>I attended NYU for undergraduate school, where legend has it that the statue of Garibaldi in Washington Square Park will bow to any virgin woman who graduates. (To date, no one has ever observed this happen.) At any given time, I lived with two single, attractive female roommates. I had three cute best friends. However, it seems that I hung out with NYU’s goody-two-shoes virgin posse.

One of my roommates, Amelia, was completely grossed out by the idea of foreplay – she thought it would be great if couples could share some chaste kisses (sans tongue, of course) and then get right to fucking to minimize the amount of exposed body fluids. My other roommate Karen decided that she would save herself for the obscure rock star Glenn Danzig (of the Misfits and subsequent singer of the banned-from-MTV song “Mother”); she felt that he would not be able to resist her “golden snatch” if she kept it untouched for him. She also had a fascinating collection of hard core porn, but only because Glenn was on the cover. She kept it locked up in a file cabinet lest her lustful roommates or crazy thieves attempt to masturbate on Glenn’s face or something equally heinous.

My best friends at NYU were also virgins who shared a room. Jessica was a fundamentalist Baptist who didn’t believe in premarital sex. (She’s in a cult now and no longer speaks with me or any of our other friends.) Janice was a pathological liar who swore that she was so pure that she could only wear white underwear and sleep on white sheets. (She was caught hiding sexy black lace lingerie in her desk drawer in the middle of the night.) Ilana resisted the terrible come-ons from horny fellow pre-med students, eventually hooked up with an amazingly hot guy with tattoos, but only after I graduated from NYU. Stella is still a virgin. She graduated over eight years ago. Enough said.

I love that I am the only person in the world who flees the confines of conformist suburbia to the Big City, and manages to find the strangest chaste people on the planet.

Comment