> Have you seen the commercials for the new form of birth control, NuvaRing? Women supposedly wearing NuvaRing, a plastic ring you insert next to your cervix and take out change once a month, flitter about with glowing blue hoops around their waist. My cervix requested a hula hoop for Hannukah, kind of like one of the Chipmunks wanted one in the original “Chipmunk Song.” (Christmas, Christmas time is here… Want a train that loops the loop/I just want a hula hoop.) Unlike the Chpimunks (or so I hope), my cervix got dick. (Man, that cracks me up. I think that's the best double entendre I've thrown out thus far.)

Anyway, it seems to me that the women are stigmatized by the blue hoop. In the past, we had the scarlet letter; today, you can tell who the whores are by their hula hoops. Can’t someone come up with a non-insulting way to advertise birth control? I’ll buy the first product that does not have: 1. flowers; 2. butterflies; 3. red circles (oooh – periods! How symbolic!); 4. blue hula hoops. How about an ad that tells it like it is:

Woman 1: Having sex while worrying about getting knocked up sucks.
Woman 2: Totally! How can anyone enjoy herself if she’s praying that the shithead she’s fucking doesn’t pull out in time – again! Men suck!
Woman 1: Seriously! Women suck too, though. Can you believe that there are female pharmacists who won’t dispense the pill because it is against their own religious beliefs?!?
Woman 2: Stupid bitches. Anyway, my favorite pill is “I 'm Not Your Baby’s Momma.” It’s new. You should ask your doctor about it. And if some fuckface behind the pharmacy counter won’t dispense it, you should sue their asses off.
Woman 1: Thanks for the recommendation! I’m definitely going to try it. Great sex, here I come.
Women together: Ha ha ha!

Now that is much more like it.

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