The Giant Stuffed Penis is a natural fit for the position of CUSS thong and g-string model. First, his furry balls are oddly shaped a bit like a butt, allowing for an excellent perspective on how a thong or g-string might wedge itself into my actual ass and make me horrendously uncomfortable. Second, Giant Stuffed Penis’s balls are a much better approximation of my hips, so it is a much more accurate depiction of my flab bulging out of the underwear (although, for the sake of full disclosure, my husband confirmed that they are actually slightly wider, making the indentation caused by the string a bit worse than it is on moi). Finally, Giant Stuffed Penis and I agreed that he needed a merkin (a pubic hair wig, to those who are not in the know – included Microsoft Word, which has indicated that merkin is not a word and suggested that I replace it with marking, jerkin, merino, marlin, or Merlin) to truly illustrate how god awful those of us who resist the wax, razor, depilatory, or other means of vagina hair removal look in such ridiculous “underwear.”
Anyway, it gives me great pleasure to present Giant Stuffed Penis wearing my latest purchase for the sake of research. As previously mentioned, I got this yesterday at the Calvin Klein underwear outlet store in Jersey Gardens. The sign said they were 7 for $21, so I was nervous that I would be unable to buy one pair for $3.00, but in fact they only cost me $2.99!
A close look reveals that the "underwear" wishes the reader to "have a fantastic day" and has some childish drawings of a rainbow, hearts, a lightning bolt, and what I think is an eyeless teddy bear and a faceless other critter. Looking at this while I wear it is actually going to give someone a scary nightmare, not a fantastic day, but I appreciate the sentiment. Maybe Calvin though that this message and the cave painting-quality drawings would to hypnotize the viewer into believing that this looks appealing on an actual woman. He was wrong.
I washed the g-string earlier tonight and will wear them myself tomorrow (although for the life of me I can’t think of what pants I might wear them with, as my ass will be completely fucking naked, sagging down and jiggling about if I actually have to move faster than a snail’s pace, and rubbing whatever pants I wear.) Does this picture look like I will be comfortable wearing this g-string tomorrow? No it does not. In fact, it makes me want to cry a little. Or laugh a lot. Maybe I will wind up doing both. I suspect the string will not smell very well at the end of the day.
I figure it is best to wear them tomorrow for fear of a transit strike on Tuesday. There is now way I want to be walking untold miles around the city without quality ass support, or so I suspect. (I am trying very hard to keep an open mind, but when I tried them on tonight quickly, I could already tell that we - that would be Calvin the g-string and I - are going to have problems.)