of the times, as he was friendly with one couple who used Manic Panic to dye the little head ‘fros violet to go with NYU’s school colors. I’m not sure why anyone would want to show their love of NYU (aka “The Evil Empire”) on their genitals, but whatever. Wacky college kids!

In a very tangentially related note, dying ones pubes blue for no reason at all reminds me that Husband knows someone who has his $250,000 Italian sports car custom colored to match the tapestries in his home. The compulsion to match crosses all socio-economic groups. Isn’t it nice to find common ground?

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