The Last [Journal] Entry

January 18th, 2012 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in those were the days

This post concludes my blogging via a time machine back to my 18 year old self’s thoughts recorded in a journal for my AP Political Science class in 1994. I am still flabbergasted at how similar I am half a lifetime later, blown away by some of my overconfidence (the White House? Seriously?), and amused by my naivety. Let’s see what 2012 has to bring.

April 22, 1994

Wow, looking back on my thoughts for the past 3 months has been interesting. I realized that you wanted us to be personal, but not too personal, so I think I’ll use this last entry to wrap up, and maybe reassure you of my sanity!

I have written mainly about my rage. I suppose that is how I feel most of the time. I am really, however, a strange combination of seething anger, hope, confidence, and a little bit of insecurity. I think it makes for an interesting mix and adds depth to my character. I’d like to believe that I am charismatic, but I think I am only flattering myself when that occurs to me. I hope that I am; it would certainly be great!

One thing I’ve discovered about myself over the last few years is that politics is in my blood. I can’t describe the intense excitement I feel when I am able to debate and spread my ideas, when I am able to meet with members of our government, or when I stand outside the White House and think about how nice it will be when I live there. (And not as the First Lady, either!!) Ambitious? You better believe I am! I don’t feel the least intimidated by “high ranking” government figures, ranging from just walking into the governor’s office to leave him a note, to telling Sen. Warner that he has no right to tell me whether I can obtain a safe, legal abortion or not. (This was at Presidential Classroom, and several people became angry with me for saying this because I was not “polite” enough.)

I suppose it is this outspokenness that has earned me the position of spokeswoman for the Teen Advisory Committee. I’ve done everything from greeting Penny Severns to giving a speech at NARAL’s 25th Anniversary celebration. Yes, I’m mad as hell and not going to take it any more, but I want to channel this rage into something positive.

I suppose it is only natural to flaunt all my successes and gloss over the failures, but I’ve had more than my fair share of those, too. I think because I have suffered so much and struggled with myself for survival, I am more human. I’m not any outstanding individual, just a normal person who’s had chances to do special things, while dealing with the complications that life has to offer. Maybe, though, this same “normality” is what makes me different.

While I am very self-confident about my intellectual abilities and future, I am wracked with self-doubt about the same things that other girls are. I usually hate my physical appearance (about 99% of the time), and worry about boys. I have no doubt that this is due to the culture that surrounds me. Sometimes, it is very hard to overcome these insecurities and focus on the good. This is a problem that has plagued me for a long time now. It drove me to a suicide attempt and self-mutilation. It also drove me to several periods of rash actions due to depression. But, I have the strength to fight it, and I won’t let it control my life ever again.

Anyway, I hope that this last entry is not too personal – much of it is pretty common knowledge – I haven’t made my checkered past very secretive – and explains a little bit about who I am why I’ve reacted to the events I wrote about in the way I did. Then again, I’ve been in your class for quite some time now, so maybe you know much of this already. If that is the case, I hope this journal has at least been interesting to read. I guess I’ll take this time (as long as I’m on the subject of confessions) to tell you how much I’ve enjoyed being in your class this year. I learned a lot, and had a good time doing it. Thanks!

The instructor responded that the journal was interesting, and that it had “many lengthy and provocative entries.” His final judgement was, “terrific job – A.” Hopefully that means that I am still doing a good job writing thought-provoking things, since I haven’t changed that much.

Lobby, Lobby, Lobby!

January 17th, 2012 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in Damn, random, those were the days

April 20, 1994

Yesterday, I went down to Springfield [IL] to lobby the legislative about Parental Notification laws. I must say it was a very interesting experience! First, I tried to call Schoenberg out of hearings to talk to him, but he wasn’t on the floor. So, I crossed the hall to the Senate side and met with Sen. Stern. She is a very nice person, and I presented her with a pro-choice calendar from the NARAL Teen Advisory Council to thank her for support. When I later located Schoenberg, I gave him a calendar as well, and he in turn invited me to a conference he is holding about women. Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend.

