>Warning: I won my eBay auction and will soon be the proud owner of a bright orange thong with a sexy rhinestone letter B. I also realized that the letter B would be perfect as "B" is one of my friend's nicknames for me (short for Bitch, natch). Even better, I discovered that I have $3.50 in my paypal account from random online surveys I answered that paid me through paypal. So the thing only cost me $3.44 directly! I made out like a bandit, as I think this ridiculous purchase actually sells for over $20 in my gym shop.

My thong purchase reminded me, however, that people who suffer from any or all of the following conditions should not wear thongs or g-strings:

1. Extremely jiggly ass
2. Cellulite
3. Assne (ass acne)
4. Unshaved snatch

I am not saying this to be cruel. I am saying it as a public service. If you have a super jiggly ass, you need the support of underwear with a butt. A thong or g-string just increases the jiggle factor by letting it all hang free. Cellulite just looks like shit, so why would anyone want to frame you dimply cottage cheese heiny in a thong as if it we as smooth as a baby’s bottom? (I recognize that often goes hand in hand with #1, but some very toned folks are afflicted with cellulite.) Assne is a combination of problems that underwear solves for jiggly butt and cellulite. You want some good breathable undies (no nylon crap) to protect your ass (practical), as a naked ass rubbing against jeans or other materials is only going to make the situation worse. Believe me, you also want to hide the fact that you have assne. Finally, someone without routine pubic maintenance is going to look ridiculous in a thong, as they tend to be high cut and quite unforgiving.

I am afflicted with more than one of these conditions, which is why once the underwear challenge is over, I anticipate a quick return to nice cotton undies. In the meantime, this is a warning to the world that the thong experiment will soon commence.