>Yesterday I was chatting up my pal Sara on the phone, and the conversation drifted to pumpkin pie flavored ice cream. As Sara excellently and hilariously recaps, this led to her revealing that one should never make a pie crust without making an extra one to set aside for an “emergency.” I thought this was the funniest advice I ever heard. To begin with, who the fuck even makes pie crusts? If I haven’t bought a pre-baked pie to begin with, then the odds are high that the pie I am making involves a pre-made graham cracker crust and Jell-O mixed with Cool-Whip. (Once I made a very fancy sweet potato pie with a spiced graham nut crust for a recipe contest I entered during my recipe-contest-entering-phase in early 2004, but I’ll never make that messy mistake again.)

My mother’s sage advice tended toward the more practical. Once when I was 17, I asked her why she cared if my boyfriend came to our house when no adults were home, she narrowed her eyes, leaned close to me, and conspiratorially whispered, “Boys have penises.” Yes, thanks. By the time I was in high school, I had figured that out. The funny part is that she assumed that the penis would not be used in a consensual way because I could not possibly be interested in pre-marital sex, but that I might get raped if she allowed me to be alone with my boyfriend. I know that she was looking out for me, but I can’t help but be bemused by her old fashioned outlook on life.

Other wisdom my mom proffered was to be sure that my underwear had no holes in them, lest I be involved in some sort of dangerous accident and need to be rushed to the hospital, where people would see my embarrassing drawers. In this instance, I suspect that the last thing on my mind would being mortified that a paramedic or doctor would see my ratty undies. Plus, if I am rushed to the ER with horrid injuries, they are only going to cut the clothes off my bloody mangled body anyway. Why waste a good pair of underwear in that situation?

Once when I was a fat freaky teenager, my dad advised me to lose some weight, wear make-up, and dress normally, as it would probably help me land a boyfriend. Needless to say, this wisdom (which I mentioned earlier this summer in another post) did not go over well with me. I know that my dad was only trying to help – he was being very earnest -but shit. That was harsh.

What great advice did you receive from the guiding adults in your life?

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