I also got to meet Penny Severns, who is running for Lt. Governor with Dawn Clark Netsch. She was a very nice person as well. We gave her calendar, too. (Hmmm… you know, these very same calendar are available for purchase… only $6 and I’m in it! Hint, hint, if you’d like one…)

Anyway, after talking with Schoenberg, Stern, and Severns, I went around to other senators’ offices to give out calendars. One interesting thing I found when doing this was a discrepancy between the Democrats’ side and the Republicans’ side. The Dems set up was, in the words of my friend, “communal.” The secretaries sat in clusters and chatted. They were a diverse bunch, representing a range of ethnicities and ages. The Republicans’ side, however, was “like a country club.” They had thick, plush carpeting and luxurious furnishings. What I found scary, though, were the secretaries. EVERY SINGLE ONE was young, white, blond, and had a Southern accent. I could not figure out where all these Southern women came from! Are they imported from Tennessee or something?!? It was really creepy!

I finished off my day of lobbying by making an unscheduled stop in Gov. Edgar’s office. I left a letter to him explaining why he should veto parental notification bills. I was very proud of myself, although I doubt it really will do any good. But, who knows? It’s worth a try!

Oh, one more point of interest. As I sat here writing this entry, I was interrupted by a call from Stern’s office. She told her staff to invite me to a brunch with her and her supporters on Sunday, May 1. I was all excited to go, but then I realized that I’d probably fall asleep in my plate becayse prom is the night before. Oh well! There’ll be lenty more chances in the future.

A Foreign Policy Entry

January 16th, 2012 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in evil, other rants

April 16, 1994

[Still in DC...] I just heard on the news about our little “friendly fire” incident in Iraq. I suppose that I should write about it, but quite frankly, I don’t care. What I do care about, however, is the current situation in Rwanda. That is bad news.

I’m curious as to why there haven’t been any big headlines or magazine covers on the war down there. Are we really so Euro-centric that nobody cares? A shell falls in a Sarajevo market, killing 62, and we call it a tragedy (it is), and it makes big news. 100,000 people die in an African country, it is not a major story.

I realize that we can’t intervene in everything. But I also think that equal and fair coverage should be given to such events. The American people NEED to know!

Ms. Reisman Goes to Washington

January 15th, 2012 by Suzanne | 4 Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

Goodness, the ego!

April 15, 1994

Hello! Greetings from Washington, DC! Supposedly, I’m here to look at George Washington University, but I’m just as happy hanging out in the capitol as on campus. At any rate, I saw many interesting things today.

My friend and I went to Porter’s office. He was at home (in DC), but we talked to his staff. I applied for an internship position in his home office. It was very interesting.

When we approached the Capitol building, there was a small group protesting government trained assassins. It was thought provoking. I never really gave to CIA operations (actually, that’s not true) and whether they still train assassins or not. I began to wonder if those people weren’t a bit too affected by “In the Line of Fire,” but then I realized that they had a pretty good point. Why does our “democratic” government train killers, anyway?

My friend and I also visited the Supreme Court. We were hoping to see the Court in session, but no such luck. That’s how it was with Congress, too. We also stood and gaped at the White House through the bars of the fence. My friend had wanted to go on the tour, but the line was too long and I told her that when I lived there, I’d give her a personal tour of the whole place.

That was pretty much all the government we saw, besides various buildings and embassies. One interesting thing I saw on the GW campus tour, however, was the Uruguayan Embassy. It is located right next door, literally inches away from GW’s biggest Freshman dorm. I thought that was vaguely amusing, and wondered if this had anything to do with our diplomatic relations with Uruguay!

The “Scandal” Continues

January 14th, 2012 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in Asshole idiots, other rants, those were the days

April 7, 1994

Whitewater, Whitewater, Whitewater! I am so goddamn sick and tired of Whitewater! I realize that I wrote about this same goddamn topic, oh, about 3 months ago, but apparently the press just can’t get enough.

It makes me so angry because the Republicans will use any tactic they can to divert attention from the real issues. Why is the country being held hostage by such bullshit? Let’s just drop the whole thing and move on. We have more important things to worry about.

Bad News vs. Good News

January 13th, 2012 by Suzanne | 3 Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

Oh, how little things change!

