>My first shit bucket was thrown out by the lab, so I was forced to endure another three days of shit collecting.  My windowless bathroom reeked again of untreated sewage after a rain storm, but I bought some incense.  My bathroom then smelled like raw sewage sitting in the sun for days and incense.  At the end of the three day doody collection period, the gallon plastic jug was again ¾ full of shit.  I put it in a grocery bag, and took it back to my doctor’s office directly, as per my instructions.  The nurse made a face when I handed it over to her, and whisked it away to the back.  I was relieved it was over.

Except it was not over.  A few days later, the nurse called me and told me that the doctor’s office gave me the wrong type of shit bucket.  The lab would only run my test if I used a different container.  (Supposedly, and I am not making this up, the plastic bucket had exploded in the past as it was being spun around during the homogenizing process.)

The new bucket was literally a metal gallon paint can.  I had to pry open the lid with the back of a hammer to use it, and then lightly tap it closed.  Since the second shit bucket run, I had moved to a new apartment.  Husband refused to let me put the shit bucket in our new full size refrigerator, so I kept it in the bathroom the entire time.  Fortunately, this bathroom had a window, and we kept it open as much as possible in the December cold.  Thus the shit was subjected to temperature extremes.  When the window was open, I worried that the doody would freeze.  When the shower steamed up the bathroom, I worried that the shit might get too sweaty.  I had collected shit for nine days in three separate tests of willpower.  The sample had to be good because I could not go into double digit shit days.

Finally, it was over.  I hammered the full bucket shut tight, jumped on the subway (I debated labeling the can “Smelly Brown” and wearing coveralls), and dropped it off at the doctor’s office.  The can was whisked away.  It was sent to a lab.  The doody was homogenized and sampled.  The results: I produced more shit than a normal person would have, and had more than double the normal amount of fat in my shit.  I stopped digesting fat for some unknown reason.