>In slightly less than one month, I will be leaving on a cruise to the Caribbean. This came to be because my in-laws are celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary, and decided that they could take the “kids” (their two sons and their significant others) on a cruise or they could throw themselves a big party. They opted for the cruise. We’ll be leaving NYC on Feb. 16 for a 10 day journey.

At first, I was pretty psyched, I gotta admit. Then I started to think about all the things that scare me about cruises, and now I am not so thrilled about this truly generous gift. The main problem is that cruise ships never register under any country that has laws that actually protect people. I have a psychotic fear that I will kidnapped and sold into sexual slavery. It certainly has happened [to others] before, and the people in charge of cruises are usually in on it. My friend told me about some 17 girl who was snatched off a ship while she was with her parents and brother! Basically, a private investigator hired by Dr. Phil (usually someone I detest) has been tracking sightings of this poor girl in brothels all over the Caribbean.

OK, I acknowledge that there are some big differences between me and the typical kidnapping victim. I’m not even close to 17 year old any more, I do not have long blond hair and blue eyes, I’m not 5’7” or taller, or and I am not by any stretch of the imagination lithe. I’m a 30 year old hag who is under 5’2” with dark short hair and brown eyes with massive dark circles under them, and I look 5 months pregnant at any given time. Not exactly kidnapping material, I grant that. I considered painting wrinkles on my face and walking around in a tiny bikini with my gut and hairy cooch hanging out, but then I worried that there are fetish brothels that would want old, fat, and hairy Jewish women. So that doesn’t seem like a solution, either. Sigh.