>Off to college I went. I met people. I horrified my roommates who couldn’t believe that I had engaged in oral sex and yet not had vaginal intercourse. I met more people. I went home for winter break and was still a virgin. Again, not for lack of trying - either my flirting skills were in serious need of work or I was just barking up the wrong trees, although it was probably a combination of both. I was a fatty in a sea of hot NYU undergrads. Not too many guys are on the prowl for fat poon if they can get it elsewhere. I think one anti-choice student would have had sex with me, but I had a very strict policy against fucking anyone who would try and force me to have a baby in the event of a contraception failure. Plus he was a gross sycophant who also would’ve fucked any willing woman. (Refer to My Worst Date Ever if you want a hint as to who this is.) I still wasn’t that desperate.
Magic happened upon my return. I was minding my own business at a political club meeting one day when someone said something extremely witty. I looked up. There he was – a cute redhead. Why had I not noticed him before? It was so obvious. He was incredibly smart, super funny, and had that sweet dorkiness to him that I always fall for. I set my sights on dating him and making him the first person I slept with.
The funny thing about this plan was how well it worked. On one hand, you’d never think it would. He was a business student who dreamed of immense wealth. I was a socialist democrat who wore Doc Martens with a hammer and sickle insignia on each and couldn’t wait to redistribute wealth from people like him. Yet we were extremely well suited for each other. (TMI – Too Much Information - Warning for the Following Sentence) Within three weeks of dating, we were fucking like mad. It was fun. I didn’t worry about him mocking my fat ass to his friends in the locker room. (He never went into locker rooms.) I graduated and we moved in together. Three years after that, we got married.
And that’s why the plan worked too well: I married the only guy I’d slept with. What kind of crap ass liberal has sex with only one person in her entire life?!? Here’s the cheesy part: I wouldn’t have it any other way. As my friend recently said, I’m a one man cunt.
And thus ends the virgin saga.