>Damn, have ever had one of those serious motherfucker days?  I had one of those days today.  It started off OK, but then quickly went downhill in a ball of flames.  I swear, it is so true that no good deed goes unpunished.  Fortunately, I have not had one of those days that suck the root in a while.  I hope I don’t have another one any time soon.  

Well, tomorrow is Friday and I am off to London, so I really shouldn’t complain…

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>My friend M. (the very same one who introduced me to Flat D Innovations , makers of anti-fart underwear inserts) gave me the complete Season 1 of the Muppet Show on DVD. How awesome is that? The Muppets are just too hilarious. Plus, they were way ahead of the times. Thanks to Shrek, it’s super trendy to have children’s movies that are full of adult inside jokes. The Muppets did that in the ‘70s, dude!

Some time soon I plan to have a Muppet marathon.

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>Near then end of 2005, it occurred to me that while I loved my job as a do-gooder, I also really loved working on my little writing projects. Unfortunately, my ability to actually complete any of said writing projects was extremely hindered by the amount of time I was required to spend do-gooding, and this caused me immense frustration, thus leading to displeasure with my do-gooding work. Not a good situation at all. I decided that I needed a change of some sort so that I could continue to do good, and at the same time, actually accomplish something with one of my writing projects. I needed to drop a day from my real job, and that day needed to be Monday.

I explained my angst to the Boss, noted that Mondays are awful in general, and pointed out that I would still be a productive do-gooder if I could work on Tuesdays-Fridays. The Honchos at the organization agreed. Thus I currently spend my Mondays on exciting research and writing projects that lead me to all sorts of interesting places around NYC.

This past Monday, for example, I was delighted to go to the only medical library in the US that is completely open to the public. I happily studied a current exhibit it has on Medieval surgical procedures for head wounds. The exhibit was full of rare manuscripts, antique surgical tools, and grotesque pictures. Right on! I loved it. I also went to the largest synagogue in the US and viewed its Judaica collection. Interesting stuff, although not quite as good as head wound surgery in 1554.

Yes, if Monday must exist, this is the way to spend it. I hope to have a fun update on where I’ve gone and what I’ve seen every week.

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>If there is one word I hate, it is the word panties. According to Slang and Euphemism: A Dictionary of Oaths, Curses, Insults, Ethnic Slurs, Sexual Slang and Metaphor, Drug Talk, College Lingo, and Related Matters by Richard A Spears, “panties” is listed as thus:

panties (also panteys) women’s or children’s underpants [colloquial, 1800s-pres.]

What annoys me so much about the word is that once again, women and children share the same category, which in my mind infantilizes women. You never see men and children sharing the same name for something, unless it is something that everyone uses, like sweater or pants.

Also the word is just creepy. It has always bothered me and makes me think of some lecherous older relative. I much prefer underwear, undies, or even, as my friend Steph likes to say, drawers. “Drawers” is defined in Slang and Euphemism as “underpants for males or females. In their earliest form, long hose worn next to the skin. [since the mid 1500s].” Yes, drawers is a very equal term. I like it.

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>
Someone fabulous* forwarded these pictures to me, and I almost spit water all over my monitor when I saw them. My spit take was a combination of guffawing and the urge to puke from all the airbrushing on these pictures. Not only does it make the model look like she’s as smooth as a newborn, but she should clearly eat a few of the candies instead of wearing them.

Later that evening while I was at the gym, I saw February’s Esquire, which had a handy gift giving guide to lingerie just in time for Valentine’s Day. Some lingerie “expert” (and what the fuck is that? I wear underwear too – am a lingerie expert?) said that most women wear thongs, and guys should feel good about giving one to their ladies. The expert said to find one with a narrower band in the ass for comfort. How thoughtful. The cover picture had this insanity from Victoria’s Secret, which has a ginormous ass bow (slightly obscured by the textbox over it):I was shocked – shocked! – that the candy undies were not included. I guess they are not nearly as classy as the giant bow thong featured as a good gift. (It is kind of cute, but how does one sit while wearing this? I just don’t understand. What happened to worrying about your lady’s comfort?) Another perfect Valentine’s Day gift overlooked by Esquire:

The candy pasties totally are hilarious. Crap, I’m tempted to run over to Condomania and drop $9.95 on them myself. I have no idea what I would do with candy pasties, but they are just too good to pass up, you know?

*(Many thanks – I hope to send you something from this fine collection for your Wak Candy Museum, which sounds great.)

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>On Jan. 20, I wrote about a naked people bench that I saw in the former East Berlin (For a Good Time, Sit Here )*. I said that I would try and post a picture that I had. I scanned it in tonight:

Of course the picture is not as clear in reality as it is in my head, but if you squint at it a bit, I believe you can just make out a very high, very round wooden bench boob on the woman part on the right side of the picture, and a very long wood (ha ha) bench penis on in the bottom left corner on the guy part of the bench. (Plus the tip of my awesome ginormous Triple Fat Goose down coat is just visible! Man, that was a great coat.)

Note that the picture was from 1997, long before your average schnook could afford a digital camera. (If they even had them back then.) That is my excuse for the poor quality of the picture. At any rate, that artist had a great sense of humor, and I hope I could convey enough to get a sense of how cool Berlin was when I was there in December 1997.

*Thanks to my bro-in-law for teaching me that bit of HTML magic!!!

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>Huzzah! I am going to London on Friday! While we definitely won’t see the Queen or even the Queen musical (We Will Rock You – Husband insisted on getting tickets for it last time I was there with him, which was Labor Day Weekend in 2004, although I warned him that it would be awful. It was probably the worst musical I have ever seen. In fact, it was so painfully bad that it was not even good in the so-bad-it-is-good-way. Husband wanted to leave 15 minutes into the show, but I insisted we had to stay for the entire production since he ignored my warnings and spent good money on it.), I know that we will have a fantastic time.

