>A few years ago, I went to buy a new pair of boots. I was looking for some kick ass boots that reach slightly below the knee and hopefully had some cool random buckles. Much my unhappiness, I discovered that my calves seemed to be too fucking fat to fit into the shaft of any boots. I mean, any boots. What the fuck? I was shafted! I have some serious body issues in terms of obsessing about being fat, but I have never, ever considered my fucking calves fat! (They are not fat, either. I wondered if my leg hair was causing the problem, but that is totally ridiculous.)

Who the fuck are boots made for, I wondered. I started studying women’s calves. I noticed that some women must never use their legs because they seem to have no muscle attached to their fibias at all. When these skeletons wear high boots, there are big gaping spaces between the leg and the shaft. It seems that boots are made for those deprived of nourishment and exercise. A few months ago, Entertainment Weekly had a small blurb on shoe repair shops that celebs take their boots to have the shaft narrowed. Again, this is a sign that there is something extremely wrong with beauty standards in the US. I can’t fit my fucking normal size leg into a boot, and these women need the same boots narrowed to fit tightly? Unbefuckinglievable.

I finally saw my dream boots at the John Fluevog store. (See left - beautiful, no?) I was nearly crying when I couldn’t zip up the shaft over my calf. The salesman came over to me and said kindly that most women have the same problem, but that the leather will stretch over time and then fit OK. I asked him why, if most women could not zip the boots, did they not cut the shaft a bit wider in the first place? He had no idea. I don’t either. Fuckers, but I bought them anyway.