>Yesterday evening, I was feeling very down in the dumps. Thanksgiving was over, my sister went home, I had nothing going on with my writing, I missed seeing a movie with Des because I felt like shit, and I still felt like shit. I spent some time reading the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, which is about inspiration, when, ironically, inspiration hit.

Wedged between the pages of the uninspiring article on how inspiring Gwen Stefani is was an ad for TELEVISION’S SEXIEST NIGHT! VICTORIA’S SECRET FASHION SHOW, which will be on CBS on Tuesday, December 5th at 10/9C. At first, I was a bit cheered up because the model (Giselle, I think) pictured is wearing last year’s Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Bra. I’m not sure if they will be attempting to hawk it again this year since my research (calling the Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Gifts Hotline) last year indicated that no one bought it, or if they will unveil a new obscene waste of human and natural resources this year at the show. Either way, I thought I could get some mileage out of this insanity again this year, which pleased me.

As the night wore on, I thought more about the fashion show in general and how much I loathe it. Steve Holt’s objections regarding my article on porn, “Men who view porn enter long-term relationships… with expectations that their significant other simply cannot meet…” seem much more applicable to the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show than they do to porn. First, not that I am a connoisseur of porn, but not every woman who appears in a flick or picture is surgically enhanced or perfect. There is a fairly wide assortment of body types, some unrealistic, and some more like every day women. This is not the case for Victoria’s Secret models, as they are all at least 6 feet tall and weigh 110-125 lbs., then get the shit air brushed out of them. How does this make for realistic expectations for anyone? Also, anyone with a TV can watch these “angels” prance about in skimpy lingerie on network TV. Porn is not quite as accessible.

What sort of protest could I launch this year? I was inclined to take some pictures of myself in Victoria’s Secret underwear and compare my real, lumpy body to those the show and catalogue, but Husband reminded me that there was a reason that I recruited Theo and the Giant Stuffed Penis to do my dirty work in the past. (See: December 2005 and January 2006 archives for photos.) It’s a terrible idea to put pictures of myself in my undies on the net, even to make an Important Feminist Point that Limited Numbers of People Will See.

I pondered a bit. What if I bought a body stocking and stuffed it to my exact measurements, thus enabling “me” to model my underwear, but not actually model my underwear? I liked it. I liked it a lot. However, stuffing something to my specifications seems tricky. The drawback is potential deformity, thus less realism. Perhaps a plaster of paris mold of my torso would work better? The benefit of a plaster of paris mold is greater accuracy, with a drawback of less realism. (Underwear won’t cause flab to bulge out, as nothing will be soft, and boobs can’t get lifted by a bra.)

Advice, please! I know that many of you are very crafty, creative, and handy. What would you recommend?