>The most dangerous item in my apartment is kept all the way on the top shelf of the ginormous Ikea entertainment center. (As you can see, we have much random crap, but the dangerous object is the small green and orange can.)

This is my Canned Beaver. In the fall of 2000, my family went to a wedding in Toronto. The hotel gift shop was selling various canned animals, but the Canned Beaver was the only one that caused my mom and I to nearly fall down laughing. I am not sure that this is intentionally funny, either. The Canned Moose was similarly labeled. And what is so funny? Take a look. The front of the can says “OPEN ONLY WITH ADULT SUPERVISION” on the top left corner. The top right corner says BEWARE in stencils against a red sash. The middle has a picture of a “beaver” who has just taken a bite out of an erect piece of wood. Below this it is written: “CAUTION! These beavers have been known to lie in wait under your covers and snuggle you to sleep.” So true, isn’t it?

The side of the can (not pictured), says “CONTENTS: One Fuzzy Beaver.” Really, is there any better kind? Everyone knows that a beaver is no good without the fuzz.The back of the can has BEAVER FACTS. It reads,

Canadian beaver is known around the world for its high quality warm fur. The Canadian beaver lives in dens made of mud and sticks with entrances under the water to prevent unwelcome intrusions. The dens are moist, but stay warm even during the prolonged cold northern Canadian winters… Predators have difficulty penetrating the warmth of the beaver’s cozy home.

Beavers are active throughout the year, however they are primarily nocturnal and most likely to be observed in the evening as they begin their work… Beavers have few tenacious enemies and generally live harmoniously with their environment. Their habitat provides welcome relief for other animals during time of draught…Some of North America’s financial empires and real estate holdings were founded on beaver profits.

…[beavers] are protected from over exploitation, however some beavers are still used for commercial purposes. The price depends on their size and quality of fur.
Remember, if you see wild beaver:
DO NOT GO NEAR THEM!
Treat then with respect and BE CAREFUL!

I swear I am not making this up. I wish I was because it is so damn hilarious and I would l ove to have the credit for double entendre brilliance. Obviously, this is best souvenir ever!

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