>In the film Freaky Friday, a teenage girl swaps bodies with her mom. Wackiness ensues. As far as I know, I did not swap bodies with anyone, but I sure did some very un-Suzanne things on Friday.
The strangeness of the day was first brought to my attention by Brother-in-Law (BiL) and Future Sister-in-Law (FSiL) at lunch. I joined them for sushi near FSiL’s office, and spent $25 for the prix fixe lunch. This is remarkable because I rarely eat such high quality lunches. Usually I bring my lunch to work, or eat from some cart on the street. I can barely bring myself to spend $25 for dinner, let alone lunch.
While munching on my various courses, BiL mentioned that they were heading off to register at a glass shop and kindly asked me if I would like to join them. “I can’t,” I replied. “I am meeting Sara for a manicure and pedicure at 3:30.” BiL and FSiL stared at me. “What? Did you just say that you are getting a manicure and pedicure?” They asked incredulously. When I confirmed this was the case, BiL narrowed his eyes and looked me up and down. “What have you done with Suzanne?” he asked suspiciously.
After lunch I had some time to get back home before my mani-pedi meeting, so I walked up Broadway. I came across a Duane Reade pharmacy and remembered that I needed some stuff (Cetaphil lotion, a birthday card, and Sudafed 12 Hour), so I swung inside. When browsing for my items, I successfully recalled every item that I planned to purchase and did so. This never happens. Usually I walk out and then realize that I forgot one of the goods that I set out for. Not on Freaky Friday, though. I even remembered to use my bonus points card! (And earlier in the day, I also competently went to the bank and the post office, thus accomplishing two other things I had on my to do list.) Weird….
I continued my journey up Broadway. A super cute coat in the window of a super hoity-toity boutique full of overpriced designer clothes caught my eye. Normally, I would snobbily turn my nose up at this store for the skinny and wealthy, but it was Freaky Friday, and thus I found myself inexplicably drawn in, helpless against the forces of the day.
Inside, I was immediately assaulted by a saleswoman with very fake dyed red hair. “Hello,” she rasped at me in her ancient smoker’s voice, “anything you touch, you need to buy. Ha ha ha ha!” I looked at her dumbly. “Just kidding! Let me help you though.” Before I knew it, I was putting my arms in a $580 brown wool coat with a funky askew collar and rocking leather belted back. I was relieved that it was too tight. “Do you want me to see if we have a medium?” the devil breathed in my ear. My head nodded. What the fuck was I doing?
Fortunately, they had no mediums in stock. I felt free to go, and yet whoever possessed by sushi-filled body reached for another coat to try. A black princess cut wool coat just like my old one, but with leather trim on the side pockets, no hood (!), and a 1980s Pat Benatar-style leather belt. Fuck, it fit and it was really cute. Did I mention that it cost even more than the other coat? The husky voice was oohing and aahing. Sara called at that exact moment, wondering where to meet me for our afternoon of beauty. I asked her to come by the shop and let me know what she thought of this insanely expensive coat that there was no way I could possibly buy unless I was under the control of another person. I called Husband, too, and suggested that he come by.
Ten minutes later, my entourage was joining the devil in urging me to buy the coat. I seem to have not been fully possessed by another person, a la the Citibank identity theft commercials, because I was filled with guilt. How the fuck could I spend so much (of Husband’s) money on a fucking winter coat? I’m a kept woman! I’m turning into my own worst nightmare! “Just buy the coat. Overcoats are expensive,” Husband, who works in finance, said. The transformation was complete. I paid for an insanely expensive designer coat. Holy shit!!!
Continuing along, Sara and I went for mani-pedis. FSiL suggested that I not get a pedicure, as my foot is still bruised and bumpy from when I dropped a computer (that would be the entire CPU, people, not a laptop or keyboard) on my foot. I chatted with Sara while she had her pedi and then we had manicures side-by-side. The only reason I know that I was not fully possessed at that point is because I chose blue nail polish with glitter in it. That is a very Suzanne choice. I had a very nice time. I would even go back another time, Mostly for the quality time I spent with Sara, but I would not be adverse to trying the maroon nail polish with glitter. Freaky!
On the way home from the nail place, I noticed a pet store. We went in and I bought more litter for Tycho, another goal for the day. While checking out, I even remembered to use the coupon I’ve been carrying around in my pocket for days.
Several hours later, I was telling Dr. P about my latest employment saga. To show their appreciation for all the work I did last year, I got a ridiculous huge bonus. Never mind that what I told them I wanted was a title that actually reflecting what I did and brought the proper level of respect with it. I got cold hard cash. (This does not placate me a bit, not that I plan to return it.) That’s when it hit me: Husband was not buying me a ridiculously expensive coat, my ridiculous bonus more than covered it. The two improbable events went together very nicely. I felt a bit better.
At any rate, the recap clearly illustrates all the strange occurrences of a body swap, as Suzanne would never, ever do these things:
1. Accomplish everything I set out to do that day.
2. Eat an expensive lunch.
3. Buy an outrageously expensive coat, and one without a hood at that.
4. Get a manicure, even if it is with blue sparkly nail polish.
Madness! I hope I will return to my body in full before I wake up tomorrow/later this morning. It is too expensive to not be me, but with my credit cards.