I love London. It is probably my favorite place to visit. Hopefully, the weather will hold out and we can walk around a bit. I bought City Walks: London, which is a deck of 50 cards, each with a little map on the front of a neighborhood route and description on the back of what you should look for as you walk. I would also love to visit Sir John Soane’s Museum, which has all sorts of weird stuff, including a 1300 BC sarcophagus in the basement. Also, we’ll go to the London Eye and have tea with various friends who live on the other side of the Pond.

I am so lucky that Husband is traveling there for business and that I can afford to buy a ticket to come along, even if he is flying business class and I will be in coach by myself. (To be fair, he is Executive Platinum status and put me on the upgrade list. And even if he didn’t, it is his business trip and he should not have to go a lower class just because I am coming. He might not let me come on future jaunts if he had to do that….) Flying business class also nets more frequent flyer miles, thus we will be just that much closer to a free trip to Australia in business class, so I’m not really complaining. I just find it funny that we’ll board and then say good-bye as I head toward the back of the plane with the other peons, where I completely belong.

Yay! I’m going to London! I shall bring my laptop and if time permits, I’ll file dispatches to CUSS.

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>Back in the late ‘80s, when I was in junior high, I became sick of being a member of the only middle class family in the US that did not have a microwave.  I decided to take matters into my own hands and remedy the situation.  My sister agreed that a microwave would be a good thing to have, and we scraped up our feeble savings to surprise our mom with a microwave for Mother’s Day.  (Don’t you love gifts that the whole family can enjoy?  Once, at my mom’s request, we bought her several new trash cans as a Mother’s Day gift, but I digress.)  

Of course, as we lived in the suburbs and did not drive due to our youthful states, we did not have access to many stores.  We walked to whatever shops we could, but quickly acknowledged that we needed help and brought our dad in on the plan.  Once my dad was contributing towards the gift, our budget also changed considerably.  We were able to purchase a decent, middle of the line microwave perfect for our quirky middle of the line family.  That microwave is still proudly in use today, at least 16 years after it was purchased.

The old age of the microwave freaks my mom out, as she worries that it could be leaking dangerous, well, microwaves and radiation and whatnot when she nukes anything.  My logical solution is to get a new microwave and not risk it.  Prices have certainly dropped significantly on the technology that was new-fangled at least 20 years ago.  My mother, however, sees no reason not to use it until it is determined to be unsafe.  How pray tell, might one find that out, short of discovering that my parents are glowing green?  It seems that my mom read in some town newsletter that it is possible to have an inspector of some sort visit your home out a few times a year and test the radiation from your microwave for free.  I’m sure that the town is offering this service because they assumed that no one in their right mind would use it, as normal people who can afford it would rather just buy a new microwave for $60.  Obviously, they were wrong, and while I was talking to my mom recently about the inspector’s most recent visit to my parents’ house, she told me how much she enjoyed using such a valuable free service.  (Fortunately, the microwave is OK.)

Perhaps this Mother’s Day, I should just buy my mom a new microwave.

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>Everyone likes soaps, shampoos, and lotions that smell yummy. I know that, otherwise The Body Shop, Bath & Body Works, Lush, Sabon, L’Occitane and a million other boutique soap shops would not exist. (OK, there was one super tiny fancy soap shop, Soap in the City, around the corner from my apartment that went out of business, so maybe not everyone loves special overpriced soap, or maybe they only like buying it from boutique chains. I swear that new chain soap stores appear every other day in Manhattan.) However, when even I like these things, I think it is fair to say that almost everyone likes them since I do not like most “girly” products. I never actually buy boutique soap, though, because I am too cheap. Why spend that kind of money on soap when I can get regular stuff (like Dial) for less then a third of the cost? (That is why I think fancy smelly soaps make good gifts – they are semi-affordable luxury items that people can make good use of.)

The other reason that I don’t buy yummy smelling soap is precisely because it smells yummy. I just have the weirdest temptation to start eating whatever I am using, be it body gel, bar soap, or shampoo. (I never use lotion unless I absolutely must because my skin is so dry that it is cracking off my body, so I am safe when it comes to yummy smelling lotions. I hate lotion.) Intellectually, I know that if I do eat the soap or shampoo, it will obviously not taste good. Yet the urge will not go away. Does anyone else have this problem?

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>I didn’t watch the Golden Globe Awards last Monday. Usually I like awards shows and get into the whole can-you-believe-what-overpaid-undernourished-Ingenue-X-is-wearing? spirit of the event. However, I had seen a small preview of Joan and Melissa Rivers a few days before and I decided that someone who looks as alien as Ms. Rivers (and yet used to be so cool – what the fuck happened?) really should not be encouraged to add to the anti-woman atmosphere.

Yesterday I learned that I missed Isaac Mizrahi’s CUSS-like interrogations at the Golden Globes of overpaid-undernourished-Ingenue-Xes when he asked multiple starlets whether they were wearing any underwear and what type it was. As I watched the recap on VHI’s Best Week Ever while sweating my balls off on the stair climber, I was delighted to hear that tons of 90 lbs. stars said that they wear wearing “support” undies. No thongs, no g-strings. Aha! So they worry about hiding their guts, too! How exciting. Now, if only they would let themselves hang free a bit, the rest of us can follow suit…

The other big question popped by Mr. Mizrahi was to Eva Langoria (Desperate Housewives). He asked her what style her pubic hair was, which mortified her. Ha ha ha! I laughed cruelly and nearly fell of the stair climber machine as punishment for my meanness. People reap what they sow – if women would stop making designs in their crotch hair, people wouldn’t feel entitled to ask about it.

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