March 30, 1994

Hmmm… upon looking back over this journal, I’ve come to the conclusion that nothing good ever happens in this crappy world. Almost everything I’ve written about either scared me, made me ashamed, or made me sad. I’m just wondering if any good things ever happen any more…*

*No, little Suzanne, they only get worse. Sigh.

“One Prozac to Go, Please”

January 12th, 2012 by Suzanne | 1 Comment | Filed in random, What is wrong with people?

This project of retyping entries I made in a journal I kept for my AP Political Science class when I was 18 is definitely interesting in terms of seeing how things have not changed so much in almost two decades, including me. Oy vey!

March 29, 1994

OK, I’ve been bad – I admit it! I just haven’t been keeping up too much on current events outside the high school social circuit. But, if you want to hear any of the latest gossip, I could easily fill you in on many juicy tales!*

At any rate, a couple of weeks ago (I think – maybe it was earlier?), Newsweek had another cover story about Prozac. What scared me about it was the frequency in which it is prescribed, especially by general practitioners. I don’t want to imply that family doctors don’t know what they’re doing, but why are they writing prescriptions that psychiatrists should? What’s the point of having a psychiatrist when you can go to you GP and get a drug to “solve” your problems?

The problem with Prozacmania is manifold. First of all, if one is clinically depressed, he should see someone in addition to taking a drug. That’s why family doctors shouldn’t be giving them out like candy, and those types of doctors can’t help in that way. Second, Prozac will NOT work unless you are depressed because of chemical deficiencies. What happens in depressed people is the tips of the nerves in their brains often become less stunted and less sensitive; they are therefore less able to receive neurological transmissions. Psychiatrists aren’t sure if this imbalance causes depression, or depression causes this imbalance. (The result is the same, so I suppose it doesn’t really matter.) What Prozac does is fix the tips of the nerves so that they can receive impulses and transmissions again. Hence, a Prozac patient is now at a neutral level; he is not happy nor depressed as a result of medication.

People, however, somehow have the idea that Prozac will make them happy all the time. It won’t. All it does is even out the chemicals in the brain. If a person is depressed, not as a result of a chemical imbalance, but just depressed because everyone gets depressed sometimes, Prozac doesn’t help. Besides, Prozac takes about 4 weeks before it can “work.” It also stays in your system for several weeks after you stop taking it.

I can’t understand why so many people love Prozac so much. I used to take Prozac and it did NOTHING for me. As far as I know, I did not have any chemical imbalance but I was depressed because my life sucked. Now, how was a pill supposed to change that? If I wanted a drug to make me happy, I would have used cocaine or marijuana (why aren’t those prescribed?) or something, not Prozac. I’ll tell you what Prozac did do – it helped erase a large part of my short-term memory. While I was on it, I could barely have a coherent conversation with anyone; my mind was completely unfocused, and I tended to ramble from one subject to the next. Even now, almost 2 years later, I can’t remember things that the short term memory is supposed to keep track of.

I just don’t understand why so many people WANT to get on Prozac. I was forced into taking it and eventually just refused to keep taking it when it didn’t help. People are only asking for trouble when they take such strong drugs for no good reason. I urge greater restraint – and more restrictions – in using such a powerful drug.

*My teacher’s comment: “Oh brother!”

Savage Inequalities

January 11th, 2012 by Suzanne | 2 Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

This book, as well as Backlash, formulated who I am to this day. Kozol’s earlier book, Death at an Early Age, was very influential as well.

March 22, 1994

Saturday night, I saw my friend Wendy, who was home from college for spring break. We were talking about Dawn Clark Netsch’s plan to fund education through redistributed wealth. We both thought that it was a great idea whose time should have come long ago. At any rate, Wendy told me about a book she read called Savage Inequalities by Jonathon Kozol. It is about the obvious inequalities between poor students in inner city schools and their suburban counterparts.

New Trier is one of those schools. We are unflinchingly compared to several Chicago schools, one in North Lawndale, DuSable High School, etc. Wendy told me that after reading the book, she was ashamed to be associated with this area. I couldn’t agree more. When I realize all of the things that we have that we take for granted, I feel sick. It’s not just that we have all of this stuff, it’s that we refuse to share it. Resident after resident, official after official, student after student, declared these poor students to be unworthy and undeserving of the same funding we are entitled to. The Chicago students are made to feel like shit by people like them. I don’t want to be associated with people who hold these intolerant attitudes. Unfortunately, I am.

A friend of mine recently voiced these same views of hatred. She even attached racial tones to it. She said that “those” people need to work for their living, and it’s their own fault they live off welfare and in poverty. The problems with her statement are manifold: 1. it is completely ignorant, made without considering any of the facts, but only stereotypes 2. it is commonly believed by a large majority of New Trier.

I am deeply distressed and depressed by the conditions these less fortunate students are forced to “live” under. I cannot possibly imagine living like that. No one should. I think this book will have the same kind of profound effect on me that Backlash did. It will motivate me to fight for change. My moral outrage and sense of decency implores me to.

I hope everyone will eventually read this book. It is not pleasant, but we need to overcome our stereotypical notions of poverty and related issues. We must confront this serious problem; time is running out.

Marriage Is Dangerous to your Health

January 10th, 2012 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in evil, other rants, those were the days

Oh, how young I was! My teacher’s comment: “Oh, don’t be so cynical – there are some success stories, too.” If only Mr. Chase could see me now, married for almost 12 years.

March 14, 1994

Once again the news talked about a woman who was killed by her husband. He whacked her over the head, sat down, and watched her bleed to death. Last week, a woman disappeared; her body was recently discovered in her estranged ex-husband’s house.

Unfortunately, these stories are all too familiar. I read somewhere that 40% of all women who are murdered were killed by their (ex)husbands. And how many women are killed by their boyfriends? I’m not sure, but it’s probably a lot. Stalkers are not uncommon and the law doesn’t do anything about them. Over and over again I find myself hearing or reading stories about women killed by their lovers.

It’s no wonder that I don’t want to get married. I could get killed. On the other hand, relationships are just as frightening. I used to be a peer educator on dating violence and I went around talking to high school kids about it. It’s scary to see my peers involved in such dangerous relationships already. Then again, it shouldn’t really come as any surprise to me: I was in a semi-abusive relationship my sophomore year and I’ll tell you, the boy is currently getting worse. I’m pretty scared for his current girlfriend. Someday, I expect to see his face in the news. I have no doubt that he’s going to hurt someone very badly in the not-so-distant future. Maybe he’ll get help before that happens, but I highly doubt he will.

Anyway, I’ve also been reading up on dating violence lately. The statistics are scary. I tell you, a girl is better off staying single. Safer, at any rate.

Election Time!

January 9th, 2012 by Suzanne | No Comments | Filed in random, those were the days

From the journal I kept for my AP Poli Sci class when I was a senior in high school. Damn, I was fucking optimistic back then.

March 12, 1994

The primary is in just two days, and I couldn’t be more excited! It’ll be my first time voting, and my mom is going to pick me up from school and then we are going to head out to the voting polls. How exciting!

I am very excited because Dawn Clark Netsch* is in the lead. I feel like I am partially responsible, in a very small way, for this. I did phone banking for Netsch and as I talked to people, I helped familiarize them with Netsch and her ideas. They want me to help out on election day, but I can’t. Too bad – I think it would be fun!

In early February, I tried to get a job in Grace Mary Stern’s** office. On Friday, I got a nice letter from her. She said that she didn’t have the money for a paid campaign worker, but I am more than welcome to join as a volunteer. Unfortunately, I wanted a job as a person on her senate staff, not campaign; she just misunderstood. I’m wondering if I should pursue this. On the other hand, I could try to work with Schoenberg*** or Porter.**** Oh well! I better get crackin’!

*This was the Democratic primary for the race for Illinois governor.
**I have no idea who this is, but I guess a local elected official.
***Schoenberg, until recently, was my parents’ state assembly rep. He retired.
****Porter was our Congressman. He was a moderate Republican. When he retired, a less moderate Republican douche bag named Mark Kirk won his seat by a slim margin. He is still in office and still a douche bag.

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